When it never stops

Hurting

Sitting, wondering where you would be if you had grown up differently, would you have ended up in a better life or would it have been worse. You think that it could never get worse than that but it can, you are glad that you didn't end up there but you wish with everything you have that you could escape the horrid place that you claim as home. Then you think about it, home is not a place but a feeling. Then the thought that you cant escape them and you realize that there is a physical home and a mental home, and sadly you have to claim this as your physical home and your mental isn't that great either because of these people that have flushed your life with negativity and neglect. Thinking, have i ever actually felt safe here, is this where I have ever wanted to be, can it get better, will it get better?

Knowing that all of your work, the suffering and the trials you put yourself through, it may all just fall apart and crumble, the help you thought you had may not be help at all, just torture. You have friends that are there for you but you are so unsure about everything that is happening you are not sure who is there for you, in all seriousness. Is there anyone there that will stay there through it all, your ugly, your pretty, your best, and your worst, when you feel like dropping off the edge because you feel there is no return, who will be there through it all, to dry your tears, and hold you in their arms as your life falls apart. Who will be there in the end, trying to pick up the pieces of your life to put them back together? Will there be anyone there in the end to create new memories with you, to build and not break you?

Wishing that all will be swell and cheerful but knowing that it may seem that way on the outside, it will never be that way on the inside. There will always be a hint of what it used to be, what it always will be. Knowing, hoping that someone is there to comfort you, to make you feel safe, to hide you from the demons that haunt your every thought, every action.

~~~~~~knowing that it will always hurt, it will never get better~~~~~~