Teach Me How to Love Again (Sequel to Dirty Little Secret)

Chapter 61: I Can't Do This Alone

*~(The title of this chapter is from My Heart by Paramore.)~*

A week had passed, and I never even left my room. This miscarriage hit me so hard. I was so depressed, I couldn't bear to do anything. I had absolutely no motivation anymore.

I turned to look at the clock, and it was only 8:00 AM. I had hardly slept last night. I checked my phone, hoping Gerard finally came to his senses and messaged me, but he didn't. Of course not. I wasn't good enough for him. It was probably my fault the baby was gone. He probably never wanted to see my ugly face again.

I laid in bed and stared at the ceiling for hours again until I heard Frank and Jamia get up. Jamia had been spending the night lately so she could keep an eye on me, and "help me get better." I wasn't doing any better, though. I wasn't a mom anymore. That's one of the hardest things to accept.

I finally got out of bed when I heard Frank open the door and somebody else enter the apartment. I was confused, so I stood up to see what was going on.

It was Kristin, Katie and Denise. I groaned internally. I didn't feel like talking to anyone right now. My baby just died, can't I have a few weeks to mourn by myself?

"Ah, you're awake!" Frank said. I frowned slightly.

"We thought you'd want some company," Jamia explained.

"I'd rather be alone," I sighed.

"I know you think you want to be alone, but trust me, being alone is the worst thing to do right now," Denise said.

"How would you know?" I asked, a bit more coldly than I had intended.

"Because... I miscarried once too. You can't do what I did about it. When I was younger, I had a man, and he meant the world to me. I got pregnant right before your mother got pregnant with you, so I was about twenty, but I miscarried within the first month. I was in mourning for months, and I pushed everyone away, then my man left, and I ended up with almost nobody. I really loved that man, and that's why I'm single with no kids. I never found love again. I'm thirty-eight now. It's been eighteen years. I let my miscarriage ruin my life. I'm not going to let you do the same," Denise explained. I hugged her and cried onto her shoulder for a little bit. Suddenly, I felt somebody gently tug at the leg of my pajama pants, and I looked down to see Katie. I pulled away from Denise and picked Katie up.

"Why Sky sad?" Katie asked.

I shook my head. "It's nothing, sweetie. Don't worry about it," I whispered soothingly.

"Mikey and Ray would be here, but they're with Gerard," Kristin suddenly explained. "I think you need to go back there. You two at least need to talk."

I shook my head no, and I set Katie down so I could talk to Kristin. "I can't. He kicked me out."

"But he needs you right now."

Denise suddenly chimed in. "Kristin's right. You two need each other more than ever right now. Don't do what I did. Don't forget you're not the only one who lost the baby."

Frank, Jamia and Kristin nodded in agreement.

"How about I take you over there when Mikey and Ray get back?" Kristin suggested. I nodded hesitantly. They were all right. I did need to talk to him.

We all watched TV for about an hour before Kristin got a text, signalling that Ray and Mikey were leaving Gerard's house. We both got up, and I quickly got ready to face Gerard. By "got ready" I really just meant I put some clothes on, because I was too sad to care about my hair or makeup.

Denise, Jamia and Frank all agreed to wait for me for a while in case I needed to come back. The drive with Kristin to Gerard's house was very silent, as I was too nervous to speak.

She dropped me off, and I trembled as I approached his door. I decided to knock, because I figured he'd get mad if I used my key.

He answered in a couple of moments, and he looked just as bad as I felt. His black hair was greasy and disheveled, and he was wearing the same shirt and pajama pants. I didn't think he'd changed clothes since we heard the news. His eyes were bloodshot and swollen, and there was a bit of stubble on his face.

He frowned at me as I just stared at him and stood in the doorway. "What?" he asked impatiently.

"I...I think we should talk," I said. He huffed, but he still opened the door wider to let me in. We both sat on the couch together.

"Why are you here?" he asked coldly.

"Because we need to talk. You're not the only one who lost a baby here," I spat, using what Denise had said to me earlier.

"You lost it! You lost our baby! We were gonna be parents, but you ruined it!" he exclaimed angrily.

"You can't really be fucking blaming me for this! The doctor said I didn't do anything wrong! There was nothing I could have done to prevent this! Do you even know how fucking useless I've felt since it happened? I know I'm not even good enough to give you the child you've wanted. I know you probably hate me as much as you hate Eliza, because she didn't give you a baby either. I'm fucking sorry, okay? I'm fucking sorry I'm so worthless! You know what? I think I'll just leave. You already kicked me out anyway," I said, but I started bawling like halfway through. I got up to leave now.

Gerard's eyes widened. "Please don't go. I can't do this alone," he mumbled. I don't know if he wanted me to hear him or not. He pulled me down and pulled me into his chest. "I know it's not your fault. I'm sorry. I just... I was just looking forward to having a baby with you. I was hoping that is what it would take to get us back together, then we could have raised the best baby ever. I just wanted to be parents with you. That sounds amazing to me," he explained. "I was hoping parenting would fix us, but that wasn't the only reason I wanted a baby of course. I wanted to be a father."

"This hit us both really hard," I observed. "We need each other right now. You know that, right? I don't care if we don't get back together. We just need each other. We're both going through the same shit. We need to face this together. I can't do this without you."

He reached down and intertwined our fingers as his eyes began to water. "I can't do this without you either. I'm sorry I kicked you out," he said. I silently cried as I rested the side of my head on his shoulder, then he rested his head on top of mine. He held my hand and rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb.

We cried in silence like this for what felt like hours. We were two broken people attempted to put ourselves, and each other, back together.