Don't tell mummy.

"NO. Daddy! Please. NO!"... He left me. He left me crying by myself in my room, on my bed. The same place that everything had started. Why? He's never done that before. Whats wrong with daddy?... "Shh", he had said. "Don't tell mummy"... It had hurt. A lot. My clothes were still lying on the floor. In shreds. The same place they had landed. The sheets were still crumpled up. At the end of the bed. The same place they'd been left when daddy had done what he'd done.

I was nine.. stupid and dumb even to understand what rape was. I never did tell my mum. I couldn't and I never can. Not even six years after I was nine. I'm fifteen now. I still have vivid dreams of what happened. When I was fourteen, I moved in with my friend Kathy. We were so close and I told her everything.. back to that day and beyond. We're still like sisters now. But its different. We have secrets that have to be kept locked away in the back of our brains safely kept in the locker for dark secrets.. I don't know what happened to my mum.. one day she was there then the next she disappeared like a puff of smoke.. I think he murdered her. It was either forced suicide or murder. I'd suspect the latter. I'm in secondary school now. I have been for three years. Almost four. I passed my GCSE's without any support from my family. Of course. I have none that I know of. And I'm edging for a job in Art. My teacher always praises me on how good I am and that my parents must certainly be proud. I just sit there and think. If only you knew. Its annoying too when all of the girls complain how hard their life is and that she said that I said that you said t- blah blah blah. And oh my word. My dad only gave me fifty quid to go shopping whenever I asked for one hundred.. They fall out over the most stupid of things. And did they ever stop to think that there's a girl among them who's dad raped at the age of nine? Of course they didn't. Because they're to wrapped up in their silly, petty lives to care about anyone else a leauge below them. I'm not the only kid that grew up this way. I'm sure of it. Maybe the kids in eighth year didn't get a mark in a test or something. But I know that there is other kids out there like me. Every morning I wake up and think wow isn't it wonderful to be living in this shit hole? I've been suicidal before. I've stood on that chair with that rope. I've stood on that edge of that cliff. But somewhere deep inside of me is screaming at me not to do it. I don't know if its just nerves or if its my gut telling me I could make it somewhere in life.. But, I really don't think so. 

The Sweeny's are lucky bastards. They just came running into the classroom. With a bastard Ipad.... each. The only downside is that they're all snobby arseholes. The type of arseholes you just want to rip the head off, spit roast it and feed it to them... if that's physically possible considering the fact that their mouths are attached to their heads which was Detached from their body's... in my dreamworld of happy things.. 

There's this boy I like.. He's called Jordan. Only problem is he's going out with one of those skinny bastard Sweeny's.. Rachel to be precise. Blondie bimbo.. She's the snobbiest bitch you'll probably ever know. Always has to be right. Sucks up to the teachers. Gets her own way. I don't even think he likes her.. its just cause shes popular and he's well in between popular and a complete loser like me.. We've never talked. But his voice is.. oh! Rachel was doing her wiggly arse walk over to me. Be prepared for the bomb Cassie.

 "Hi Cassie"

Eugh.

"Go away Rachel, I couldn't be bothered with your bitchy attitude"

"I wasn't gonna be bitchy, just thought I'd come over and tell you that Jordan's taking me to the school dance" retorted Rachel

Yeah, and that's not bitchy at all..

"And I wanted to know that, why?"

"Everyone knows you like him"

Its been ages, right? I mean pull your head out of your arse, it's not a hat.

"We are now finished this conversation goodbye!"

Walking away, walking away..

"Everyone knows" Rachel called after me as I hurried out of the classroom. 

Yeah, so the school dance is on next week. Oh and nobody's asked me to go, what a surprise! I don't care. Even though Kathy has a date, I still don't care. She's all for it. I'm just, err. It's a school dance? Big woop..  No wait. I lied. I actually do care. Everyone's going and I'm not. 

"Hey, Cas!"

"Oh, hey Kathy!" 

"You got a date yet?" 

Why does she have to keep asking me this? I would be on the ceiling if I had..

"No, do you?"

I was being sarcastic, obviously I knew because she's my best friend that she already had.

"Yeah?" I've told you like one million trillion times"..

Retorical question. But hey! Its Kathy..

"I know bu-..

"Gotta go, hey! Tell me later. I'll be all eyes and ears!"

She dashed off down the hall. Oh crap, physics next. Ah to the heck with it. I'll get this over and done with. Can't live anymore. Can't take it. Can't say goodbye. I slowly, quietly walked down to the girls toilets. I put my bag on the floor, locked the door and took out the already noused rope from my school bag. There was a pipe just above the toilet seat. I stepped up onto the toilet seat. Steading myself on the wall. I used the pipe to tie the rope on, shuffled the rope over so it was past the toilet seat. I sighed. Put the rope round my neck and said goodbye to the people I had grown to love. I said hello to the people I had grown to hate. I cried. I had second thoughts.Decided to do it. Needed to do it. I wrote my suicide note on the wall and jumped.