How I lost her.

Her name was Lucy and she was my best friend, it has been a year.

It was just a small touch of cancer she told me. She was getting better she swore to me. It was almost gone she said when I asked. She would be perfectly fine she constantly reminded me. But then why did she look worse every time I saw her, if it was just a small touch of cancer? Why was she always so tired, if she was getting better? Why was her nose always bleeding at random times, if it was almost gone? Why was she always at the doctors, if she was perfectly fine?

It took longer than I'd like to admit for me to realize that she was lying to me, she was protecting me from the reality of her own demise. At first I didn't understand why she was lying, wouldn't it be better to tell me so that I could help her? Until I realized that by not telling me she didn't have to admit it to herself. She didn't have to think about the future and what lay ahead for her, she was able to distract herself by hiding it all from me.

The day that I found out about all of this was the day when she broke down in tears, and told me everything. How bad it actually was, how the chemo didn't seem to be doing anything anymore, and most importantly how she was thinking about stopping. I managed to keep myself calm and talk her down, until only a few tears were falling down her cheeks as she clutched onto me. It was a few weeks later when she told me that she had actually stopped the chemo, after that I didn't say much, I just hugged her and promised to do anything I could to help.

It was a week after that when she collapsed at the park, it was like a blow to the gut, I knew that this was a possibility, but I had never expected it to happen so soon. It had started with a small nose bleed, but she had just pulled out a tissue and waited for it to stop, I knew how much she hated people seeing her like that, so I turned away. A few seconds later I heard a faint thump, and turned around to see her passed out of the floor, of course the first thing I did was check her pulse, which was weak but still there. Then, I called 911, there was nothing else I could do to help her I wasn't a doctor or anything like that.

~

According to one of the nurses that was in the room after I woke up, I had passed out from shock soon after the paramedics arrived. I don't remember being in shock, but apparently that was normal, at least that's what the nurse told me. The nurse was also telling me that she wanted to check that I was okay before she let me leave the room, no matter how many times I insisted that I was okay. So it was at least another hour before I was finally allowed to leave that room, but not before asking what room she was in.

~

I stood outside her room and stared at the door, I knew that her parents were in there, I could hear her mum crying and her father whispering to her. I couldn't help but think that maybe I shouldn't go in there right now, her parents probably wanted to be alone with her, who knows what might happen next.

I was thinking this over as I stood there staring at the door of the room, but my decision was made for me when her father opened the door. His eyes widened when he saw me standing there and immediately invited me in, her mum beckoned me over to her. I went and sat down next to her and turned to look at the bed, her father said something about being back soon, but I couldn't hear him. My mind was too busy processing the way that my best friend currently looked, millions of tubes and wires all connected to different parts of her body. I had never seen her look so pale or fragile, she had always been the girl that was entirely head-strong, the girl that never let anything get to her, seeing her like this was like seeing a whole new side to her.

I hadn't even noticed that I had started crying, until her mum offered me a tissue.

~

It was a week later when it happened.

I was in her room, visiting her and reading her favourite book to her, just like I had been doing every afternoon for the past week. It was a romance book, I had never really liked them but she always had a soft spot for a totally cheesy romance book. She was leaning back against the pillows, laughing and smiling as I read out her favourite parts of the book. Her laugh was very quiet, raspy and didn't sound quite like a laugh, but I knew that she was laughing because that was always her response to the story.

Suddenly the machines in the room were going haywire, beeping and flashing frantically, I had no idea what to do, so I ran out into the hall and was calling for help. At least four different nurses ran into her room, each of them running around and shouting things at everyone. I stood just inside the doorway staring at the chaos in front of me, everyone seemed to have a place and a purpose so I became a bystander, just watching people in blue run around the room doing everything they could to help my best friend.

The machines kept on making noise or flashing as the nurses made them make more noise as they pressed various buttons frantically. Until suddenly they all stopped making noise except for one machine. It was making one long, constant sound that I really didn't want to hear accompanied by a long, flat green line.

I can't tell you exactly what happened next, all I can remember is sliding down the wall and seeing lots of blurry figures, I think someone was trying to talk to me at one point, but I can't be sure.

And that's how I lost her.