Anathema

The First Time I Tried To Kill Myself

•This chapter is extremely hard for me to talk about honestly. I've attempted suicide a few times and I've been hospitalized once.•

These things are never fun to talk about. No matter how hard you try to romanticize the idea, it's not something most people like to think about.

A lot of people call suicide a cowards game but there is nothing cowardly about killing or trying to kill yourself.
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December 28, 2013. That was the day I finally built up the courage. Things had been terrible for much too long. Four months and nothing had changed for me. Everything that could possibly go wrong, went wrong.

On December 27 I received a text message from Cameron:

"Happy late x-mas. Even whores deserve to celebrate."

Tears filled my eyes. I didn't want to think about it, I didn't want to think about anything. For once I didn't want to feel anything but I was feeling everything. Everything all at once.

Then an idea appeared in my clouded mind: Why don't I kill myself?

I thought about it all that night. There was a lot to think about, how would I do it? Where would I do it? Would I leave a note? Who would I want to find me? It was all so overwhelming but the idea of being dead just sounded so nice.

After a lot of thinking I decided, I would overdose on my grandma's pain pills. I would do it in my house, in my room because that's where I always feel safest. I would leave a note but it would be short. I would do it the next day, the 28th. I wanted my mom to find me.

There was only one person I would miss, my Tio. I call my uncle, Tio. He was the person I loved the most. He still is. He has never made me feel bad about myself and he's always had that kind of "fuck the world" attitude that I admire.

My suicide note:

To my Tio; I'm sorry I did this. You're not one of the reasons. I love you with all of my heart and we'll see eachother again. Just know, this isn't your fault.
Goodbye.

To everyone else; I'm sure you don't care that you made me this way, a self mutilating, self loathing, beast that would've done anything to feel accepted again. I just wanted some friends. I just wanted a mom who didn't hate me. I just wanted to be happy. And I'm sure I will be now.
Goodbye.

                     Nevermore,
                                 •Bliss•

I wrote the note the night before while I was at my grandma's house. While she was in another room I grabbed the bottle of pain pills. I knew she needed them so I didn't take all of them, I took 30 out of a bottle of 100.

I don't remember why I chose 30. I mean I probably could've overdosed on like 7 of them but for some reason 30 was a special number.

I stayed up the night before. I thought of all the things and people and just everything that I would miss. I kept thinking about it but I couldn't shake the feeling of honestly wanting to kill myself.
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And finally the day had arrived. I decided I would wait until 4:10 to take all of the pills. I took them one at a time, saying reasons why out loud. I needed to hear it so I wouldn't get scared.

"Because of Cameron"
"Because of Mom."
"Because I'm not a slut."
"Because I can't stand it here."

And so on. I got dizzy around pill 7. After pill nine I couldn't feel my body. And at pill 13 I finally passed out. I remember it being pill 13 but the world might never know.

I don't remember much else about it. The only thing I remember was waking up in the hospital.

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I opened my eyes with hazy vision, everything was slightly blurry but I could still tell that I was in a hospital. I tried to turn over on my side but there was an excruciating pain.

I looked down at my body, I was in a white hospital gown covered in little blue flowers. I wanted to know where the pain was coming from so I lifted up the gown to reveal a tube coming out of my stomach. I stared at it in awe.

Just then a nurse walked in, suddenly I was very emotional. I wanted to die and they didn't let me. I took a deep breath in, I needed to breathe. I asked the nurse how long is been at the hospital to which she responded, "Two days, they brought you in the other afternoon. You wouldn't wake up yesterday...I'm glad to see you awake."

I thought for a moment, " Has anyone come to visit me?" The nurse looked down, "Two people, your uncle and your mom. You uncle hardly ever leaves here, he should be back any minute actually, he went to get lunch. Your mom has been here twice."

I simply nodded, I wanted to see my Tio but I thought he'd be ashamed of me after this. I already knew my mom would be ashamed so I didn't worry about her.

I sat in silence for about five minutes before there was a knock on the door then it opened. There stood my uncle, tears in his eyes and a sandwich in his hands. When he saw me he dropped the sandwich and took long strides up to me.

I began to cry hard, he hugged me and we stayed that way for a while. Finally he pulled away and looked at me, "Why?" His voice was so broken, it tore me up inside. I shook my head, "You would've tried too, if you were me." He told me to look at him so I look up from my lap.

He looked so old, like he aged twenty years in just two days. "No matter what happens, you always have me. I'm not leaving you and I read your note. I want you to know that I'm not ashamed of you, I could never be ashamed of you. Fuck all these people. Who cares if they hate you?"

I looked away from him, "I care." He grabbed my face gently and made me look at him, "You shouldn't. These people are worthless, they are nothing compared to you."

In that moment I was happy that I didn't die but then my mother walked in. "I cannot believe you, Bliss!" I sigh, here we go.

•Okay I'm gonna end the chapter now because it's getting kinda hard to talk about.•