It was a sunny day in where the losers lived. It was sunny, but cold. Like the kind of cold when you get out of a pool and it's snowing for some reason. That kind of cold. Knock your socks off cold. Freeze your boogers cold. Snuggle up to that random hobo for warmth at the bus stop cold. That kind of cold.
'It is the perfect day to go to walmart to buy gifts for the stupid Secret Santa thing the other losers had put on.' every single loser thought to theirself.
Sarah drove to walmart, barely paying attention to the road because she was playing Sims on her in-car desktop. The police had told her several times to remove it, but YOLO SWAG.
As she screeched into a parking space, she saw it out of the corner of her eye. Kati. Staring at sniffling strangers, her eyes alight with the passion of this special season.
"HEY LOSER!" Sarah yelled. "I NEED TO SHOP FOR THE SORT LOSER, YOU IN?"
Kati jumped in surprise, clutching her phone to her chest. "Oh, uh, yeah!"
Both losers hurried inside.
"I'm in charge of getting Megan a present." Kati told Sarah.
"Oh my Lord, Kati, you're such a butthole. It's a SECRET Santa. Not a 'this is who I'm buying for' Santa. You're such a loser! Whatever. We need to split up anyway. It'll look suspicious if anyone finds us shopping together. That'd be gay." Sarah swaggered off to find a set of stilts.
Kati shrugged and went to the cooking utensils section.
It wasn't long until Anna wandered into the store, after cursing at the giant inflatable Santa outside for a solid ten minutes. It was her job to shop for Kati, but had no idea what to buy. Luckily, Kevin appeared next to her.
"Hey! You were standing there like an idiot so I assumed you need help." He told her.
Anna gasped. "How dare you discriminate against my height! Just because I'm not tall and intimidating doesn't mean I need help all the time!"
Kevin crossed his arms. "Accepting help skills: 1/100 stars. That sucked. I'm going to help you anyway though, because it's the Christmas season and I'm feeling benevolent."
Anna shrugged grumpily and let him.
"So, what're you looking for?" Kevin asked, hoping to get out of the situation fairly quickly.
"A secret Santa present for Kati. I don't know what she likes besides snot."
"How about a block of ham? Chicks dig ham."
Anna gasped again, this time in happiness. "You're a genius! She'll love it!" She ran off to find the ham, but was careful to pick the smallest to make herself look bigger.
Megan did not go to walmart. She knew that a happy Sarah was a Sarah who had fresh pumpkin spice cake balls. So, naturally, she was making a thousand of them.
A few days later, when it wasn't quite as cold outside, they all met at Anna's house. One problem was that Anna had lowered all of the ceilings to make herself seem taller. None of the losers were tall enough to hit their heads in the 5'7 rooms, but it was still rather unsettling.
Another problem was that Megan, Anna, and Kevin had all gotten sick. In the spirit of Christmas, Megan and Kevin had come anyway. Anna was lying on her couch, whining at everyone.
Megan presented Sarah with several wrapped boxes. Sarah gave Anna two very long packages. Anna gave Kati a small cooler. Kati gave Megan a small wrapped box.
"It's a hedgehog toothpick holder!" Megan squealed. "It's perfect!" She gave Kati an awkwardly long hug, letting go for a sneezing fit.
"You two are so gay!" Sarah whined as she opened the boxes. "CAKE POPS! PUMPKIN CAKE POPS! Nevermind, you're cool!" She immediately stuffed her mouth with like six of them.
Anna pulled at the wrapping paper on the long package curiously, then jumped for joy. "Stilts! I'll be taller than all of you losers!" She pointed at them threateningly then rushed outside to try them on.
"Kati, your turn!" Kevin said cheerfully. "I didn't get you this, but I picked it out, so you should love it."
Kati hesitantly opened the cooler, expecting to find a brain or something creepy in there. "Ham!" She exclaimed, pulling it out. "It's perfect!"
Kevin nodded, tears prickling his eyes. "I know." He said quietly. Kati didn't really care about the ham, but wasn't going to pass up an opportunity to hug a sick! Kevin. They hugged for a few moments before Megan Shoved them apart. "Anyways! Did anyone get Kevin something?"
The remaining losers sat in silence, feeling bad about themselves.
After the party, they all pitched in and took Kevin out to his favourite restaurant, Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. He gave it 100/5 stars.
It was the best Christmas ever.
