My best friend's in love with me.

Chrissy

'Is today a good day to die?'
This is a question I have been asking myself ever since the past one month.
Its funny how things can change in just a short amount of time.
I mean just ask yourself this, have you ever lost someone whom you really love? Wishing for a chance to go back in time just to make amendments?

Looking back, i began to wonder on how did i ever end up in this state. One month ago, my boyfriend, Alex ( MY FIRST LOVE) broke up with me. The guy whom i have been dating for almost 2 years. The guy whom i thought i was going to marry. Left me because his feelings faded. Its funny how the person who broke your heart is the only person who could save you. But sadly.. He didn't and left me all alone.
Days after we broke up, I received my results for my O level examination. When i thought that things could not get any worse, it did. Because turns out that i have failed. I dropped onto my knees and broke down. Looking at my results, i had no where to go. My friends all did really well and were able to go to the schools that they want.

I've never felt so alone in my life before.

You see, when i was dating my boyfriend, i had the tendency to put him first. As a result I left my friends... Or they left me. Now that he left.. I practically had no one there for me.

Every night, i'll wrapped myself up in a blanket in the corner of my room crying.
To be honest, i dont even know what was i crying for? Because i was not good enough for anyone? Or was it because I'm nothing but a failure? I locked myself up in the room because i did not want anyone to see me crying.. Especially my parents. But i guess they wouldn't either. Since they're cooped up at work all the times.
I began to have depression, talking to my teddy bears when i needed someone to talk to. I even found pleasure in cutting myself.
Why?
Because it turns my emotional pain to physical pain.

Days passed and I stopped eating and sleeping. I practically did nothing except wrapping myself up with my blanket and staring at the pictures that me and Alex took.

Wondering where did i go wrong..

The truth is.. I didn't like who i was at all. In my mind, i pictured myself as a successful person. But looking at the way i am right now.. HA, who am i even kidding. I'm practically a joke! While i'm in my room crying and trying to kill myself, my boyfriend must be out there, having a good time.

I began to grow distant from the world. Avoided people, locking myself in the room all day. My mum was asking me if i wanted to go back to school to retake my examinations but i told her no. For i have given up all hope on life.

Alex would have found a way through me because he's the only one that is able to talk  me out of anything. Even if I'm having the worse day of my life, a word from him would turn everything brighter. But he's not around this time. Instead, i'm fighting this battle alone..

One night, i decided to end it all. The feeling was too overwhelming for me to handle. It was too painful. I know many people will take suicide as the 'coward' way to end a problem. But you see.. The thoughts in our heads are like demons and they can be the scariest thing ever.

As i was sitting on a ledge, eight stories above ground, I decided to do the dumbest thing ever. I called Alex to bid goodbye.
I do admit that main reason that I called him was not really to say my farewell but there was a glimpse of hope in me, wishing he would come and save me out of this.

''WHAT?'' Alex was out with his friends when i called.

''Can't we ever get back together?'' I said

I heard Alex exhale and he hung up on me.

At that moment, i closed my eyes. I felt lonelier than ever. That was the last thing that killed me. I sit there crying loudly until my tears stop. And i know that its time for me to end it all.

Suddenly, there was a text on my phone..