It's past midnight and yet Lucile still couldn't sleep. She had so much on her mind. After taking a shower that evening, she couldn't help weighing herself. The scale near the bathroom door was mocking her. Or so Lucile thought.
She skipped dinner again. It's a good thing that she lived alone now. Her mother would not allow her to skip meals. She was one of those people who believed food was the best thing in the world. If only she knew what Lucile, her 'beautiful, little' girl, felt about food.
Nothing about Lucile was little. She was fat. Plain and simple. A few guys had told her she would be pretty if she just lost a few stones. Couldn't a girl just be pretty? No buts?
During one of her teenage phases Lucile blamed her mother for the state she was in. If her mother hadn't fed her so much carbs. If her mother had been stricter in refusing Lucile's demands for ice creams and chocolate. And so many other if's. And then Lucile heard from her grandfather how poor they used to be, how her grandfather, grandmother, mother and uncles used to fast not out of religiousness but simply because they had no money to buy food with. And to them dying of hunger was better than stealing.
Lucile didn't wanna psychologize it. If her mother's love of food stemmed from her hungry childhood, she didn't know. Or if feeding Lucile all the time was some sort of overcompensation for the fact that her mother was more often hungry than not when young. Lucile had no idea. She didn't care to find out. But that night she cried herself to sleep. Her mother too had had her own issues, what was the use of blaming her? That was the night she vowed never to put the blame on others again.
*****
Lucile woke up to the sound of her alarm. She stretched her limbs before slowly getting her reluctant body out of bed. Standing in front of her mirror Lucile was shocked to find that the reflection before her was that of a skinny version of herself. She pinched herself and boy did it hurt. She felt light. Now she could go to work feeling confident. And guys would actually think she was pretty and asked her to go on dates. She smiled contentedly.
Her alarm rang again. She groaned. Fantasy time was over. On days where she felt really bad about herself she'd fantasize about suddenly being skinny, being liked by guys. Not that it helped make her feel any better. She should have learnt her lesson really.
Darn it, she had to go now or else she'd be late for work. And she couldn't be late for work. Career was all she had. Well, if you could count working as a librarian in the university she wasn't smart enough to get into as a career. She had a college degree and that was enough for her. The people who came with education as a package wasn't her cup of tea.
She had always been a little overweight for as long as she remembered. And her 'friends' throughout all her school years never failed to remind her of that. Heck, she wouldn't have known being fat was a worse sin than being mean if it weren't for them. She had tried hard not to be embittered. Some days had been harder than the others. On those days she'd sit on the toilet seat and sobbed into her own hands. She was just thankful school was over for her.
"Hello, I'd like to borrow these" a voice woke her from her reverie. A guy, Romano, Lucile read from his library card, put a stack of books in front of her. Who named their kids Romano, really? Without looking up she scanned the books. Science, science, math, science again. Must be a geek, Lucile thought to herself.
"Here you go", Lucile couldn't help but stare at the guy as she was giving him back his library card. He looked like one of those pretty boys in the Korean drama series she used to be crazy about.
"Thank you", Romano smiled a dimpled smile. He did not look like a geek but he borrowed science books so he had to be a geek, Lucile reasoned. How lucky some people were, to be blessed with brains and looks. No, no, no, this won't do, count your blessings, girl, she reprimanded herself. At least she still had all her teeth. That was a great blessing, right? She couldn't imagine living with just half a set of her teeth or with blackened or yellow teeth from nicotine.
****
It was Thursday. If most people loved Friday, Lucile dug Thursday. On Fridays she could never go out because it's too peopley everywhere. Meanwhile Thursday gave her a chance to enjoy life outside her apartment and her workplace. She chose to go to one of the few cafes she genuinely liked. It was cozy there. And at this hour not many people could be found hanging out in that cafe so she could read her book and drink her latte in peace.
She was just getting her novel out of her bag when a waiter approached her. "What would you like, Miss?" Lucile startled. It was the Korean guy who borrowed science books.
Oh, well, it's not like he's going to remember me anyway, Lucile thought to herself. "A latte, please", she tried to smile. Romano, Lucile still remembered his name. But then again who could forget such a ridiculous name, she mentally thought. "Coming right up" he graced her with his smile before leaving her table.
He really did not remember her. She had expected it but somehow she was still sorely disappointed. It's hard being unpretty and insecure. When people didn't notice you, you felt sad. But when they did notice you, you wish they had not.
Today her book of choice was Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë. It was one of her favourites. She especially liked that book because the heroine wasn't pretty. And Lucile wasn't pretty. Sometimes she wished she would meet her own Mr. Rochester. She even named her cat after him. Lucile sighed.
"Are you having problems?" Romano put her latte on the table and sat opposite her.
"Nah. Just this latte, thank you." She took a sip of her latte. It tasted like heaven.
"Haha, you're funny. Not to intrude but I heard you sighing and I thought I could offer a listening ear if you were having some issues you wanted to get off your chest." Lucile was staring at his face while he was talking. Mud brown eyes, jet black hair, a set of thin lips that seemed to be always ready to smile, proportional straight nose, high cheekbones. He was pretty.
"Well, Luc, are you gonna accept my offer?" Romano folded his hands in front of his chest.
"How did you know my name?" Lucile's overactive imagination caused her to wonder if behind his handsome profile was a cold blooded killer.
"You don't remember me?" He pouted. He really pouted. "We met at the library. I read your nametag." Not a trace of offense could be found in his voice.
"Ah. Student. Many people go to the library. I can't possibly remember them one by one." Lucile fiddled with the hem of her sweater sleeves. "And aren't you working? You should get back to work."
"I'd rather sit and talk with you" Lucile couldn't believe her ears. Did he really just flirt with her?
"Jeez somebody made the wrong decision hiring you" Outside, she's the perfect picture of calm and indifference. Inside, her heart and mind were busy yammering what she should say next.
"Drink your latte. It's on the house" Romano stood up. He wrote something in his notepad and torn the paper sheet. "Here's my number, in case you change your mind", he winked. And before Lucile could say anything he was gone.
