Anathema

Staying Home For A Week - Pt. 1

After I tried to die, the doctor decided I could go home the day I woke up. But there was one condition, I had to stay home for at least a week. I could not go to the store or the park or anywhere else. That was a problem. How in the fuck would staying home with my mom help me? Since it was "dangerous" for me to be home alone, from now on someone had to stay home with me at all times. I was not allowed to be alone.
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Day 1 - Monday

I woke up on the couch. I was not allowed to sleep in my room this week. They made me throw away my razors. When they turned my room upside down to look, they found my weed so that went in the toilet.

I wondered if they understood that this was not helping. This was making me even worse, I still didn't want to be alive. I still hated everything about myself. I decided to just pretend a little bit each day, just pretend I was doing better.

The couch was not very comfortable but I did get a good nights sleep. Mostly because they had me on sleeping meds. I got up and stretched, looked around and realized; I'm alone.

Nobody was in the room with me. Ha, one day and already no one cares enough to stick around even when they have to. It was hilarious to me, so hilarious that I made the mistake of laughing out loud.

Just then my mom walked out of MY room. What was she doing in there?! Nothing is safe anymore. As she walked out with tears in her eyes she asked, "Is this really funny to you Bliss? You stressed all of us out and had us scared to death and it's funny to you?"

I knew she would do something like this. I didn't want to stay with her for a whole week so I said, "No but this place is not a happy place for me, I don't want to be here." And just then out of seemingly nowhere she looked up, angrily wiping away fake tears, "Well where the fuck is a happy place!?" she screamed at me. "You're obviously not happy here. I don't know what to do. What? What?! Do you want me to call Augustine? Would you be happier with him?" The words dripped from her lips like poison.

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My "father's" name is Augustine. But I hadn't seen him in about seven years at that time. He got hooked on hardcore drugs (e.g. Cocaine, heroin, acid.) and left us behind. He left with a prostitute had a stupid, fake name like "Candy".

I didn't hate him for leaving or even getting hooked on drugs. I hated him for leaving me here with my mom. Why couldn't he have taken me with him and just leave me somewhere? Anywhere but with her. I felt so abandoned.

He left me with so many broken promises. He promised trips to the zoo and the museum and the aquarium. But none of those promises were kept, one day he was just gone and I hadn't heard from him since.

I understood why he left and I even understood why he was hooked on drugs. It wasn't really that hard to understand. My mom was a bully and bullies can make you crazy. She was making me crazy but I have to admit it wasn't just her. He did his own part in ruining his life.
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At that point I began to cry. How could she bring up something like that? Something that I was still upset over, I'd never get over it. That's why she would bring it up, just to hurt me.

Tears formed in my eyes and I just stared at her. What was I supposed to say now? How do I respond to that? How would I know if I'd be happier with him? I haven't seen him in seven years.

I continued to stare until the tears in my eyes began to fall and I cried quietly. Finally she broke the silence, "Look I know you're not happy and I'm sorry for saying that." She spewed complete bullshit from her mouth. She wasn't sorry, she just wanted to pull me back so I wouldn't snap on her.