What Should I Do Now?

So Would You...

I wish I could live in a world where people stay together and no relationships crumble. I wish I could live in a world where no one was afraid to show who they really are. But I will never know what that's like. Unless I do take my last breath or eat my last meal. But all I can do now is dream.

 I live in a world where people can break, but so do you. I live in a world where people hide their feelings, but so do you. But I don't live, I barely survive. I'm hanging on to life by a thread. I don't know when my last meal will be. I don't know when I'm going to take my last breath. But you don't know either. I guess there isn't anything big that stands out to tell us apart. Except the fact that I am bed ridden, but you could be, too. I find it fascinating how in a matter of seconds I could become a memory, but so could you. I am obligated to take at least seven different medications a day. But, you could have to do that, too. And if you do, I'm so sorry. 

I lost hope a while ago, when I was diagnosed with Arrhythmia. I was nine at the time, I had no understanding of what it was. When I started to understand I had just turned eleven, we had to go into the hospital for a check up. Let's just say that the check up didn't go as planned. My heart rate was all over the place and it wouldn't stop. I started to freak out, I thought I was going to die right then and there. But no, it's been four years and I am still alive. When I turned thirteen, I started to believe that one of these days I was just going to drop dead, but so could you. So I don't make a big deal about it anymore.  I have had at least one surgery each year. It's awful, but I've gotten used to it, so would you. 

My family visits me everyday until visiting hours are over. Then it's back to dreaming. I pretend to be happy, they pretend to not worry.  They don't acknowledge my condition, and I don't either. I feel bad for them, what they have to go through. All of the medical bills they have to pay for me. I feel like such a burden all the time. My heart has been through so much, so much hurt, so much stress. But your heart could be going through the same thing right now. 

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if you didn't have to feel pain? I have. It's a terrible, wonderful thing to dream about. Because you know that no matter how hard you dream, it will never happen but it would be a miracle if it did.  For the last four years of my life I have been told, "You'll get through this! You'll be fine." but I could never believe them. Because they left out a part, I know I'll be fine, in the end. That's the only time that I will truly be 'fine' because my condition will never truly go away. I will always have certain days when my heart flutters a little too fast and sends me to the emergency room, or when it slows so much that I pass out. They don't understand that I guess, or they just don't want to. I have taken on so much pain for someone as young as I am. 

People have different definitions for pain. My definition of pain is watching your three year old brother die on a skype call, because you are both bedridden in the same hospital. My definition of pain is having friends who have been there for you from the beginning run away and hide because they are afraid of losing you. But in reality they had already lost you when they took  the first step. Pain is watching your family come to see you everyday and not being able to go home with them at the end of the day. It's those little moments when you want to give up but you hang on for your little sister who has already lost her brother. I hang on for them, not for myself. Some people call that love, but after all love is just a fancy world for pain. 

I think you get the gist, I'm stuck in this hospital with nothing to do. Other than write this, that is until someone comes up with medicine that will last longer than a week. But who am I to complain? There are people out there who have it way worse than I do, aren't there?  I do know that there is a lot of other people in this particular hospital that have the same condition that I do, but they can move.

I can't move, if I did I think that would make my condition a little bit more flexible, just slightly. Because currently I can't even sit up to give my mom a hug, my whole bed has to move. You don't know how it feels to not be able to hug your mom at any time that you want. But, maybe you do. I can't go to the bathroom without help. It sucks, I have no privacy. You may be wondering why I can't move, sense I only have a heart problem. Or you might know why. My energy drains very fast and it doesn't help that my heart rate is either super slow, or super fast.

 But I can listen to music, that always helps my situation.  Music is my favorite medication. It doesn't hurt, there are no downsides to taking it. It's easy to find, and almost everyone uses it. It helps me break away from my sad excuse of reality. But it does that for you too, doesn't it?  I can't go a day without listening to music, can you? The one thing that I hate about music is that it causes so many issues. People hate how different it is.  It causes so many issues within the world. Yet it solves most of them. Some people listen to metal, pop, hip-hop, dance, rap, and so many more. But everyone is all caught up about how everyone listens to something different than they do. 

People always forget about what music does to the soul, it makes you feel alive. It creates sparks by just listening to one note of your favorite song. It's the dim yet ever so bright light when there is nothing but darkness surrounding you. It's the words that you are afraid to say, so you sing them, or play them. Why do you think our hearts have beats? To give us life, music is life and it's all around us everyday. It's everywhere, even in the places that we least expect it to be. 

But anyway, I'll try to speed this up a bit. I don't want to waste your time. Though I might not be wasting your time, I might be taking you on an adventure, I'll never know.

Our hearts are wild creatures, that's why our ribs are cages. - Unknown

AN: There is more than one "main" character. Within the next three chapters I will be introducing you to them. This first chapter was for Kara Williams (: I hope you guys enjoy this. Also, I will make the chapters longer than this, these are around 1200 because it's just a short-ish summary of their lives. Thank you for reading! Feel free to give me feedback!