You Can't Fix Me

why

I can't believe this is happening. My sadistic mother is actually sending me to this so called 'correction' camp, where they will somehow not make me who I am. I am a trans girl. I was born like this.

The doctor apparently didn't see my ironic penis and told my conservative christian parents that they had two girls. The doctor was both right and wrong. Because of this, I came home to a nice house with a so called loving set of parents, with a pink room I wasn't allowed to share with my sister. She and my older brother Jack were the first ones I came out to. They were both very accepting and neither of them ever made fun of me. I played with my sisters toys and when I got a to be around ten, under the supervision of Jack, I went behind my parents back and tried on my sisters clothes.

Then one day, my mom and dad were going to see a friend. Halfway to her house, she called my mom and canceled, saying her son got sick and had to take him to the hospital. Me and my sister were dancing in dresses while my now 14 year old brother babysat us, when my parents came through the door, seeing us. seeing me. Seeing me in a pink dress. seeing me in a pink dress with messy pink nail polish and a lot of messy pink makeup. seeing me, In my sisters tiny plastic heels. seeing me as I am. Seeing me as a girl.

Not a second passed; I started crying. Jack, being the big strong man he is, picked me up and held me. Then my parents started screaming. They yelled at me, telling me to take my sister Amanda's clothes off and wipe all the makeup off. They yelled at Amanda, asking her why she would let me wear her clothes and to go to her pretty pink room and they told Jack to let go of me and to go to the room we shared.

Amanda obeyed but Jack stayed and held my hand, afraid of what my parents would do. Slowly I took off the dress and shoes. Jack took me into the bathroom and set me on top of the sink to get the makeup and nail polish off. He told me he was sorry, that he Didn't see the text from mom, saying they were coming back early.

Me and my brother slowly walked to the living room where my parents were waiting with angry faces, waiting to talk to me. to yell at me more. I told them this was the first time and that i was just playing around. Jack told them the truth that night after i went to sleep. He thought it would be healthier for me.

Ever since then, they hired a babysitter from church when they left, fearing i would let myself through again. They took me to church and told me i was evil. Told me I was Satan.

I never came out to my friends; I was to afraid they would make fun of me.

Since I had a job walking dogs for our neighbors, my parents would search my room for girl clothes, makeup, magazines with naked boys, or any other girly things. Of course, i had some of these things, but they would always get taken away after they were found and eventualy, my parents forced me to quit my job. Even after this, Amanda would sneak me pretty jewlery and things, that always would be taken away.

One day, when I was 15, we were at church and a man at the door was talking about how gay and trans children will go to hell if they aren't fixed and that they are having some sort of camp that will fix these children. My parents signed me up in a heartbeat. My mom pulled me up to the front of the crowd to see the man. She told him I thought I was a girl. I was so embarrassed, i started crying. The man looked at me with non judgemental eyes and said everything will be okay.

My mom filled out the paper and gave it to the man. He told her camp starts in two days and lasts for three months which is the whole summer vacation. week. He told her that the camp teaches us about the bible and how we will go to hell if we aren't 'fixed'. I hated how he said fixed. But he looked really uncomfortable as he was saying this. like he was lying.

I packed my bags when I got home. I wore a blue tee shirt and white skinny jeans that my dad said weren't too girly with a pair of black Vans. I threw a few plain tee shirts and a grey hoodie and a pairs of red and black skinny jeans in my suitcase. I stuffed a sketchbook in too with a new black charcoal pencil in a plastic bag.

I brought my bag out to my parents so they could look throught it to make sure I don't have anything of my sisters in it or anything to girly.

That night I cried, thinking the people at the camp would brainwash me or something, but the truth is, I wanted to be fixed. I didn't want my parents to hate me and I didn't want to be different from the other kids at my high school and the pure sinless teens at church.

The next day, my mom woke me up and told me to be good at the camp. Jack was awake and he hugged me, and told me everything will be fine and to just be myself. When he hugged me, he discreetly handed me my iPod and a necklace of Amanda's.

Jack smiled and said to not listen to the people at the camp. Mom frowned and told Jack to go to his room. then she drove me to church. When we pulled into the parking lot, there were three white busses. there had to be about 150 kids waiting on the sidewalk. some were girls and some were boys. some were crying and some were fighting with who i presume was there parents.

I looked to my mom, crying, silently begging her to take me home.

"Get out." She said flatly. I grabbed my suit case and got out of the car. I slammed the door.

"Fuck you!" why did I say that to my own mother? Then I realized something.I realized that she deserved it.

I pulled myself together and went to wait with the other kids in front of the church. I slid my slim blue iPod nano and hot pink earbuds from my pocket and played 'Girl on Fire' by Alicia Keys. That's how I feel: like a girl on fire.

I'm burning and my skin is melting and falling off.