Dear, Manuel May 2015
It all started that Saturday in August. I fell for the way you thought and the way you saw the world. It was never about your looks. Or the nice car or the decent job that you had. Never. You knew that the world is a big cruel place yet you lived your life like you wanted to. You weren't afraid of death, you were afraid of life. You didn't care about what you did, as long as you were happy while doing it. The thing is, you weren't happy doing what you were doing and it hurt me to know it. It hurt me to see the sorrow in your eyes. It hurt to see how sleep deprived you were. Every time I saw you, the bags under your eyes seemed darker than before and I wanted to help you like you helped me.
As time passed you still seemed to be tired and stressed, but every time I saw you it was like we were the only two people there. Although you looked depressed, you always managed to force a small smile at me, but then it would turn into a look of sorrow. It was like you wanted me to find a way to help you. Like you wanted me to find a special way to pull you out of your own misery. For many days I wrecked my own brain trying to think of ways I could help you. Those days turned into weeks and then I realized that your misery was turning into mine.
I kept seeing you. I kept going to the place where I knew I would find you. You were always busy and polite. That day was the first time I saw you smile. A real big smile not one of those small smiles that you always used. No. This smile was big and it made your eyes light up. It made me really happy and I found myself smiling back at you because it was contagious. You took my order and I kept messing up, but you helped me fix it. That day was something else.
October came and so did more stress. Although we were both stressed everything seemed to be fine. That whole month we would follow each other around school, it became our habit. Then the last day of October came and something happened that caused us both to drift away from each other. That afternoon was where everything went tumbling down.
The first Monday in November was when it hit me. I was walking through the door and once you saw me you walked up the stairs. Usually I would've followed you, but I went the opposite way. Halfway through I stopped and looked back at you and saw that you were looking at me. We stood there. Then the bell rang and we went our separate ways. That's when I knew it was over. We rarely saw each other at school and I no longer went to the place you would be at.
December came and I heard that you had a girl friend. I was happy, but I was angry at myself for letting you go. It was all too much for me and I fell into depression. I was trapped in my own mind. My thoughts always lead to you. No matter how hard I tried, I always found myself thinking about you and it hurt. It hurt to know that you had found what you were looking for in someone else. And that someone wasn't me.
Months passed and I thought I was over you. It was early January and I could finally breathe again. Then my parents suggested that we go to that place. I didn't want to, but I couldn't decline. On our way there I was about to have an anxiety attack. So many months had passed and I didn't know what to think. When we finally got there I realized that I was being pathetic and that I needed to be brave.
Then I saw you and it broke my heart all over again. You had bags under your eyes and they seemed darker than they had ever been before. This time when we made eye contact everything seemed to freeze. You didn't smile at me. You just looked at me like you couldn't believe I was there. In reality, I couldn't believe I was there either. I had to break the eye contact because I couldn't take it.
Somebody took my order and I couldn't even concentrate because I could feel your eyes on me. I paid and waited for my food. Then the machine broke and you were the one making my milkshake. They told me I had to wait a couple of minutes and I thought I was going to pass out from all of the nerves. When the machine finally got fixed you started making the milkshake. I noticed that you were taking your time and I smiled. When you finished your co-worker offered to take the milkshake to me, but you ignored him and took the milkshake to me yourself.
Our fingers slightly touched and I felt all those unwanted feelings hit me. I stuttered a quiet "thank you" and despite all the noise you somehow heard it. You nodded and replied a quiet "you're welcome". I looked at you one last time before I walked away.
January ended and I didn't see you. February passed like a blur and there was no sign of you. Word came around that you and your girl friend broke up. Instead of being happy I felt worried. Were you sad? Were you angry? Were you lost in your own mind? I never knew.
It was late March when I saw you again. You were wearing that god damn jersey that looked so good on you. And your hair was a little longer than usual but I've always loved it that way. I was upstairs while you were downstairs. For some reason you looked up and you saw me looking at you. You gave me a shy smile and you looked back down at your friend who was talking to you. I felt relieved and happy because you looked alive.
It is now May and you no longer works at the place you were always at. I see you driving around school in that nice car of yours. It makes me happy knowing that you're out there being happy. In a weird twisted way, your happiness was always more important than mine. I always claim to say that I'm over you, but I know that I'll never be. It's okay because despite everything that has happened these past few months you're still my favorite song. That Saturday in August is something I will always hold on to.
We were the most misunderstood people in the world, but we understood each other perfectly.
Your Truly, I will never stop waiting...
