Chapter 1
NANCY
I woke up on a crisp morning in the bustling city that is my home town, Zion. Since me and my family are Mormon we were persecuted in the east of America and forced to flee to Zion, more commonly known as Salt Lake City. I travelled with my husband- Joseph Henry- his other wives and our 24 children.
'Nancy baby wheres my breakfast?!' Screeched Joseph from the other side of the prairie schooner, it was only 5 foot long yet he still insisted that we would not be able to hear him from the other side if he did not shout- his massive cheekbones probably deflect most sound waves from reaching his ears. I rolled out of bed and hit the floor but my stomach (loosened from all of my pregnancies) helped my to bounce back to my feet without much effort. I shuffled to the stove and lit a pan of water to boil some buffalo hooves in for Joseph and Hyrum's lunch, it was their favourite. For Joseph's breakfast I had the mundane task of pouring him a bowl of rice crispies, he liked the way they popped in his cheeks. I placed the bowl on the table and shoved it in his direction.
'You know Joseph, we escaped persecution in the east only to be mocked in the west. Our children get bullied about us being the only ones in Zion not to live in a golden house, it is the city of God and we disgrace it by continuing to live in our prairie schooners! Building a house could mean that off of that could stop! we could lead normal lives! and I bet those two girls Teegan and Tobina would stop making fun of you for your cheekbones and love of wild buffalo as well!' Suddenly his face lit up. 'You see my point?' I asked him, satisfied that my message had, this time, gotten through.
'They're like popping candy... but not...' He giggled to himself as I realised he had not listened to a word I had said but been consumed by his rice crispies. I threw my wig off of my head and onto the table before storming outside. It was a cloudy, dark day but I could still see them slowly creeping up on us, Teegan and Tobina. They were coming to yet again ruin our day, but this time there were three of them. As they got closer I could see that the one we call Teegan had something around her arm... Ronnie Radake. NO! Not Ronnie! He has come to murder us... again!
'JOSEPH! CHILDREN!' I screamed and they all poked their heads out of the prairie schooner. They looked around for a second before noticing Ronnie who was now running towards us at full speed shouting about how he was going to break our necks. Everyone in the prairie schooner let out a unanimous high pitched squeal and emerged, pots and pans in hand to fight the one named Ronnie.
'You'll never win Ronnie!' Screamed Hyrum, throwing a wooden spoon which hit Teegan on the head. She burst into tears and curled up into a ball in the middle of the street. Joseph let out a deafening laugh and threw his arms into the air. Ronnie let out a scream and began to sprint at insane speeds, waving his arms in the air like a mad man.
'Never hurt my girlfriend!' He screeched.
'But aren't you a woman beater?' I asked.
'Well... yes but... It's different when I do it!' He quickly made up and threw his black scarf at us. His tattoo on the side of his head was glistening with grease from his hair spread over it. It was truly mesmerising and hypnotised us all. We could do nothing as he sped past us and threw eggs at our prairie schooner. He giggled to himself and left, only then could we think about anything other than his glistening head.
'MY HOME!!!' Joseph cried, running up to the schooner and falling to his knees in tears.
'HA! That'll teach you to not build a golden house!' Tobina shouted and both her and Teegan laughed.
'Go away you pongwhores!' Hyrum shouted which made them laugh even harder. Teegan had tears running down her face.
'At least we're not pongafiles!' They laughed and threw the wooden spoon back to us. Suddenly at that second our great friend Connell Connell flew out of the sky. They saw him flying down, using his cape to glide like a flying squirrel, and quickly fled from our yard gate and down the street. We all cheered for Connell Connell.
'Wow Connell Connell where did you get that cape?' Asked Joseph as he finally stopped crying over the eggs on the prairie schooner.
Connell Connell looked for the ticket on it. 'I don't know it just says 'Made by Mormons'' He shrugged.
'Come Connell Connell, let's celebrate our victory over the pongwhores!' Hyrum shouted and we all cheered. Hopefully this would be a sign to Joseph to build us a house...
(ALL ABOVE HAS BEEN ROUGHLY TRANSLATED FROM THE WORDS OF NANCY AS SHE SPEAKS IN AN ACCENT IMPOSSIBLE TO UNDERSTAND)
TEEGAN
As I neared my house I could hear the distinct shouting of my boyfriend Ronnie. Ahhhh Ronnie... How one person can be so beautiful and greasy is a mystery to me. But I love my baby Ronnie!
As Tobina and I neared closer to the house I noticed a few cars that I did not recognise. We shared a look of concern and quickly ran through the door. Inside we could see a team of the greatest rock stars in existence. They were sat in a circle around the table which was full of plans and pictures of the pongafile Byington family and their prairie schooner.
'...And that is how we will defeat the pongafiles.' Said Ronnie in his commanding voice, this excited me so much that I could not contain myself and jumped onto him. Tobina coughed which brought me back into the room and I stood up and freed Ronnie. 'What did you do that for woman?!' He asked angrily and threw me into a cage designed for the boy, Hyrum. This was the first time I got to actually see who was here. Chris Motionless sat closest to the door, ready to quickly leave if he needed to as he had only just recently sided with us and was always contemplating joining with the pongafiles again. Next was Marylin Manson, Chris Miller, Jack Barakat, Andy Biersack, Vic Fuentes, Austin Carlile, Ashley Purdy, Sam McTrusty and finally Olly Sykes, the man with the earlobes. When I finally finished gawking over Olly's mystifying saggy ear lobes I realised that this was a proper dream team, lead by my boyfriend, the amazing Ronnie Radake.
'We should be called The Dream Team.' I whispered.
'What?!' Said Ronnie, I must have angered him even more by interrupting him.
'We should call ourselves The Dream Team!' I shouted and I saw them all nod. Ronnie began to laugh, his fat lumpy stomach shaking till it looked like a water balloon.
'Are we all agreed on the name team?' Ronnie asked, causing them to unanimously shout 'YES MASTER' and bow at his feet. No way could the Byington pongafiles and their eggy prairie schooner survive this...
