When your young you feel untouchable that no harm will ever come to you. You believe everything you hold closest to you will last forever. You begin believing your parents will never age, never die and that you will forever be a child in their arms. In my eyes the world was a place that everyone was nice and everything was perfect. Not until my father’s death did my world shattered. Being a child was much easier than having to grow to face a life without my father.
There are no words that describe how special he was in my life. In my eyes he was perfect and I was so proud that he was my daddy. I wanted to be just like him and did everything he wanted. I just wanted him to be proud of me. He was more than just my father in my eyes he was my best friend. He was the man that I couldn’t help but idolized him because he was so amazing. He was the type of man that even if was tired or stressed would make time for us, his family. He would watch my softball games and soccer games cheering me on. He was my biggest fan and supporter that I ever had. He was my everything my best friend, fan, idol, and importantly my father.
My father was a successful man in his life with his law firm Adams & Co. He was a great father towards my older sister, Loraine and me. He was the romantic type to my mother even after twenty something years of marriage with my mother he would still send her flowers everyday. He was just the best dad I could ever ask for and words can’t describe how much I love and miss him.
Everyone deals with death differently I did it through being alone. I can’t describe how devastated I was to learn I would never see him again. He was there, his body but he was gone. I felt shock, denial of how could it happen to me, God couldn’t let my father die could he? I questioned everything and felt guilt for not being able to do anything.
No one was there to tell me everything would be good, no one. I just wanted someone to hug me and promise everything will be okay. Someone to tell me lies they tell children. I hated crying I didn’t look as beautiful as them, my mother and sister. The best ‘actresses’ with their mascara running putting on a grand show.
I still remembering the moment when I was informed of his death. I felt so much pain right in my heart realizing my daddy was gone. Memories of him flashing through my head of the man that was always there. God had taken him and I hated God for doing it. God was supposed to be this holy figure that wouldn’t cause pain but he did.
I will never forget his pale face, his cold hand that was buried ten feet underground. I hoped he would open his eyes and tell me it was a joke. He would wrap his arms around me tightly and say he loved. He would no longer be smiling with his bright brown eyes. The brown eyes that would always stare at me giving me confidence in life and guiding me. He was gone and he would never come back.
All my dreams of having a happy and loving family was gone. He would never meet his grandchildren or even see me graduate. My daddy was gone and the pain importantly was I lost my best friend in the entire world.
His funeral was full of familiar and unfamiliar faces coming to give their condolences. They were all faces I didn’t care about and wanted them gone. Mother put on her best act along side my sister crying hugging each other. I only had myself to wrap my arms around no one else.
Their pity all a lie, they didn't even know the pain of losing a father. His casket being lowered mother screamed his name wanting to throw herself. I hated them, everyone watching our family as if we were circus freaks on display. Loraine held her back as others came pulling my mother back. Maybe I was wrong then maybe she did want to die.
The gray sky and rain coming down so well showed what I felt. Only darkness I felt and I wanted to dive in. I never knew how much it hurts and how nothing makes it go away. I just wanted to hear his voice one last time, to tell him how much I love him. To tell him not go, to stay and hold me promising to never leave. I didn't want to forget who he was the caring, joker, good hearted father he was. He wasn't just a great father but an amazing human being.
