Reaching Infinity

June 10, 2013

Well, I’m on my way home now. My problems have been mostly resolved. I think the ocean helped me calm down a bit. We’re watching Little Manhattan in the car. I can’t really explain why I like this movie. I just do. Maybe its the young love factor. IT just proves that love just kind of happens. You can’t control when or with who. People don’t get it either. They think kids can’t fall in love and everything they have is just a crush. And if it isn’t a crush, its “puppy love.” What is puppy love? Is it basically saying that what they feel could never last? It isn’t real? Thats a terrible thing to say. For that time, they believe in each other. Im hoping that what I have is more than puppy love. And even if it is puppy love, I know I couldn’t stand a heart break.

I’m going to tell you something about love. In all of the times I’ve tried to describe it to you, none of them are completely accurate. They’re all just an attempt. Love is both beautiful and horrible. It is the most blissful feeling but also the most painful. It kills you but also gives you life at the same time. You’re always afraid of losing them but you also feel like they won’t leave. Sometimes things get messed up and you want to give up so badly but you don’t. You can’t even explain why. Its like my recent fight with Jordyn. I spent the entire time crying and wishing that it would just end. Then, in the end, everything was ok again. Now, I know that if I’d let go I would’ve felt worse than I had felt fighting him.That would’ve been awful. I started the fight but I couldn’t end it. It was like no fight I’d ever been in. Normally, had it been anyone else, I would’ve just said I was done and I didn’t think it was working. I would’ve remembered all of the bad things that had happened with that person. With Jordyn, I only remembered the good things. And in those good things, I felt a blast of energy. That energy knocked the fight out of me. It made me want to give into him. I felt like I should just fall right back into his arms and take in silence. I didn’t want anymore fights. My problem was that I had no way to give up. We were so deep in that there was no way I could just give up without telling him. So, I listened to the music he told me to listen to and fought with no will to fight. It was awful. Love stopped me from being able to do anything. I would never be able to get my way. I loved him too much. I couldn’t bear to lose him. So, yesterday I decided I would text him, even though we hadn’t really spoken much since that night. When we were talking, I realized how much I really miss him. I know that its for the best that he left but I can’t help it. 

Love makes me remember him but wish to forget him. I don’t want either one though. I want to know. I don’t want to remember because that means its done. Remembrance is seeing something from the past. He isn’t a memory. He is here and the story continues. It isn’t over. I don’t want to forget because if I forget, it means I’ll have to move on. I refuse to move on. I am his. I belong to Jordyn and I’ll never be able to belong to someone else. When he visits, I’ll be there, waiting for him. I will be there, smile on my face, ready to pretend like nothing ever changed. 

Love Always,

Quinn