Chapter 1
There is a boy who catches my bus who has bluey-grey eyes as clear as the lake the kids go swimming in. He sits with his friends and laughs a lot at little things. When his friends are silent he looks out of the window. I sit two seats behind him and I think he is beautiful.
Nathan’s one of those popular boys who aren’t mean but they’re funny so everyone loves them. I sit next to him in maths which creates a good excuse to talk to him as I have no idea what on earth I’m doing along with about 90% of the class. But Nathan isn’t in that 90%, he’s special – he gets it. “OK Hannah” he says as he explains for the billionth time something I will never understand. “You have to half this number before you can multiply it with this number.” There’s no point in asking again, I’ll only get the same answer. “I think I understand now” I say as I reach for my pen. “Thanks, Nath” And then we’re silent for a while. I haven’t written anything and Mr Crossan, my maths teacher, hates me so he won’t help. I risk a glance at Nathan whose stopped writing and is staring at the wall. I won’t interrupt him – who knows what goes on in a boy’s head? So I turn my attention somewhere else. The window – let’s see whose outside. Oh wait, no one, it’s raining. I don’t understand why people detest the rain. I’m sure people would detest the sun if it was here all the time. I know I would. “I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to rain in April” Nathan says. He’s not looking at the wall anymore. He’s looking at me and I am looking at him. I like being at collage, my school uniform made me look hideous. “April showers” I murmur as I turn back to the blank sheet of paper in front of me.
At break time I stand with Carrie. She’s my best friend and I always stand with her. “Are you going to your Dad’s or John’s house tonight?” She asks me as I devour the last of my chocolate bar. “I’m going to Dad M. tonight so I’ll be walking with you.” I hate it when Carrie refers to Dad J. as “John” I don’t care if I’m not biologically his, he raised me as well as Dad Mathew before they broke up and I love them both the same. The bell goes. “Meet me at the main entrance at the end of the day. Love you” Carrie says as she becomes another water droplet in the sea of students heading away from me. I’ve got PE next and we’re doing rounders. I’m seriously considering hiding in the toilets until it’s all over. When I reach the corridor of the nearest toilets I see Nathan talking to Mr Daley, the swimming teacher. Well Mr Daley is talking to Nathan and Nathan is stood emotionless staring at the wall. I’ll turn around and go to PE.
Chapter 2
There is a boy who catches my bus who acts happy every morning from 7am. He sits with his friends and gives them empty smiles and wears long sleeves even in the middle of summer. I sit two seats behind him and I think he is beautiful.
“How the hell can you still be wearing that hoodie its 24 degrees out there?!” I say as we sit down for maths class. “The weather doesn’t affect me” He gets out his pens and sits in silence waiting for Mr Crossan. He looks tired. He looks thin. “I can’t believe it’s July already” I say. “What are you doing over the summer?” He opens his mouth but then pauses. He looks like he’s deciding whether he should say it or not. Whatever “it” may be. Finally he settles for “seeing my parents” That’s strange, I didn’t know he lived away from them. “Oh good” I’m not sure what else to say. He looks at me, turns in his chair and says with a lazy smile “So Miss Hannah, what are you doing over the summer?” I tell him all about where I’m going and who I’m going with. He listens intently and doesn’t cringe when I mention my two Dads like the others do. When Mr Crossan walks in and asks for Nathan his smile fades and he drags himself slowly to the doorframe where Mr Daley is talking on the radio. When he comes back 20 minutes later I say “I need a Maths tutor”
Chapter 3
There is a boy who catches my bus who has bluey-grey eyes as empty as the lake the kids go swimming in, in winter. He sits with his friends and stares at his lap. When his friends say something funny he doesn’t laugh anymore. I sit two seats behind him and I think he is beautiful.
“God, your house is so big!” I say as I step through the porch and into the kitchen. “As if you live here all on your own” Nathan looks proud, then sad. “It gets lonely” he says locking the door. “I miss human voices sometimes” It’s in polite of me to do so but I really want to see how big this house it so I run from room to room transferring from tiles to carpets and up the stairs. When I hit the landing I stop. When I hear him behind me I slowly turn around. “You have a gun in your house” I say. A statement, not a question. Nathan smiles slowly “it’s not my house Hannah it’s my parents. It’s also not my gun” Nice try. “But they don’t live here” I say. I’m scared now. “No” He says “They do, but they’ve been away for two years in America. They’re coming back in a few days’ time” He doesn’t live away from them. They live away from him. Three hours later of understanding nothing more about maths I head home. I’ll see him again soon. I’m sure.
Chapter 4
Dear Hannah,
This will be brief. I think it’s important to let you know the day you came over to my house was the last good day. Thank you.
I haven’t done this because of you. I haven’t done this because of anyone. I’m not God I can’t change the stars and I don’t know if there’s life on other planets. But I know we hurt people that we love and those who care for us. I wish I could bubble wrap your heart to stop you from breaking apart. But it’s impossible. People are people and sometimes nothing seems right. I know you imagined it would never end like this. I know it’s never simple, never easy and never a clean break. They’ll be no one there to help you out. No one there to save you. But don’t be weak. Don’t tell your children the planet is rotting. Show them lovely things. Be a giant for them even though your fathers never could be for you. I’ve told my Mum via note I want to be buried in Nightingale Park and not cremated. Come to my funeral, get drunk, spend all the money I owned. I won’t be needing it now. And after that, when days have gone by, keep an eye out for me. I might write on the steam in the mirror when you’re having a shower, or play with the leaves on the apple tree when you’re sat out in your garden. I might slip into a dream. Visit my grave, but don’t kick yourself if you can’t or if you move house and it’s suddenly too far away. It looks pretty there in the summer. You could bring a picnic and sit with me. I’d like that. Oh and one more thing: I think you are beautiful.
Love Forever, Nathan
After I finish reading it out his mother just stands there, on the doorstep of his house I last left smiling. “Why did this happen?” I say. I don’t care if she’s hurt. I want an explanation. But she can’t answer. Of course she can’t, she’s crying. I rush past her and run up the stairs like a monkey, like I used to do when I was younger, and crash into Nathan’s room. It’s so cold and empty. The bloodstains are still in the carpet. I look up and whisper “Why did this happen?”
A bird flies low over the strawberry patch at the bottom of his garden. It doesn’t hesitate in quickly plucking one from its leaves before souring off into the distance. Let him go.
I climb into his bed, wrap myself in his covers and breathe in this sent. I will never smell this again. Crying hurts, it’s given me a headache. Let him go, Hannah, just let him go.
There was a boy who caught my bus who was found by his parents after he had shot himself. He wrote a letter to his friends and told them that he loved them. He wrote a letter to his parents saying sorry.
And he wrote a letter to the sad girl who sat two seats behind him on the bus and told her that he thought she was beautiful.
