The Bad Boys Secret [Cameron Dallas fanfic]

Chapter 41 - Same probelm and same guy.

I don't think you realise how much you miss someone until morning. Before dawn, before the sun comes up, before the sky gets lighter. It's when it's still dark, like night time but it's actually morning. The stars are awake, the moon is alive, the dark sky is sharpening and your brain is working. It's when you're laying in bed at about 1am or perhaps 2am in the morning and you're just staring up at the blank ceiling you have above your bed. You lay and you stare at it, focusing on one part. You're actually not looking at anything particular but however in your mind you actually are. At this time, this 1am or 2am time, you're so tired your mind is working hard and your eyes start playing tricks. You're laying there watching things happen. Scenarios that won't ever happen. Scenarios with that one person that you were so close to getting but then they were gone. That person you were so close with or were getting to know, and then suddenly you stopped talking. But see, I don't get this part. This is the part that confuses me, making my brain think and work even more. I don't get how you can just stop. How suddenly you can just stop talking to someone for no particular reason.

So as I sit on the roof of my house, at four in the morning, watching the sun rising slowly, and the sky going an orange pink colour that makes me feel rather warm inside. But as I sit here, I think of all sorts of possibilities, and thinking about how things could be different if I did this and didn't do that.

One thing that's replaying in my mind is Katie.
I miss her. I miss the way we would laugh all day until we would physically, literally pee ourselves. I miss when we would cry together. I miss when we would gossip together. I miss being able to have a really deep meaningful conversation but straight afterwards, we could end up in a laughing fit. I miss being able to tell her absolutely everything without worrying I'd be judged. I miss being able to just walk straight into each other's houses as if they were our own. I miss your family. I miss dinner times together. I miss adventuring together. I miss trying new things together. I miss listening to each other. I miss taking photos together. I miss being able to belt out songs randomly. I miss dancing around together like we had no care in the world. I miss being confident together. I miss sharing embarrassing moments together. I miss sharing each other's clothes. I miss giving each other advice. I miss sleeping at each other's houses twenty four seven. I miss hugging her. I just over all really miss her. Because now, all I'm left with is memories, and a heart longing her back. But it sucks missing her, but not being able to do anything about it, because time passes on, and people change. There's not a day that goes by, where I don't think of her.

Have you ever sat there and thought I miss you, I miss them. Just randomly miss that one person you use to be so close with but they're gone and it won't be the same again. That's it, life has changed and there's no turning back. You find your self looking through old photos and your eyes starting stinging, throat starts throbbing and your heart sinks a little at each memory. You hold back them tears but you remember one cute moment in every detail and suddenly you find your self sitting there staring at the wall with tears in your eyes and your lip shaking with sadness. You go towards the mirror and see the mess you look and you can't help but break down into pieces and wipe away the tears sprinting down your face. But you give up because you're just that low you let them fall everywhere you go, leaving a trail of sadness with you as you walk on by and try to take your mind off it. But you can't.

"Hey," I hear a soft voice say behind me. I turn around and see Katie sat a few inches away from me on the roof. I look at her and I all I feel is emptiness. I feel so numb and I've felt like this for so long that I don't even think I have feelings or emotions anymore.
"Hi," I whisper in a hoarse, because that's all I can actually manage. She crawls over to by side, wearing her panda onesie, and me in Cameron's old black sweater and shorts. We sit there in silence for a while because we both need each other's company, and seeing as we aren't use to being with each other we need time; do we need time? Time. Time is a thief. Time passes, memories fade, feelings change, people leave but hearts never forget.
"We need to talk really don't we?" She says staring ahead of her at the strawberry milkshake sky. I close my eyes and open them immediately before my thoughts start creating images and then my mind starts playing tricks.
"About Cameron. I just wanna say, I'm sorry for pretending I didn't understand and I wasn't there for you, it was a bad move I know. I'm sorry for not chasing after you. I'm sorry for being such a shit person really," she says with tears in her eyes. But the word that stood out like a knife for me was 'pretending'. What does she mean she pretended she didn't understand? She turns her body around and faces me, and I twist my body a little more towards her and we make eye contact for a solid minute, and we just stare at the pain in each other's eyes. The hurt and fear in each other's eyes.
"Cameron and I had a past Al. We were a couple. We were boyfriend and girlfriend, and my feelings for him were insanely strong. He became my world in just a few weeks, and months went by and my heart grew bigger and I didn't think that I could love anyone more than I loved him. If I didn't see him for a day, I'd feel hurt and like I hadn't seen him for a year. When I was with him, my heart was content and fulfilled with love and happiness. My knees would always treble like jelly, and his touch would leave fireworks. There wasn't really enough words in the human language to describe my love for Cameron, because he just meant everything to me. I was doing things I shouldn't because I know that he would like it. I was good girl but bad for him, and he was a bad boy but good for me. We both became one. Life was amazing and had never been better, he was a reason for me to smile every day. He was the love of my life; my soul mate. So imagine how I felt when I walked in on him with my 'best friend' at the time... My stomach dropped and my chest caved in. He gave her the same looks that he gave to me. Every bridge I ever built just got knocked down. I thought my life was over, and I was just ready to go because I had no purpose. I had no reason to live without him in my life because he was the light of it. Once the light was gone, I was left in the shadows and in the darkness, scavenging  for a little source of light..." I saw the memories in her eyes and her face frozen staring at her hands as if they still held him. Her eyes just pouring out a river, and she looked so numb; she looks how I feel. Her voice cracking as she continues, but you can tell she's trying to hold on,
"But I soldiered on putting on a brave face. I moved away, came here hoping for a new start. But hey, look who had to come and visit, Cameron. This is why I hated to hear you talk about him because I didn't want to listen because you were once me. The thing is babe, you never really move on. People will constantly tell you that eventually you will, but honestly you won't. You will eventually learn to live without them, but you won't move on because once someone becomes so important, you can't just drop them like a hat. It's unfair and it sucks, but the memories stick there forever."

***

I guess you could say that once Katie told me how she really felt and how he really crushed her. How he built a bridge with her and just let it collapse leaving her heartless and breathless underneath. I understand her pain and love because it's how I feel now. But, can I move on like she did?

((( Nearly the end of the book guys.. Only a few chapters left to go...)))