I Will Always Wait...

The wait. That seemed to summarize Merlin's life. All 1500 years of it.

All he could wait for was an end to this misery, this desolation. Merlin chuckled mirthlessly, he supposed he was now what everyone in the modern day called chronically depressed.
Who wouldn't be? He had given 10 years of his life for his friend. His destiny. His brother.
He had sacrificed so much. Will, Balinor...Freya.

She used to console him, early on in his exile. When he could barely move from grief. He would feel a reassuring gaze on him and hear sweetly whispered words, encouraging him to get up and to move. To continue protecting Camelot as he had always done. But never could he face entering those gates again. Never could he walk up to the still strong white citadel. Never could he look upon the faces of those left of the original Round Table...Leon, Percival, Gwen.

Poor, strong Gwen. Running a kingdom by herself while struggling with the knowledge that he still struggled with. That.. Arthur...was gone. Gone.

He had watched Camelot flourish, silently ridding her of her enemies. Nothing would destroy the world Arthur and he had worked so hard to create. He owed the world that much. No more.

He sat on the shores of the lake, now almost entirely rid of its magic. It had enough for Merlin to sense that Freya was there. The Sidhe had closed the gates to Avalon a long time ago, but the lake was important. It had to be. Arthur had to come. He just...had to.

Why else had he been condemned to the living hell he was existing in? He wasn't truly living. He was existing, but not living. He had no reason to. All who he loved had long since left him. Aithusa had been a companion but she had died early. The effects of her captivity never truly having left her.

He sat by the lake day after day, eating in his little hut by the lake, seen as a lovable tramp by many of those in town. Every now and then, he would vanish, change his appearance and return, so as not to attract suspicion. The world had changed in the many years he had lived. He learned it all, and then ignored it. His magic was used in the most ordinary ways now. No slaying griffins, pixies, enemies, witches.

Witches. The one regret that he still had left. Morgana. What he wouldn't have given to travel back in time to see Morgana as the kind soul she once was. But, he realized with a chuckle, Arthur would have been a prat at the same time.

He settled in his usual place, sending his magic out, feeling for any change. As usual, as there had been for the last 547,483 days, there was no change.

But wait, there was. The magic surrounding the lake had shifted just a bit. As Merlin waited, he felt it again, much like waves lapping at a lake.

It was growing stronger. But slowly. It would still take many days for any true change.

He gazed at the lake. He could swear he heard a voice that sounded suspiciously like Freya's saying what sounded like, "Carry on Merlin. Your wait is almost at an end. The Once and Future King will return. And your purpose for living eternally will end. You will eventually get what you craved most. An end to the immortality you have suffered."

That was all he had ever wanted. To die. To not live for eternity drowning in sorrow and regret and anger and depression and longing.

He wanted his brother. He wanted Gwen's shoulder to cry on. He wanted Gaius's comforting words. He wanted Lancelot's friendship. He wanted Morgana's strength and compassion. He wanted, Avalon forbid, Gwaine's jokes. He wanted Freya, and the sweet and kind love she had given him. He wanted everyone back. He had sent all of them to Avalon so that they could all be together one day again.

He wanted his life back. And as he sat on the banks of the lake of Avalon, twenty leagues away from what remained of Camelot, he finally cried. He finally grieved, with Freya's comforting touch at the back of his mind. And he waited, and for the first time in a millennium, he was hopeful of what the future would bring.

AN: I hope you guys liked that one. I was recently thinking about both Merlin and Tuck Everlasting, and the truth of what living for millennia must feel like. I wished that on no one. And it wasn't Arthur's death that made me feel sad, all good things must end. It was the lack of hope, happiness, determination that you could see so clearly on Merlin's face at the end of the story. Maybe this will become a series. I like where it's going...