F33lings

November 10th, 2015

8:41 A.M.

I always get this way around this time of year; depressed, anxious. It's not easy to deal with but I manage. The reason why is not a subject I like to talk about, but I'll explain anyways. December 6th, 2012. The day my dad died. I was never the same. I'll make this long story short. My first cut; December 8th. The night of my dads funeral. I remember it so vividly. The way the blood bubbled up from that thin red line on my wrist. It's weird because after I did it, all the feelings of hurt went away. I kept harming myself until May 14th, 2013. My mom saw the cuts and called the police who took me to a psych ward called The Centers. Those were the worst 3 days of my life. I was diagnosed with PTSD, chronic depression, servere anxiety, and bipolar disorder. I was prescribed with a list of medications. I went home from the centers and I was clean for 3 1/2 months, but I wasn't okay. My mom has heart disease, so she's in and out of the hospital sometimes and it really takes a toll on me. I found out, after one of her hospital visits, that she had a heart attack. That's when I broke. I cut. It wasn't like the first time though, this time it was deeper and I did it over and over again. By that time I had met James. I wont say much about him, but I will say this; never let a man lay a hand on you and never ever let him make you feel like nothing. Skip ahead to November 11th, 2013. My 14th birthday. That's when all my "disorders" spun out of control. I was angry, sad, and anxious. I didn't want anything to do with anyone. I hated everything. I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. I started to make myself throw up. Now I had to hide my weight loss AND cuts. But I failed. My mom realized how skinny I was.. I went from 127 down to 92 pounds in 3 months and I was taken to the doctor. He gave me a medication that increased my appitite. I started eating right again and got back up to a healthy weight. Rewind to October 27th, 2014. Back in the Centers again. My cuts were getting so deep. My mom called the cops again. The nurses remembered me. It was different this time. I actually had fun at the centers. I actually talked to the doctors. It was easier. When I got out I was on new medications and I felt better. I started school at PACE . I was making friends. I was falling in love. Everything was okay for a while. Then, me and my boyfriend fought one night.. He left my house and I did the unthinkable. I took a bunch of pills.. Then it was back to the centers again.. This time I read a book. This book changed my whole perspective on depression and self harm. It helped me. I realized that I needed to talk to people. I need to tell my feelings. That's what I did and now, I'm really noticing how much that helps.
Now, back to this moment.

9:27 A.M.

My mom just picked me up from school. I don't feel right. I'm anxious.. I'm depressed.. I have a headache and I feel like I'm gonna throw up. I've felt this way since yesterday..
Tomorrow is my birthday.. You think I'd be over it by now, but I still expect and call and card from my dad saying "Happy birthday, Princess. I hope you like your gift and use that money wisely, don't go spending it on bullshit. Love you, Princess. You'll always be daddy's little girl." Haha.. I can still hear his voice.
My boyfriend does such a good job in making me feel better. He's a great guy and he fails to realize that. He has a big heart. He always says things that make me feel better and I'm so thankful for that. My mom is here for me when I have my panic attacks, she always knows what to do. Wet wash cloth and a long ass hug. I love my mom.. I can't lose her..
I was on a medication called Abilify. It was for my bipolar disorder. When I started taking it I slowly realized that I was gaining more and more weight. I went from 115 up to 180. I am so unhappy with my body. I think I look horrible... People on the Biggest Loser weigh less than me at the end. It makes me feel obese..
I'm so tired. So, so, so tired.. Its now 9:40 A.M. and I'm going to take a nap.