You were mine once

Then and Now Chapter 24

Maybe I feel nothing. Maybe I feel everything. I knew we were bound to break apart from the beginning. Ask anyone close to me how I felt months ago. That never changed. It was nothing and as much as I would've loved to feel more, I can't. I was unhappy. I could tell you thought more of me. But there isn't. I loved being around you. But I couldn't be with you.

I still haven't told you the whole truth.  Well I never lied but it was probably your right to know. Oops. I guess I'm sorry. I just always felt you would judge me for everything I do. And you do all the time. You take everything to heart and you just cant be doing that. I hated telling you stuff. So I just didn't. It was selfish and I should've told you a lot more.

I never cried over you. I know I should've. But I never did. I mean you are all over my pictures and all everyone is talking to me about. I just never threw everything into you. I saved my self. And I'm still standing.

I don't know what I want. Maybe just less. Not a relationship cause I suck at those. I cant keep my hands to myself. Maybe someone more experienced. Maybe someone with way less experience. Like a quite child who likes to lay in the blankets while a party is in the kitchen. I don't want to hear the words ''I love you,'' because I don't want to have an investment in someones heart. Maybe I need some alone time with myself. I don't need a guy. But I feel so lonely. Always. I feel warmest in someone else's arms. But I haven't found the right ones yet. Ive found blankets and pillows but not a solid bed. And once I do, everything will come together and I will find the best night sleep.

I don't know what to do. Where should I go? I could go back to my old habits that would warmly great me with the burning sensation in my chest. It has always been there. Im slowly turning to go there. Or I could go somewhere else. I have no idea where it leads to but it could be somewhere great or nowhere at all. Im stuck at a yellow light. Unsure if I should hit the peddle and beat it out. Or slow down and stop. Im just wondering now. Where do I go now? God help me. So much to do but no where to go.  I don't like not knowing whats next.  But for once I need to trust it will all work out.