Dear Diary...

11/27/15

So today i feel like a fat***
I woke up before anyone else and sat down on the couch eating Cap'n crunch peanut butter cereal.

Two bowls.

I am so disgusting.

But i should stop with the self-hate and actually get off my butt and do something to change what i don't like about myself.
Seriously, i had the whole week off from school and what did i do? Absolutely nothing. I stayed home the whole day all week and not once did i work out. I have what i need but i don't use it. No, 'cause i'm such a lazy procrastinator.

I want to change now. I want to be able to feel comfortable even with just my family. To be able to not be so self-conscious everywhere all the time.

I want to be thin, to be able to feel my bones. For some reason i have a thing for feeling my bones, idk. So far i can feel my collarbones and kinda my hipbones, but i don't want just that. I don't want to just feel them, i want to see them too. I want to see my ribs, and collarbones, and hipbones. I want to touch my arms and feel my elbows' bones. My shoulders, and my knees.

I want to erase all this fat. To stop feeling everything jiggle when i move. I want to stop seeing my humongous thighs, and my flabby arms. I want to have a flat stomach, and have lean legs, and a thin waist. I want to stop having back fat. I want to have smaller boobs, because when i look at myself sideways they always make me look worse.

I want to be able to run without getting tired, and stop making a mess of myself in front of everyone. I want to have a thin face, and to finally feel pretty. I want everyone to stop viewing me like the typical overweight smart quiet girl.
I want to have confidence, and be happy with myself for once.

I want to stop being the fat friend. The overweight classmate. The ugly sister. The good for nothing daughter.
I want to make my parents proud. I want to show them that i can do it. That i can be who they want me to be.
I need to change. For myself too.
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Oof, that was a bit deep...
So i guess that is it for now.
If you have any tips or just support, feel free to comment:)
Or if you just want to talk or whatever, go ahead and message me. I'll try to answer as soon as i can.

Buh-Bye .__.