Reaching Infinity

June 6, 2013

I decided that I should go ahead and start these letters. I AM going into high school so I’m pretty sure I’ll need it. And wheres the pain in starting early? I also have no other way to vent and my feelings have been trapped inside of me for quite some time already. Fun fact: its only been a week since my last letter. Yep. I needed to vent THAT badly. Right after I stopped writing to you, I regretted saying my goodbye. I found out then that Jordyn was moving back to Florida. He is gone now. He wasn’t even the one to tell me. A random 7th grade girl asked me if I was going to miss him. Seriously. Imagine that feeling, thinking everything is fine only to have someone prove you wrong. We went out on Friday, a zoo trip, with The Wallflowers. We said our goodbyes and on Saturday, he left. Until Saturday, it didn’t really sink in that he wouldn’t be around. I cried when I first found out but later that night, I spoke with him about it. Then, I went completely blank. I couldn’t think or write or draw. I didn’t even listen to music or watch Batman. I wasn’t me. I was someone else, Quinn was dead for that time. On Friday, I started thinking again. The writing was more recent. I still can’t draw though, all that comes out of my pencil is overlapping words. Not even kidding, just words on top of words on top of even more words. Sometimes I lose myself for a minute and black out. I wake up to a sketchbook full of words. I guess that just shows what Jordyn meant to me. We’re trying long distance but I’ve only heard bad things about that. Its already difficult. I’m listening to music even more than I used to just to get away. Right now, its Strange Attractor by Animal Kingdom. 

I’m just sick of hearing my phone go off. My jealousy has worsened since I last wrote. I end up fighting with him. I don’t want to fight him. Why should I give him more reasons to go? Charlotte keeps trying to plan things and talk to me about Jordyn. Waverly asks questions and so many other people just text me. My phone is always buzzing and I hate it. I just want to be alone sometimes but thats hard because of my stupid phone. I kind of wish my parents would take it away again. The next “heyyy gurl! Whats upp?!” that I get is going to be deleted. I don’t want to just talk. Unless there is a reason right now, I don’t want to talk. Talking is not my specialty. I just get all jumbled up and can’t say what I need to say. Its like my tongue is broken. When I’m ready to talk, I will. If I don’t answer, it means I need my silence. Sometimes you need silence to find answers. People say that silence causes pain but fro pain comes strength. Without pain, there would be no survival. The silent pain is what makes me see things and understand not only what happens to me, but why.  

I’m in the car right now, driving to the beach. Waverly is sitting next to me, asleep. She always falls asleep in cars, no matter how much sleep we’ve had. I’m afraid to let her drive. 

Love Always,

Quinn