The Way She Smiles

A Letter

  Dear Beautiful,
You're probably wondering why I put this letter in your purse. Well, just keep reading. I have a story to tell that you need to know.
She was walking towards me. I loved the sight of her beautiful face, but I averted my eyes. There's nothing worse than getting caught staring at someone. Especially someone as beautiful as her.
Her musical laugh filled the air. It made me smile even though I knew it wasn't directed towards me. She never really noticed me. She didn't even know my name. That's okay though. I was fine as long as I got to see her. I'd always wanted her to laugh with me and let me tell her how beautiful she is. I wanted to show her how crazy she was for looking in the mirror and seeing anything less than what I did. I've seen her complain about pimples and bad hair days. I think all she needs to know is no matter what she looks like, her smile makes her the most gorgeous girl in the room.
  I remember the first time I noticed her. It wasn't her looks that I noticed. It was the way she looked at the world. It was the way she walked with such elegance. It was how she smiled at everyone she saw.
I noticed her physical features soon after. Trust me when I say she is beautiful. There 's this devious glint in her eye. It makes you want to know what kind of things she's done, the kind of trouble she's gotten into. It makes you want to get into trouble with her. The only thing I didn't like about her eyes were that they were never on me.
I wished something tied us together. I wished we were family friends or neighbors.
   As much as I wanted to know her all my life, I couldn't  seem to get the courage to go up and talk to her. It's intimidating going up to a girl that beautiful and starting a conversation. My biggest fear was going through awkward small talk as she desperately tried to find an excuse to leave. That would forever brand me as that weird kid that once talked to her. Her not knowing me at all is way better than her avoiding me at all costs.
   Another thing I loved about her was the way she treated people. She treated the biggest jerks with respect and patience. She didn't  crinkle her nose at people the school deemed undeserving of kindness. She handled herself with such grace...I didn't know what it was that made her that perfect. She was like Snow White or something. She blessed unworthy dwarfs with her beauty and sung because she knew she was a freaking angel.
   I'm lying to you. Somewhere in my heart I knew she wasn't this perfect. I know that everyone will dismiss the feelings I had for her as puppy love. Even if this was the true nature of my heart, I didn't mind denying it. Bare with me right now, let me rant about this unknown princess. Actually, she wasn't a princess. She was a daredevil that didn't care what anyone thought. She was no damsel in distress because she could save herself. With each stride she took, you could see confidence bursting out of her. I didn't want to be her Prince Charming because she didn't need one. I wanted to be her partner in crime. All I needed was some guts.
One day, I made my game plan. I was going to talk to that angel. I wanted to make sure I said something that interested her.
    The annoying comments teachers never failed to make floated over my head for the rest of that day. There's something so uplifting about knowing you're about to do something big.
I was walking home when I told Kevin what I was going to do. Kevin was a friend of mine I regularly hung out with.
"Woah, dude, you're gonna talk to her? When did this happen? I TOLD you to tell me when you like a girl. I'm the love doctor. I'm coming over to help you woo this girl." His eyes darkened in the way I didn't like.
    We had lived next door to each other for ten years. As soon as my family started unloading our things, this pudgy little five-year-old waltzed over, excited to see someone his age. That five-year-old was Kevin. I owe all the times I got grounded to him and those darkening eyes.
  The only way I could think of avoiding trouble was running, so I sprinted home as fast as I could with Kevin hot on my heels. My plan was to get home before him and lock the door.
Let me tell you, I did not run unless I was being chased by a pack of wolves. My stamina lasted me the few feet I had to run to get to my house. While I was Captain Out-of-Shape, Kevin was on the school's swim team. I opened the door and tried to slam it shut, but Kevin easily overpowered me in my pathetic state.
     "Why are you running away? You know you'll definitely catch this chick with my help. I have skill for reading the ladies. That's how I got a girlfriend in seventh grade and you got a dog that hates you." He said this in a way that made me want to punch him. He always hung over the fact that he had a girlfriend and I hadn't. Plus, he insulted my dog, Dog Vader, who was actually really sweet after I gave him dog food or took him on a walk.
   " Don't talk about Dog Vader like that! He's not that bad. Also don't rub your old girlfriend Erica in my face when you dated her for a month!" Kevin always ended up pissing me off in some kind of way.
