Teach Me How to Love Again (Sequel to Dirty Little Secret)

Chapter 51: Drenched in My Pain Again

*~(The title of this chapter is from Wake Me Up When September Ends by Green Day.)~*

That night, Pete and Jamia eventually had to leave, and I just stayed in my room all night. I wanted to be alone. It was nothing against Frank. Don't get me wrong, he's my best friend, and I love him, but I just couldn't bear talking to anyone right now.

But after that, things only got worse.

I locked myself up in my room for an entire week. I didn't talk to anyone, and I didn't go to school. I turned my phone off and put it into a drawer where I wouldn't see the notifications even if it was on. Frank tried to talk to me, but I hardly ever responded. He was understanding, though. He still brought me food, and he came in to check on me, even if I didn't want to talk. Some days he left to see Jamia, and that was fine with me. Being alone was great.

I was slowly pushing everyone away. I could practically feel the people I love giving up on me. I didn't mean to push them away, but I couldn't help it anymore.

Today was one of those days where Frank went to Jamia's place, so I grabbed my phone and actually turned it on. I had some messages from Pete, Jamia, Kristin, Mikey, Denise, and Ray, but I ignored those for now. My main priority was the fact that I had a voicemail and a few messages from Gerard.

I listened to the voicemail first, because it was the most recent thing he had sent. He sent it like two hours ago.

"H-hey, Skylar. I... I know you don't want to talk to me, but I'd really like it if we could talk. Maybe you wanna wait 'til after you graduate, wh-which is fine. I hope you agree to talk to me, and I hope your boyfriend allows it," he spoke in the voicemail. I just deleted it and turned my phone off again.

I had never been a very spiritual person, but this felt like the right time to do something I should have done a long time ago. I laid on my back and started upward. I took a deep breath before I began.

"Mom, Dad, if you can hear me from wherever you are right now, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I had an illegal relationship. I'm sorry I'm pregnant while I'm still a teenager. I'm sorry I became a mother too early and ruined my chances of going to a good college right after high school and finding a career like you wanted me to. I'm sorry I got into such a toxic relationship. I know you wanted better for me. Mom, I'm sorry I kept taking him back after he did such horrible things, and I'm sorry I'd always blame myself for his infidelity, or harshness towards me. I know you wanted me to be a strong, independent woman. Dad, I'm sorry I let him get away with cheating and all of this stuff. I know you wanted me to never take crap from anyone. I'm sorry I'm not strong and tough like you wanted me to be," I started, and then I paused to take another deep breath as I started crying.

"But, most of all, I'm sorry I let you both down. I never meant for this to happen. You both had so much hope for me, and I failed you. That's what I'm the most sorry for," I finished.

I took another deep breath and started bawling. Lately I'd been under so much stress, I hadn't thought about my parents much. Now I was in pain again.

I let them both down. I wanted to make them proud, but I even failed that. I let them down, and that's what hurts most of all. I never meant to be such a let-down.