"We're done."
Iyan ang mga huling salitang binitiwan niya ng huli kaming nagkita. Hindi ko alam kung nasaan na siya ngayon, basta ang alam ko iniwan niya ako. She left me clueless, kung anong mali ang nagawa ko para bitawan niya ako ng basta-basta.
Napahilot ako sa sintido ko habang nakatingin sa pulang ilaw, umaasang sana ay mas mabilis ang pagpalit nito ng kulay. Pula. Iyang ang huling kulay na nakita ko sa kanya, ang pula niyang labi na dumampi sa labi ko. Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga, 3 taon na ang lumipas pero bakit hindi ko siya magawang kalimutan.
Pumuntig ang sakit na nararamdaman ko, kailangan ko munang magstop over kahit saan ng mahimas-masan ako. So I did. I stopped by a coffee shop, it was cozy and comfy. Agad akong pumunta sa counter. Ang sakit na nararamdaman ko kanina ay tila parang panandaliang nawala.
She was there, she was right there smiling at me.
"May I take you're order?"
**
I runaway, I didn't want to see her. She's a nightmare I didn't want to have. Last night bago ako matulog I told myself how everything about me and her was gone. Hindi ako nakatulog. God this is driving me crazy. I took another drive, hoping I'd find peace of mind.
Pero pakiramdam ko mas lalong nawala ang concentration ko ng madaanan ko ang coffeeshop na pinagtatrabahu-an niya. She sat at the bench outside, tracing her fingers through the sunlight. I was lucky wala masyadong dumadaang sasakyan ngayon, if not baka napamura na ako sa dami ng pindot ng bawat driver sa likuran ko.
I missed her.
And that for sure is an honesty I can't deny.
**
I met an accident. Nasa hospital ako ngayon, ginagamot nila ang sugat na natamo ko after I land straight to the ground while riding my motor bike. It was all done, nakaupo ako roon at iniisip na naman siya. And for a second there I thought I was dreaming. She's here. But with hospital gown and there's a nurse assisting her.
"Hey!" I called. She looked back.
"You're here!..." she hugged me. "God I missed you. You grew up!..." she let go. Touched my face. She invited me into her room, we've lost the words we've known.
"What happened. Why?"
"Will you be able to love someone who's going to die?"
"For god's sake we're all going to die!"
"We are" and we were silent.
"Why?" I said.
"I'm dying, soon." she said
"What?!"
"Leukemia. I'm sorry."
"God do you even have any idea what you've caused me?!..." I shouted at the top of my lungs. "...you ruined me, broke me... and you'll tell me you're sorry?!! That's just bullshit!" I almost roared at her.
"I know. I was weak, stupid. But believe me I love you. And I came this far enough just to tell you that. And that if I'd live again, I'd look for you and show you how regretful I am for not spending my remaining breath with you... there are circumstances in life where what we choose is either a reward or punishment, and trust me this is my punishment for not letting you fight for me, for not letting you fight with me, and for us seeing each other on my last days. Trust me I love you, and will always be. And I'm sorry. Because I was stupid, stupid for being so afraid to hurt you."
I was speechless. Lost of words. All synonyms of it. I walked out. I left the room, and slowly walked out. I can't think straight. And the next thing I knew was there were doctors and nurses running past me. I looked back and I saw them enter her room. And I was so afraid she could have really left.
