What do I do wrong? Am I too clingy? Am I just to cold? Why do all of my closest friends, whom I thought I could would stay with me till the end, just leave? Am I not worth waisting your time?
Did I push you away? I don't think I did. I would never do something so stupid as to push away my only friends. One by one you leave me. First Rae, then Jonathan.
I fucking hate you guys, you made me feel used, like I was nothing but a porcelain doll that cracked yet never shattered and my owner was getting bored of looking at such an ugly doll, so they threw me away.
Rae, you were nice but you made Evey wrong decision you could possibly make. You got an on and off boyfriend who didn't even love you, he cheated on you multiple times and you knew, you were just to scared to lose him. Eventually you turned suicidal, whether it was because of him or other problems, I'll never know, but you wanna know what I do know? Its that you gave up on yourself so easily, you allowed others words to get to you, sure there words were like knives in your heart but you were the one who would reopen those wounds just so you could thrive on some sense of depression. It was sickening seeing my once, brave, outgoing friend turn into nothing more then a ball of self loath. Don't get me wrong I reached out to you, I did everything in my power to try to tell you how better you were but in the end you took all of my advice and threw it in the trash yet you kept all the spiteful comments dear to your maddening heart. Then you moved away and I never heard from you again.
Jonathan, my dear, sweet love. When I met you, you were as silent as a mouse, if anyone so much as breathed I'd miss your voice. But, you know , I took a special interest in you. Why? I'm actually not that sure. I'm not the type of person who believes in 'love at first sight', yet there's a first for everything isn't there? When I saw you something just clicked, I doubt you felt it but something about you made you different from everyone else. You had so much potential to make friends with many people when we first met, but you decided to stay in your shell where no one could hurt you. It was the second year that we actually became more acquainted with each other. Day in day out we would endlessly write to ourselves, nothing to big, just small stuff. We were inseparable, yet I asked you a simple question, "Do you like me?" All I wanted was a response, I wanted to know if I could allow myself to love with a passion so deep that would make the depth of the ocean seem small, or if I should extinguish the burning passion that brought me happiness yet a twang of sadness altogether. Yet, I didn't know which to do, you never gave me an answer. That's worse then getting shot down, it meant you were on the fine line of uncertainty and you couldn't decide. You didn't know what to do with my flame so insted of putting it out you let it slowly and painfully burn out, you let me experience first hand what it feels like to have your heart slowly torn from your chest. But you know what I hate the most? Its not that you ignored me the following year, I knew that would happen, but what really caused my fume of anger to start burning? Is that you had a girlfriend then next year, no, I wasn't jealous, but rather dumfounded on how you could be so stupid. She was cheating on you as well. Just like with Rae, I was scared you would start harming yourself like she did so I did my best to try and protect you, who knows, maybe you didn't need my help, but wasn't going to stop me. Yet, all my attempts to tell you were in vain, eventually she dumped you and said that she dated you you out of self pity, I thought you would quit right then and there, I thought you wouldn't date someone else for a while, but the next thing you did was date her Best friend. From there everything went downhill, you got yourself involved in a wave of drama, one which I couldn't pull you out from. In the end, I decided it was best not to get involved with you anymore, I forgot of your existence altogether.
Sometimes, when I'm alone on restless nights, I dream of things that could have happed should I have told Rae's boyfriend to back off and leave her alone and should I have ignored my love altogether for Jonathan and just stayed friends? Would things have been better? Would they have been worse? Who knows, now its nothing more then a meat fantasy which only comes to life in my insomniac nights.