    "Okay, man, calm down. I get it, you don't care about my amazing credentials. You want me quit the talk and start showing you how good I am." Kevin smirked and waltzed into my room like he owned the place. He's been in there hundreds of times, but this time I felt the need to walk behind him and keep a close eye on everything he was doing.
   "Okay, this afternoon I'm going to teach you how to talk like a MAN. Right now you sound like a ten-year-old boy. In fact, if you weren't such a giant, I would think you were ten this whole time." Kevin had a point. Back then I had a voice so high only dogs could hear it. I was the definition of a late bloomer even though I towered over my friends.
    I stayed silent because I gave up all hope of Kevin getting out of my house and leaving me alone. I figured, instead of stressing myself, I should just relax and listen to the garbage about to spew out of his mouth. After all, the valuable is sometimes buried in dirt.
    "Okay. You have to lower your voice by a lot. You also need to slow your voice down. A woman likes a low and slow voice because it sounds sensual to her. If you talk like that, girls will be constantly banging on your door." Call me crazy, but what he said actually made sense. The girls that I'd seen always seemed to melt in their seats when they heard a guy with a deep voice. Puberty had not come knocking on my door yet, so it took a while to get my new manly voice down.
After an hour, Kevin seemed happy with the way I was talking. "Okay, now that we have your voice down, we need to work on your outer appearance. I would lend you some dope clothes because I'm pretty sure your mom still dresses you, but they wouldn't fit you with your long gorilla arms and legs." Kevin spent some alone time thinking about what else he could change about me. I used this time to cool off because his nonchalant ways of insulting me were pissing me off.
    I wondered if she would really like me better because of all these changes I was doing to myself. There was always that nagging voice in the back of my head that said,"You're perfect just they way you are." That was from years of lying adults telling me I was one of a kind and special. Growing up, I learned not everyone is that special. Some people just blended in with the crowd. That was me. I was as ordinary as ordinary gets. I ignored the little voice and decided to go on with my training even if it was from Kevin. If I was so special, she would have known my name or at least have noticed me.
    Kevin sprinted back into my room with a goofy grin on his face. "I've got it dude. What you're missing is a fresh cut. That uncombed mass of hair on your head that you think is styled isn't cutting it. Hold on. I have something at home that'll do just the trick." He left quickly with the intent of coming back. Obviously I wasn't about to let him touch my hair, so I locked all the doors and windows. My house was airtight. There was no way he was coming in.
Just as I was being pulled into a blissful nap, I heard a loud pounding on my front door. I was not about to get up and tell him to leave. I just closed my eyes and pretended his knocking was a lullaby. Sometime during my nap, he had given up knocking. Instead, he tried to shimmy through my basement window which I had completely forgotten to lock. I have no idea how he even got into my backyard. His loud shouting woke me up.
    "YO! COME DOWN HERE! I GOT STUCK 'CAUSE OF YOU! YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST OPENED THE DOOR!" That was just like Kevin. He always got himself, and me, into sticky situations with his stupid actions.
   I rushed downstairs and met one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Kevin's stupid self was halfway through the window, still trying to push himself in. I started laughing then choking.
   I could tell Kevin was getting angry. "That's right! Choke on your evilness! Dude, you suck! I could have made it in but my butt's too big! Well, cause you know, baby got back." With the last sentence, his anger was replaced by his usual smugness.
   I just rolled my eyes and started to help him. He was right. His butt was huge. He had gotten those mountains of his halfway through the window when he got stuck. We counted to three and he pushed while I pulled. When we finally got him through, he came in with such force he knocked me over. He took advantage of this and pinned me down.
"Time for a haircut!" He yelled it like a psychopath.
I squirmed under his tight grip on me and promised myself I was never helping him again.
"KEV, YOU'RE CRAZY!" I had no idea what was wrong with him. I had always thought he had a screw loose and this confirmed it.
He pulled out his razor and turned it on. "This will look dope as long as you stay still. Don't move an inch or you're screwed."
   The only reason I stayed still was because so much fear was running through my veins that I couldn't move. At the time, I let my wild, curly hair sprout out in random directions without a care about what it looked like. This obviously really bothered Kevin for some unknown reason. I wanted to ask him if the curls on my head slapped his mother because he was shaving them off with no mercy.
