Anathema

Staying Home For A Week - Pt. 2

Day 3 - Wednesday

I woke up on the couch, I fell asleep watching Mean Girls. As I rolled off the couch I could hear my uncle on the phone, I decided to eavesdrop for a while:
"I don't know who they are."
*silence*
"There are things that she isn't telling us."
".......I'm not going to force her to talk about something she doesn't want to and I'm not going to let you either."
*silence*
"Yes I'm worried but I don't want to make things worse by pressuring her to tell us."
*silence*
"I have to go Crystal, she might be awake and I don't want her to hear any of this."

And he hung up. I decided to just stay standing by his bedroom door. He walked out and automatically looked guilty. I looked at him for a moment, "Don't try to lie, I know you were talking about me to my mom. You told her what happened at the store, didn't you?" He glanced around the room, probably trying to think of a coverup.

"Yeah, I was. I don't want to pressure you into talking about things you don't want to but I want to help, Bliss. And I can't help unless you let me."

I really didn't want to tell him the whole story, I couldn't. I couldn't even bring myself to think about it sometimes. I decided to tell him part of it.

"I'll tell you the things that I want to tell you. It's not that I'm hiding things, I just can't talk about it, okay?" He nodded. "I've been bullied since August, that's the first thing." He looked shocked, "How come you never told me? I could've helped you." I shook my head, "Don't say that. You couldn't have helped because I was unwilling to take help." He looked down at his lap and I could tell he knew what I meant.

"You remember Tyler, right?" He nodded and I continued, "Well when he broke up with me, he let me in on a secret. He was gay, I was a coverup, and he had been cheating on me for a while." As soon as the words left my lips my uncle was furious. "How could he do that to you!? What a fucking piece of shit!" I smiled, "Yeah he's a dick, huh? Well anyways that was pretty much the start of all this. But there is more."

My uncle looked at me, ready to listen. I sighed deeply and continued, "After Tyler broke up with me, some of his friends started bullying be, telling me I had no right to be sad and that I was being dramatic. I started hanging out alone and after a while I found this spot on campus where people never really go." My uncle nodded, I could tell he didn't really understand.

//
None of the people in my family are really like me, I never had a lot of friends or I didn't have any friends at all. I never even had a best friend until the middle of sophomore year. I've always kept to myself but when I was in middle school I wanted to be popular, I knew it would never happen because I wasn't pretty or skinny and I never had nice clothes. So maybe freshman year was a good thing, it taught me to stop caring about what people think of me.
//

I continued my story, "I started hanging out alone until one day I met a new guy, his name is Cameron, the guy you saw at Walmart. Let's just say things between Cameron and I didn't end well and now a lot of the upper classmen don't like me. In fact I think they hate me."

He raised his eyebrows and sighed deeply. He couldn't think of anything to say. I know he had never been in a situation like mine and he didn't even know the whole story. I've actually never told anyone the whole story. (Yeah, I'm telling the story to all of you, but I've never actually talked to anyone about it. I've never been able to.)

We sat in silence for quite a while before my uncle simply said, "Fuck 'em." I looked up from my lap and shook my head then my uncle said something else, "No, Bliss. Just because they might hate you doesn't mean you have to hate yourself. You're wonderful, perfect in all your own unique ways. And I know you don't feel very wonderful right now and I know you're not doing so great but things won't be like this forever." I listened quietly and my uncle said something that really stuck with me, "Everything is temporary. No one sticks around and you won't be sad forever. That is something I can promise you."
///
After letting some of the feelings out and having my uncle give me some inspirational words I felt a lot better. Even though I knew I wouldn't be sad forever I just needed to hear it from someone else. I needed to know that it was true.

I knew going back to school would be a challenge. Just being alone all the time and feeling like I was the odd one out. I always noticed a lot of other people like me and I wondered what made them the way they were but I never bothered to approach any of them. I didn't think I was better than them or anything like that. I just didn't feel like I deserved friends, I guess.
////

Day 4 & 5 - Thursday & Friday

On Thursday I slept for most of the day. I woke up for a few hours that night but fell back asleep.

On Friday my mom came to visit me. She came bearing gifts:

•A new backpack featuring a unicorn. (I really like unicorns, they are my favorite mythical creature. I have 10 stuffed unicorns.)
•A pack of mechanical pencils & two new composition notebooks. (She said, "I noticed you've been writing a lot.")
•A Nirvana t shirt.
•A Metallica t shirt.
•A black & white button up flannel.
•Two new pairs of black skinny jeans.

I thanked her for buying me such cool gifts then we all ate dinner together. We went out to eat at Dion's, a pizza place you can only find in New Mexico. Cool, huh?

We ordered a Margarita pizza (Three different cheeses, tomatoes, basil, and black olives. Yum!!) and sat together sipping soda as we waited for our food.

It felt surprisingly normal to sit and eat dinner with my family. I didn't normally like eating around anyone but that night I felt calm.
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I went back to school Monday. Saturday and Sunday passed without incident. I was still extremely nervous for Monday. I was terrified of facing Cameron and Ashley. The closer the day came the worse my anxiety got.