The Days Of Kelsea's

(25) Demi - Insight

(25) Demi - Insight

Reading that last line while I'm sitting here in the Sixth Form common room has reminded me how much I thought I knew Kelsea, and then how much I actually did. Everyone thought that nobody knew her better than me. So if I hardly knew her, no one else knew her at all. 

I'm wondering how long this whole thing with Kale Atticus actually went on. Kelsea's doubt at the end has given me hope - I don't want this whole diary to be just filled with things about him. Besides, if they spent a lot of time together, then maybe he knows things that I don't. 

I hate not knowing what other people do. 

Wes Strand is suddenly standing in front of me. He's grinning and his hair is absolutely perfect, just enough to make my heart flip. Some things don't change. I didn't think he was going to pay me any attention anymore, but now he's sitting right beside me and his hand is on my thigh. 

"Hey, Demi. I haven't spoken to you in a while." His voice is right against my ear, and as I'm shoving Kelsea's diary into my bag so that he sees nothing, his hand is creeping higher up my thigh. 

"Stop it," I tell him casually, and I stand up. There are a few of his friends sitting on the table nearest to us, all trying to look subtle, but their eyes are all trained on what's going on between us. Ryan is there, and so is Adrian Pine. I almost laugh, as I think about how outraged Kelsea would look if she came back and found out that Adrian Pine, the school's gangster, was hanging out with those guys. 

"Flora's having a party tonight, to mark the beginning of spring break." Wes is on his feet now too, his tan arms crossed over his broad chest. "You know how much I'll miss you if you don't come." He's trying to be cheeky like he always used to be, and that used to be enough for me. 

I guess it still is. 

I notice Flora and Elle and some other girls sitting on the other side of the room staring at us with encouraging grins. Some things never change, and even though I'm sad and I have no real friends, I'm no different at parties than I used to be. 

"I'll be there," I say easily to Wes, and nod as if I hardly know him at all. But I catch his wink. 

"Eight," he tells me, then we both leave the spot where our agreement has been made - I go towards the doors leading to the courtyard, and Wes saunters back to his friends. 

The whole school had better get ready. 

- 

"It's Friday!" My dad yells, as I walk into the house. Obviously, he's in a great mood.  

"Good Friday," my mother corrects him. "Not exactly a time to celebrate-" 

"Oh, since when were you religious?" I hear him counter playfully, as I turn my back on them to get a bottle of water from the fridge. My mother's slicing knife has a calming rhythm as she cuts the cucumber for tonight's lovely salad.  

I've not seen my parents this jolly for ages.  

"School alright, Demi?" Dad asks, getting an apple from the fruit bowl beside me. 

"Fine." 

At dinner, I'm silent. I don't eat too much because I don't want to be sick too much. I'm thinking about Kelsea and Kale and I'm thinking about me and Wes and I am glad that I did not tell Kelsea about Wes because she never told me about Kale.  

After the argument at Pizza Express, I went with Sienna and Maycee and Ryan and Wes to Wes's house. We hung out. I felt like I wasn't nerdy and I wasn't held back by Kelsea and I could do whatever I wanted to, and although I was behaving like me and I was dressed like me, I drank wine with the four of them and I was the last to go home. When Wes kissed me, I didn't pull away; I kissed him harder, and from then on, I would visit him a lot. After school, I would see him, and I was happy. Being with Wes didn't feel wrong even though it was, and I know it was wrong because if it wasn't I would have told someone. I had someone to look nice for and dress up for and and then undress for and whisper things to and lie in a bed with and kiss whenever I wanted.  

I didn't love Wes, and he didn't love me. But in January when I saw him with another girl, a girl who I didn't know with red hair and a black coat, like fire on charcoal, walking along and holding hands and then kissing, it wasn't the greatest feeling, and I couldn't do anything or say anything because we had never been together in the first place. That was the worst part. It would have probably been worse if I had have known that Kelsea had Kale. Maybe she didn't anymore at that time; when I read on, I'll find out if she did.  

- 

Upstairs at half seven, I get on my little white straight dress, which reaches above my knee. I let my hair down, add mascara and lipgloss, and then I'm back downstairs again and my parents are staring at me as if I'm just not their daughter.  

"Going to a party," I announce simply. "You can't do anything." 

My mother looks like she's going to explode; my dad looks like he's dreaming. 

"Whose party?" My mother demands, her neck flushing red.  

I gulp. "A girl in my class. She's just inviting everyone round to celebrate the Easter holidays. I'll be back around midnight, so bye." 

- 

The party is hot and stuffy. Kelsea could be here if she wanted to. She always enjoyed stupid things like this, I think, but not too much. I don't know really. I didn't know her, did I? 

"You look great." Ryan appears out of nowhere, and I raise my eyebrows up at him.  

I feel too innocent here, in white like this. All the other girls are in red and black and dark blue and purple. The boys are in jeans, and all have various different shirts on.  

The music is very loud now, but at least it's Florence. I still haven't replied to Ryan, but there's no need because he pushes a red cup into my hand and we both take a drink. I don't care what it is. 

I dance on my own and I don't care. I'm not intoxicated. Boys are looking at me in an amused way, as I weave in and out of couples and girls who are dancing together. But these boys like it.  

And one comes and spills beer on me by accident because he's in a rush to get to me and people laugh and gasp, but I'm crying now because I am drunk after all and I'm slowly walking away over the fast ground, but this boy is following me, with his light brown hair and blue eyes and smooth voice, and blue shirt.  

I collapse at the bottom of the stairs, and Wes leans down to me, and wipes my black tears away. I can't see properly, but I allow his scent to engulf me and I wrap my arms around his neck as he picks me up and carries me up the stairs. 

"Demi?" 

"Wes," I mumble, and I bury my face in his neck. We're somewhere else, now. In the darkened room it is nice because there are no lights and I can concentrate better. We both sit on the edge of the bed and it's a nice, gentle gesture as Wes grabs my clammy hand in his strong, warm one. I kiss him first. I wish this was his house and we could stay here until the morning, but this is either Flora's room or her brother who is away in college's room or her parents' room. I forget about the girl with the black coat and the red hair and I allow Wes to undress me first, before I begin to work on his clothes, and he's gentle and holds me closely and doesn't stop. If you stop, it takes more out of you when you start again. 

"I'm sorry," Wes whispers to me at the end. "About everything. About your friend - Kelsea." 

I stay silent for a while, as Wes's hand gently traces circles into my bare stomach. I listen to his heart beat through the warm skin of his chest and we lie still with eachother in the black dark, the violent music echoing and loud, both of us locked in a tangle of limbs. 

Finally I whisper to him drunkenly with my eyes closed and my heart slowing, "Kelsea can go to hell."