It all started when I was young. Crawling through the Abyss of my mind and fighting what was inside of it. I knew I was alone and that the world was a cold, brutal place of which I couldn't escape. I also knew life wasn't worth living, but it wasn't worth escaping either. Thus this story being a tirade of sadness, a long drawn out tale of sad ending in suicide, and this is how it is going to be.
Is the thought of suicide predominant in my genetics? The thought of this has crossed my mind, but I more believe that it is an acquired thing throughout this life. I acquired this life-thought throughout my life, through my stepfather, mother and life experiences. Why live when the only human beings you have to look up to don't even want to live themselves? Why live when all you see there is in the future for you is nothing? I want to die, and that's how it has become in the course of these years. It has been lonely and I want to die. Of course though I want to die with honor, and there is no honor in suicide. So in this I will recite my day to day tales with flashbacks in between as they come and go.
It is July 2nd and I have just come home from my friends house from a sleepover. It was very nice not having to be alone at home. Sometimes I do get very lonely with no-one but my family for company. They aren't very good company to begin with, with the constant droning about how their lives stink. I have heard it a million times and it is starting to get tiresome. Very tiresome. Anywho I then went shopping with my mother afterwards and bought groceries, I got a brand of sunscreen I like due to the smell. I was happy. Eventually we got home and I had gotten a phone call from one of my close friends Eric, I hadn't seen him much because of the fact that he had just left his foster home. He asked to stay the night. My parents had to have a long talk with him, but eventually agreed to the matter. We worked on making him a resume and later in the night we watch an American pie movie, on seperate chairs, respectively. Eventually came bedtime and we said goodnight and went to sleep in the god awful heat in this trailer.
It is July 3rd, Eric and I left the house to go in to town at 10 am, we ended up getting subway along the way. I got a cookie, he got a sub and a drink and two cookies, fatty bastard. We then went up to near our highschool and waiting for the bus. We got in to town, and the first place we went was to tim hortons, a canadian coffee shop sort of place. Super popular, and waiting for our friend Haley. She came, we walked up to the library and waited for our other friends, Seren and Wildon, who are dating. I took out some graphic novels. We then decided to leave because we thought Seren and Wildon weren't coming so we sat on the steps and ran in to a couple of people we knew. Eventually Haley and I caught the bus back to near the school and her mother picked us up from the Subway. We went back to where we live and sat in my yard for a bit, eventually she went home because she had things to do. I gave her the number to a place that was looking for someone to hire. I believe she got the job. Later in the day I talked to Sam W. for about 3 hours. We get along quite well. Both of us are malevolent. I am excited to go to Kansas later this summer.
I wished I was dead again today. It is July 4. I slept in late. Did little. Bought my Kansas ticket then thought of the issues after it was too late to take it back. Had flashbacks to last year. Last summer. Too much to talk about, tried to write a flashback segment but ended up crying. I lost what ever I had in Kansas last summer. I will never have it again. I need to give up. I thought I moved on, but obviously I was very very wrong. Not that anyone really cares to try for me again, I'm too fucked up and changing too much. Its easier to find someone stable. I may cut tonight, I deserve it.
one-ninteen-am july 5
i tried to kill myself again. I didn't though. Izzy kept texting me not to, but I don't care anymore. Lost him already, he won't love me. He has another girl. Oh well, everyone will move on move on move on. I'll be 6ft under the dirt. What a sad story, not really, so many people have it worse. I'm just a stupid attention seeking teenage girl.
one-thirty-one am july 5
i am sad but they won't stop talking. words won't keep me alive. words won't stop the sad, too many words started the sad, how many words does it take to stop the sad.
