To those empty days

No tears

PS - I forgot where I got the inspiration for this, but enjoy! :)
***

I refused to let them see me cry.

I have done this for years. There is no reason why I would not be able to hold it in right now.

"Justin? Are you okay?"
Shit, her voice.

"Yes, yes. Please don't come in."

"What's going on? You're scaring me, you know?"

"It's nothing! Really." I tore out wads of toilet paper and scrubbed at my cheeks. No tears, Justin. No tears.
But akin to the child shampoo which guaranteed "no tears", my waterworks failed to cease.

"Justin, hello? What the hell is going on?" Chelsea's patience had reached her limit.

Okay, you got this, clean your eyes, guys are not supposed to cry. Go out there and put all your emotions aside okay? It's your best friend's big day, you ought to be happy for her.

With one last glance at my reflection, I pushed open the door.

Chelsea stood there akimbo, a frown etched on her face.
She tilted her head at me - an explanation, that's what she had wanted.

I rolled my eyes, although my insides were on a roller coaster.
"I had diarrhea alright. A really bad one that was about to erupt. Would you rather I stayed there? I had no choice!"

She stuck her head behind the bathroom door and sniffed.
"Liar. It does not smell like poo in here."

I yanked her shoulder.
"Brides don't go around sniffing for poo 2 hours before their banquet. Do you want Derrick to smell poo on you?"

Derrick. The mention of his name sent a spear through my heart.

"Well, he loves me for who I am. It wouldn't make a difference." She dusted her shoulders.

I nodded, mustered my cheek muscles to offer a weak grin.

"Wait! Your eyes, they are sort of red. Are you allergic to something? Justin you're so high maintenance, it's not even your big day yet. Can't wait for yours." Chelsea pressed her hand against my cheek.

I flinched and swat at her hand.

"I told you, I had diarrhea. The pushing motion can get to your eye muscles. And don't worry, I won't get married, ever. Especially if I ever have to marry someone like you."

She laughed, "Alright, just don't go running off during my banquet later! Once during my vow was enough already! You have to witness me walking down the aisle later, it will be iconic. But we need to go now, they're all waiting!"

Chelsea linked her arm through mine and dragged me back into the church. I sighed.
And I'm dreading it. 

***

"Babe! Guess who I brought back!" Chelsea slipped her arm off mine and pounced onto Derrick. They exchanged a quick kiss and he shifted his attention on me.

"Aw dude, you missed my part of the vows! I spent a week on it and -" He began, giving me a friendly punch.

"Sorry man, but when the toilet calls, I have to oblige." I hastily cut him off, it was the only way I could stop the ache. His voice reminded me of what I had missed and what I would be losing forever. "So what's up now?"

Chelsea stood up, "We need to change into our fancy gown and suit soon! You as the head groomsman need to ensure everyone's happy and enjoying!Afterwards, it will just be waiting for the guests to flood in and for the night to be perfect."

"It will be, I'm so sure," Derrick whispered into Chelsea's ear.

The urge to press myself against the wall and pretended I had not witnessed that exchange was burning in me.

Keep all emotions in, Justin. 

***

Fast forward to 7.30pm, I had successfully completed 3/4 of the day. One point for me!

But the time had came. The moment that I did not want to come true. The moment that I wanted something to go horribly wrong. Such that this will not take place.

"Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for the entrance of the couple whose happiness we are about to witness. Give it up for Derrick and Chelsea!"
Chairs grazed the carpeted ground in sync, and cheers erupted.

Witnessing the both of them sashaying down the aisle, I could just imagine myself there. I have never worn a formal suit, but if I could, I would wear a white one, with colours like the gown Chelsea had on. If only, but that was no longer possible.

Just then, Chelsea, having caught sight of me, blew me a kiss and i patronizingly caught it.
You'll be happy and blissful, I mouthed and waved at the both of them.

Of course, she will be. After tonight, she will be with the man of my dreams. 

***