Blue Neighbours (Phan)

HEAVEN

The truth runs wild
Like a tear down a cheek
Trying to save face, and daddy heart break
I'm lying through my teeth

I stare at the cross above my bed and think of the movie carrie. It was rated eighteen and over, so i just got in. Whenever Carrie did something bad, her mother would lock her into a small cupboard  with a creepy jesus on a cross and she would scream bible verses at her. Carrie cried, her mother cried, and i cried. Phil was there to comfort me though, which kind of made me cry harder, but he didn't need to know.

One year. One year i've known i've had to tell them. I didn't want to though, oh God, i didn't want to. Mom would cry. Dad would cry. I would cry and so would Phil. We'd all cry and nobody would come out a winner. I needed to tell someone. So, so bad because it was eating away at me. But if i told, maybe they'd lock me up like carrie. Shove me in a cupboard and scream bible verses mixed with hate and disappointment. They'd leave me this jesus on a cross, the one above my bed, to judge me.

I have to weigh my options. I could be locked up, beaten, shunned or thrown out of my overly christian family....

Or i could never be with Phil.

With only this thought in my head, i lift my body off my bed and make my way downstairs. I feel numb and cold, but i am sweating and shaking more violently than ever.

I can see them. I can see them now, and i want to vomit.

Phil. It's for Phil. You love Phil and you will continue loving Phil. Suck it up, Dan.

My mom saw me first. I thought my knees would give in.

"Daniel, love! Did you finish your prayers?"

"Ya mom, uhmm, i actually want to talk to you two."

My voice was shaking, i know, but i was loud. I know what i have to do.

My dad came in and my heart sank even lower. I wonder how fast that smile could disappear.

"Son, what is this?" He said, taking my mothers shoulder and sitting down with her on the sofa and i took a seat across from them.

Good, i wasn't in fear of falling over any more.

I look them in the face, i notice how wet my hands are, how fast my heart is beating.

"Uhm, okay. Okay. Okay, so. Okay"

Phil. Phil. I love him.

"This is really hard for me to say and i just hope you two love me after this..."

I love him. I love him so much. I love Phil. Dan loves Phil.

"Okay, so uhm, okay...."

Phil loves me. I love Phil. We will be together.

"I....."

Phil.

"I have a...."

Phil i'm sorry.

"A girlfriend. I have a girlfriend."

This voice inside
Has been eating at me
Trying to replace the love that I fake
With what we both need 

Phil stopped talking to me, and i get it. He has no idea this is one big lie. This girl and i, we are one big lie. I should have told him, i really should have. Maybe i will someday, because i know that no matter what he says or does or feels towards me, i will never stop loving me.