Big book of feelings

My Body or My Sole

I was at Walmart last night and I was getting some things for FFA official dress and concert black appeal for band. We where returning some things and exchanging other things. I had a guy's black dress shirt, red suspenders and a black and red striped bow tie(Accent color is red). We when up to the costumer service counter and put the concert black out fit and some black flats for my FFA competition. The lady at the counter looked puzzled for a second and looked up at us.

"You got a brother? Why didn't he come with you to pick stuff out him self?" He asked ringing up the outfit.

"No," I said "We need concert black and this is going to be my outfit" 

"The why don't you where a pretty dress. Your a pretty GIRL." She said ringing up the flats and handing then to me with a smile.

"Thank You!" My mom said smiling. "I tell her to get out of this phase and stop all this nonsense and get some nice dress clothes"

I just shoved my clothes(That I bought) into the bag and walking out. This is not a phase, I have never felt like a girl. I don't like girl clothes I never liked dolls, never wear make up. I hate when my family say that I need to 'act more lady-like' or that 'I'm a proper young lady and need to show it'. Then a male family member will do the same thing and they just say 'boys will be boys'. I don't like being a girl, I never felt like a girl. I want to be a boy, but I can't. My family would shun me, call me an abomination, say I'm unnatural. I hate that my sole is one and my body is the other. I don't know any more, I'm pulled in to different directions all the time. I know what I wan't from my life but I can't achieve it.

Thanks for listening to my rant, I don't really have someone to talk to so this has to surface. :)