Questioning sexuality (my life)

Finding myself (sexuality)

Throughout life, everyone experiences several different struggles, confusions and mistakes from anyone else. Some people will have similar experiences with others, some won't. It is life, life is full of different experiences to encounter. Ones that can either make you or break you.

One significant confusion I faced in my life was during my high school days. The complete and utter confusion of finding myself, finding out who I am and how I want to live life. Growing up in a reasonably catholic house, but not massively religious, did help with my confusion because I knew that they would not reject me if it came out that way.

But during school, in which was a catholic school, I was assumed and ridiculed for wanting to be close to my 'girl' friends, as in my friends whom were girls. But wanting to hug and be close to my friends, people were convinced as to think I was not straight, which was a big thing in a catholic school.

In my 3rd year of high school, so still before I came into my sexuality. One of my new best friends and I started to become very close, cuddling and hugging for quite long periods of times and plus her few teasing moments of my body and mind that she seemed to always have, we just had a very close relationship, in which did very much determine my sexuality as being gay. But that is beside the point, she was straight. the cliche lesbian falling for a straight girl. But at the time I was only 14, and we were close, but how close we were was what made it appear to others as if we were more than friends. Even though none of my sexuality had even occurred to me at the time. But what made it hard was her ex-best friend and her were growing apart at the time of our friendship blossoming.

This girl got jealous and proceeded to think I was stealing her best friend from her, a typical immature 15 year old state of mind. But what made it hard was when she then decided to spread rumours among my friends and the school that I was in fact a lesbian. But this was not spread in an accepting or good way. The lesbian rumour was intended to be insulting and shameful.

I was treated differently and my actions were often questioned, even amongst some of my closest friends. This made me self-conscious on how I may act, as well as putting in my mind that being gay was an insult and bad. I proceeded to deny and reject any of these assumptions.

And as I grew older and started to understand my own mind, I realised she saw it even before I did, but the bad thing was that she saw it negatively. I kept looking for excuses of why these new unknown thoughts were happening. I thought that maybe every girl had these thoughts for girls. But I was wrong and I figured that out in my 2nd last year of high school.

Year 11 was a hard year for me, I figured out my whole sexuality and then started to come out to people. I realised I was in love with my best friend whom had just gotten into a serious relationship, then to ditch me and slowly reduce any time she had for me. I then lost my best friend, the girl whom had been there for me for the last 3 years, but I did not realise how unhealthy of a friendship it was until I took a step back and analysed the situation and our friendship and the way she treated me. But because I lost her as my best friend, I also lost my old group of friends from the previous years in high school, lets just say my ex-best friend was good with words and thought to be never accountable for any problem, and even though I did assume that a few of my group would deny or reject my new found sexuality. I felt as if I did not belong in that group anymore, I felt as if I could not be myself. I was afraid to be myself.

But on the bright side, in that same year I found a new group of friends who cherished and loved me for all of who I am, whom were there to gossip and joke about with all these new feelings and our high school life. Those girls helped my confidence, helped me to be proud of who I am and no longer reject myself.

It took me a long time to figure out my sexuality. At first I had thought I was bisexual, I knew I was attracted to women and that the attraction I had for them, was not what all girls had. But the question then was, do I like guys? I went into two relationships with different guys in that year. One which was not very serious at all, I had mistaken the boost to my ego with his flirting as liking the boy. But then I figured out we had no chemistry and I could not find an emotional connection with him. I thought it was weird that when we were holding hands, all I could think was 'his hands are really sweaty' and that was not a normal thought for a relationship, and after time I knew I couldn't string him along, he was one of my bestest friends. So I then broke it off and he still remains one of my best friends to this day. On to my other relationship. I again could not find an emotional connection. I would naturally pull back when he tried to kiss me, I was not attracted to him. I didn't miss him when I was away from him. Kissing him became a sort of chore. I had no sexual desire for him whatsoever and that is again not right. So we had a talk and decided that we are not going anywhere and decided to break it off. During that relationship I was questioning. Why am I not close with him? Why don't I want to kiss him? What's wrong with me? Maybe I am gay?

And only after a month after the end of our relationship did I really consider myself being gay. As well as my love and fangirl relationship with the 100 and Clexa, specifically Lexa, as well as Orange is the New Black, and Vauseman. I didn't tell anyone. Catholic school was a scary place to even consider coming out to. I would go watch lesbian Youtubers like Ally Hills, Stevie Boebi, Shannon and Cammie, and Rose and Rosie. It really opened up my mind to myself.

I started with just telling my cousin, and slowly a few more. But never a lot. The maximum that knew were about 5, that was until I started to accept and be proud of myself, and until I told one of my best friends; Caitlin.

So yeah, that year was quite difficult and confusing. Balancing my confusion, my friendship problems, my new friends and becoming closer with them, my school work in VCE (An Australian equivalent of SATs and GPA). It was hard but it wasn't all bad.

The thing that really brightened up that year was meeting my amazing girlfriend whom really confirmed my sexuality. I fell in love with her so fast I don't even remember falling. She gave me confidence, she helped me stop all these negative habits I had on myself, such as apologising almost continuously for something that did not need an apology. Something that I myself didn't even believe that I did anything wrong. My apologies became almost insincere because I did it so often, because I thought that's what was expected of me. I had to make myself less and feel bad in order to please the person. She was one of the few people whom loved and accepted me for I am, she told me I was beautiful and she told me I was pure, she told me I was amazing and she told me I was hers.

She was the light in that confusing year and I honestly cannot thank her enough for making my year a better place.

But as well as thanking my beautiful girlfriend, I needed to thank my best friend Caitlin whom had moved schools just before year 11. She went to an arts school which had a wide variety and diverse group of individuals. And once I told her of my sexuality, she then took it upon herself to badger me continuously, until I allowed her to find me someone to set me up with. Someone she deemed worthy. And she did, she introduced me to my first girlfriend.

At first I did not think that anything would happen from this 'set-up' but as we started talking and getting to know each other. She was nothing I was expecting, she was wonderful and confident and kind. She made me feel special and I was so surprised at how much chemistry we had. But that was all just over the internet at first. When we first met. Everything blossomed, she surprised me every time she told me not to apologise and to say 'pickles' instead. I was surprised how pretty she was and especially how tall she was. She was a very unexpected love.

But we continued to grow, our feelings, our trust, and eventually, our love. She is someone that will never know how much she really means to me, because it is not in the vocabulary of the English language. And so as we started getting more serious, I started coming out to a lot more people. My parents, my family including all my aunties and uncles, my friends. A wide number of people. But it was final once we went official on Facebook. Everyone knew of us, everyone knew of my sexuality. And everyone knew of my happiness in my relationship and myself.

A.N: although we are no longer together now. She will always have a huge impact in my life and who I am. We are still good friends I'm glad to say, and she will always be my first everything. But we were just not compatible as individuals in the long run, so our relationship hit its end mutually. I am now in a relationship with the love of my life and planning marriage and a future with this girl.