Suddenly, there was a loud crash upstairs that startled the both of us. He jumped and his hand raced across my head leaving me with a huge bald spot. His eyes bulged, and he took off, knowing if I got a hold of him, he would wake up next week.
"GET BACK HERE YOU COWARD!" I chased after him, but as you know, do to my very limited stamina, he got away quickly. Don't worry though, I got him after school the next day.
In his rush, he had left his razor buzzing on the floor. I figured, why not just finish his job and shave it all off? After I finished, I felt the cool air on my exposed scalp and it just made me get angry all over again.
    When my parents came home from work, they were surprised to see the shine of my scalp and the vase Dog Vader knocked over. That explained the crash we heard. I told them the whole story through gritted teeth. Well, I left out the part that I was trying to impress a gorgeous girl. They would have became way too interested in my life if they found out I liked a girl. Well, at the time, I dared to say I loved the girl even though I hadn't began to scratch the surface of what love was.
     I woke up the next morning in a good mood but it was destroyed as soon as I looked in the mirror. I tried not to let my new bald cut get in the way of my plans to talk to her. I was a boy who thought he was a man. I was not going to lose this sudden burst of bravery.
    The cold air of the school hit me and all the pushed back fear started coming. I saw her in the hallway and thought, "Wow, I could really take a wiz right now." I brushed this off as a stupid way to stall talking to her. I had to do it then. I couldn't wait.
    I remember tapping her on the back and her spinning around. Her eyes bulged at at me, and her cute little face squished together in confusion.
"Hey?" Her voice was sweet although shaky. This part of the story is the blurriest because everything happened so quickly. I don't know why but the urge to pee became UNBEARABLE. I couldn't do it. I was not that brave. Because of that moment, I can tell you how it feels like to have the confidence sucked out of you. You just stand there, eyes wide like a deer caught in headlights. You feel so cold, and the world seems so dark.
    She was staring at me, probably wanting me to go away. I understood. I wanted to go away. That's why I did. I didn't walk away coolly or even silently.
   I stared at her and blurted out, "I NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!" Suddenly, I was running away with echoes of laughter chasing after me. I had always wanted her to laugh with me but not at me. Well, I guess wishes aren't always granted. I avoided her for the rest of high school.
     This isn't where the story ended though. I ended up seeing her again in the future. It was during my sophomore year in college at this hipster coffee shop. She looked even more beautiful with new lines etched into her face. They showed she had been more places and seen more things.
    I wanted her to notice me. I wanted to walk up to her and say,"Hi, I think I remember you from high school. Do you go to the college close by here?" I repeated the words over and over in my head as I gathered up the confidence to go talk to her. I ended up saying it, but she didn't listen. I tapped her on the shoulder, she turned around and saw her friend, and then she brushed right past me in the middle of my sentence. I was not going to let the story end like that.
    I figured she did go to my college, and I was going to find her. I was going to find a way to say all I wanted to say too. She never listened to me, so why would she listen to me when I saw her again? I decided, I'll write my words down, and she'll read it out of curiosity.
   I eventually found her. I chased her down, and I put a letter in her purse without her noticing.
   You wonder who "she" is. You probably want to know her name. Well, you already know her name because "her" is you.  Maybe you figured it out along the way or maybe I've shocked you. I don't know. I'm not there to find out.
   I admired you. You were my sun. You were the only thing I thought about when I should have been doing homework or studying. I couldn't get you off of my mind.
    Don't worry, I'm not the same teenage boy that ran after you. This is not my last way to woo you. I've moved on. I've grown up. I actually have an amazing girlfriend now. She's the one that told me to write beautiful instead of your name. Trust me, I thought that was corny too. She's the one that encouraged me to tap you in that coffee shop. She's the one looking over my shoulder right now, taking up my breathing space. Ow! She just smacked me on my head.
     I can honestly say I love her. I love that she's so playful even if it results in me getting a few head smacks. I love that she loves Star Wars as much as I do. I love the fact that I can never get mad at her because she's the cutest person I've ever met. I love that she can eat burgers and fries with me at 12 AM because we're that hungry. I love that she's giggling while she's reading this because that's how she reacts every time I tell her she's beautiful. Most of all, I love the way she smiles.
   Oh, and by the way, I have a name. You just never knew it.
        I am Kai.
               Sincerely,
                       The boy that loved you.