Social Anxiety

First Time

Social Anxiety.

A chronic mental health condition in which social interactions cause irrational anxiety.

This is the phrase that has taken ahold of my entire life.

I was about 11 or 12 when I first realized I had a social problem. Problem was I didn't know what was wrong with me. I didn't want to tell my family or my friends.

I was too embarrassed.

I was lost.

It got worse when I went into the 7th grade. I moved away from my best friend and I was going to this very rich school in Forney Texas. That was actually one of the worst schools that I have ever been to. And that actually makes me sad because I have always wanted to learn but not in such a poisons environment. I was starting to not talk at all. A lot was going on in the 7th grade. I then began to realize I was fat.

I started to learn that I wasn't as perfect as my mom thought I was. Then I started seeing how the social world worked and I was not impressed what so ever. I used to makeup stories about having boyfriends and having my first kiss when I was in the 8th grade. I lied to my closest friends and family, just so I wouldn't seem lame.

The first time I had an Anxiety Attack was in the 7th grade on the first day of school. I didn't realize thats what it was until now. A couple of girls got their guy friends to walk by me and casually "cough/say" disrespectful words to me. Most of the phrases were about my weight. And the saddest part about it was, I hadn't said one word to them. Most of the class started laughing at me.

After they kept saying that stuff I started to panic and my teacher came up to me asking what was wrong and I just ran out of the room and into the girls bathroom. I think I started sobbing and when I was crying it was like I couldn't breath at all. It felt like I was under water and someone was dragging me down. My entire chest was suffocating and I couldn't seem to calm down. I think I skipped my next class period because I still wasn't calmed down.

I will never forget that story.

I will never forget the first time I had an Anxiety Attack.

I will never forget the first time I felt so depressed.

I started to become depressed in the same time as well. I got to the point where I started to cut my wrist. Sometimes I would even choke myself until I would almost pass out. Cutting wasn't a thing I wanted. depression wasn't a thing I wanted. And Social Anxiety wasn't something I wanted either. None of these things I have are 'glamorous' or 'cool'. I hated myself.

I was really good at hiding it though. I would wear a whole bunch of rubber bands or long sleeve shirts. Even in the summer. I would say it was some type of rash or some type of scratch if someone asked me about it. I was too embarrassed to tell the truth, too scared of what they might say to me.

Social Anxiety still haunts me to this day. I freak out if I have to talk to someone on the phone that I don't know. I hate drive throughs or ordering my own food anywhere. Public speaking is Hell. I get nervous to even speak to other people. I have the 'chronic bitch face' apparently. I don't mean to look mean, I'm just resting my face. It takes me so much courage to even have a small conversation with anyone. Theres more to me than my silence. I promise. I just get really nervous. I even get Anxiety talking to my closest friends. I'm scared I'm always bothering them. I'm scared I'm annoying.

The 9th grade was rough. I got a boyfriend, but I didn't realize what a complete ass he was. He was my first kiss and my first real boyfriend. After 2 months of dating, I lost my virginity to him. We started saying "I love you" after 4 weeks of dating. I wasn't in love. I was lost in the fact that he thought I was beautiful. I was in love with the idea of someone loving me. I was so obsessed with finding someone to love me because I couldn't love myself. I will admit I fell for him. But that was later on.

I remember he was really clingy and didn't want me to always hang out with my friends. And of course I listened, I never thought about myself. I just thought about him. I lost so many people I loved and cared about because of this guy. Because of one guy, I lost people that actually cared about me. I said things I wish I never had said. I have apologized to so many people.

When my mom found out I had been having sex, she took me to the ER to see if I was pregnant. Before the ER I blurted out that I had felt depressed and I wanted to kill myself before and I use to cut myself. I told her everything. I regretted it right after it came out of my mouth. When we went to the hospital she even had some person come and talk to me about my 'feelings'. Well thats the women who got me put into a mental hospital.

It was one of the scariest moments of my life. I think I only slept when we were supposed to be participating in some group activities. I had one picture of my friends.

I think the only time I was actually happy is when I saw my best friend. It was like a small crack of hope when I saw her.

The people in there just couldn't except I was ok. I was crazy. At least thats what I thought. I remember I was sobbing when one of the nurses was 'giving me therapy'. She just didn't care. She seemed bored. All she did was ask why I was crying. It was so stupid. She didn't care.

I remember when my mom came up there for the first time I was so mad at her because I wanted her to bring my boyfriend up there to see me. She looked so hurt when she saw I didn't even care she was there. I will never forget the look on her face. She looked like I just killed her. And I didn't care.

I played the victim whenever I was with that guy. I made it seem like I was trying but I wasn't. I was a horrible friend and a horrible daughter. I didn't deserve them. I lost an amazing friend because of one guy. 

I lost myself even more. 

I was hopeless and wanted to die. 

I was with that guy for 1 year. I wasted an entire year on some guy. When I finally broke up with him. He got with a girl, one week after I broke up with him. Then he broke up with her because she wouldn't put out. 

How could someone say they love you, yet treat you like shit and do something like this to you? I think I cried for about 3 days straight. I stalked him on social media because I wasn't over it. I wasn't over the fact that he was begging me to stay with him yet he was already in a new relationship. I hated myself even more before when I wasn't with him. 

I actually believed I was worthless. I believed if someone couldn't love me then I couldn't love myself. 

I had another anxiety attack after I broke up with him. He started making rumors that he broke up with me because I was cheating on him with my guy friend. I couldn't breath because some people actually believed him. He made me feel so worthless and so alone. I was so close to getting that razor from my eyeliner sharpener and using it. I wanted to. But I knew he wasn't worth it.

My first time. First time for an Anxiety Attack. First time kiss. First time Sex. First time cutting. First time breaking up. My first time.