Taming Life

A million little pieces

For the rest of the day I dodged texts from Calum and Lily. I didn't want them. I felt bad for it, but I just needed to know that Alex was okay. How could I talk to other people whilst not being sure what Alex was going through? I'd feel too guilty. I spent the day worrying. I couldn't go on any social media because I found myself on Alex's pages. I knew she wouldn't post, but I couldn't help it. I'd messaged her loads of times. I was just so worried. Anything could have happened. What kind of pain was she in right now? I felt selfish every time my jaw or shoulder hurt even in the slightest. I felt like I had no right to be hurting when Alex could have been I any immense amount of pain. I wished that it was reversed. She didn't deserve this. I'd proved that I most certainly did.

I was driving myself crazy. I just couldn't escape thinking about everything. Seeing the image of Alex being hit over and over again. Watching her cry. It was just constant. So was my pain. If you've never been in love, then you won't understand this. But knowing that there's even a chance that they aren't okay eats you alive. You can't think of anything else, and your chest aches with the pain. And you just wish more than anything that you knew they were okay. You wish more than anything that they never have to feel like this about you. Because they wouldn't deserve it. The most I did all day was go for a shower, and that was to get the feeling of him hitting me away. Then I just sat in the shower and felt guilty because Alex probably couldn't escape the feeling. I didn't go to dinner. I told my mum that I wasn't feeling well. How on earth could I possibly eat? Truthfully I did feel quite sick. But I was sick with worry. I didn't have any sickness.

I tossed and turned all night long. At about 11 I heard scratching and little mewing noises at my bedroom door. I got up and opened the door, and Mitsy came in, jumping onto my bed and paddling on it. I smiled wearily at her, shutting the door. I climbed back into bed and she moved so that she was sat next to me, cuddled up to me and keeping me warm. She paddled on me for a few minutes and then settled and fell asleep.

Every ten minutes I checked my phone, just in case I'd missed a notification. But nothing. No messages. The more time that passed, the crazier my thoughts got. I saw Alex's dad beating her until she could barely move. I saw him locking her in her room. I saw him going too far. Killing her. I never said that I thought rationally. But considering the circumstances, it seemed perfectly rational to me. My heart beat faster and faster at all of the possibilities. I hugged Alex's jumper closer to me. If I breathed in, it smelt like her. Which made me feel better. For the brief moment where I was surrounded by her scent, I felt like Alex would be okay.

I got out of bed at about 10am, stroking Mitsy who was now asleep at the end of my bed. I'd put my phone on silent because it had been driving me crazy with pointless twitter notifications and messages from people who weren't Alex. I looked at it now for something to do. I had so many messages from Calum, I felt a little guilty.

Hazel! You've got to look at this link it's hilarious.

Can't remember if you're tutoring or not but if you are: good luck. I know you'll need it with the she-devil;)

How dare you be busy, this is just rude:P

Okay seriously Hazel, you gotta go AWOL on me?

Are you okay?

Want to talk about it?

Or maybe you just have a social life. IDK, I'm not really familiar with those.

You're actually starting to worry me.

But you were on facebook like two hours ago?