Anathema

Love or Lust or Something Else?

After that day Cameron and I spent a lot of time together. We acted like we were dating, but when we were around other people we acted as if we didn't know eachother.

I was fine with that, honestly I didn't want anyone to know about whatever it was that we had. I really liked Cameron. Who new a crush from the 8th grade could come back a whole year later?
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We started skipping classes together and going to "our spot". We would sit there and talk and kiss and just make eachother happy.

Things started getting serious between us during the next two weeks, I mean very serious, very quickly.

I went home with him one day, it was a Friday. I told my mom I was going to a classmates house to work on a project. But we definitely were not working on a project.

Cameron's parents were out of town and his brother was at a friend's house. I trusted Cameron so I decided it would be okay to go home with him. He had a nice house. Way nicer than mine.

His house was two stories. On the first story there was a living room, a den, a dinning room, and the kitchen was huge. On the second story there were four bedrooms and two bathrooms, I'm assuming the master bedroom had its own attached bathroom.

Cameron led me to his bedroom, it was messy but not disgusting messy. More like "I-didn't-have-time-to-clean-this-morning-messy". He had a tv and an Xbox. There were posters of bands like The Beetles, The Rolling Stones, and The Ramones put up all over his walls which was amazing. He had a full sized bed with a dark blue bed spread. There was a desk in the corner and a closet door on the other side of the room.

I took a seat on his bed and asked if we could play Call of Duty. I saw the game on his desk when we first walked in. Instead, he suggested something else without using words. He kissed me deeply, running his hands down my sides. I shivered but I didn't want him to stop.

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I didn't have much experience with anything sexual until now. Tyler and I kissed and we only made out once. Other than that we never did anything, and now it makes a lot of sense why we didn't.

(Now let's not get childish here.)

Being completely honest I had watched porn a few times and I tried masturbating but it was weird to me. I wasn't too keen on the idea of sex. Sex itself didn't sound too bad but I wasn't really emotionally stable and I was scared of what would happen to me if I put that much trust in someone.
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Cameron kissed me passionately and bit my lower lip softly. I surprised myself with my next move, I ran my hands down the front of his shirt down to the hem, then pulled it up over his head. He smirked and buried his face in my neck and he kissed my neck until I moaned softly.

Things were getting hot but I wasn't about to stop any of it. Cameron pulled off my shirt and began trying to undo my bra. I thought it was funny and kinda cute that he couldn't undo my bra so I took it off myself. He stared at my bare torso for a moment before he pushed me down on the bed.

He climbed on top of me and kissed from my lips down to my belly button. I made small sounds and squirmed a bit beneath him. Cameron came back up to face me, he was blushing. I remember what he said, "I've never done anything like this before." That made me feel a lot better at the time, I don't feel like an inexperienced little girl.

With the confidence boost I said something unexpected, "How about we do even more." I began to unbutton his pants, when I looked down I could see the bulge. It made me uncomfortable and happy at the same time which was weird but I ignored the uncomfortable feeling.

Once Cameron's pants were off he pulled mine off with ease. That hit a nerve and i thought about how he said he had never done anything like this. I decided to ignore that thought.

He ran his hand between my thighs and then he touched me. I had never felt the way I felt at that moment. I bit my lower lip and decided to return the favor, I touched him. He moaned which encouraged me to keep going. Then he did something else, he slid his fingers inside of me.

I began to panic and I told him to stop. But he didn't, not right away. I had to scream at him to stop. I was panicking badly, hyperventilating and crying. I couldn't breathe and I was getting dizzy. I put on my shirt and left his room. I found the bathroom and locked myself inside, I began scratching at my arms until I was bleeding.

Finally I calmed down after almost half an hour of panicking. I decided to take a shower, I didn't care if I didn't live there. I felt disgusting and dirty, I turned on the hot water only, my arms hurt under the water but I ignored it. When I got out I put on my underwear and shirt and went back to Cameron's room and got dressed.

He looked a me strangely and asked my my arms were bleeding. I shrugged them asked him to take me home. I wanted to sleep but I didn't feel very safe with Cameron anymore. The drive back to my house was long and quiet. Cameron didn't ask any questions and I stared into space.

Once we arrived at my house I got out of his truck and told him I'd see him the next day, he simply nodded. I walked in the door and my mom asked what took so long and I made up a little story to keep her from asking questions.

I went to my room after that and sobbed quietly into my pillow until I drifted to sleep.

Little did I know, things were about to get even worse for me.