Doorways to Everywhere (Tourist Trap Book 2)

Chapter 28

Maurice approached an aardvark wearing sunglasses that was strolling past whistling a little tune to himself. "Excuse me. Would you happen to know a good place to get a sandwich around here?"

The aardvark glanced over his glasses. "Yeah. The Sandwich King is right around the corner. Make a right at the next block and you can't miss it."

"Thanks," Maurice said as he gave a little wave.

He rounded the corner and was greeted by a giant animated sign that featured a cartoon sandwich with big eyes and a pair of stubby little legs dancing around. A small gold crown floated a little above the top slice of bread. A word balloon popped out of the side of the sandwich that read "The Sandwich King: We specialize in sandwiches!"

"Looks like I found the place to go," he said to himself as he opened the door and went through.

An armadillo with three eyes was standing behind the counter. "Welcome to the Sandwich King! What can I get for you today? The grape pizza's good today. Or I could make you some nachos. You like nachos?"

"Actually I was looking to get a sandwich," Maurice said.

The armadillo blinked its three eyes in succession. "Eh, between you and me, don't get a sandwich. I got some pretty tasty sasquatch foot soup on the boiler. Can I get you a bowl of that?"

"That sounds great, but this order isn't for me, it's for my employer. I guess he's my employer. He hasn't actually paid me anything yet. Still, I suppose getting him a sandwich is the least I can do."

"You know the sandwiches just aren't really that good here," the armadillo said. "Why don't I make you a nice ragweed salad? You want that to go?"

"What do you mean the sandwiches aren't that good here?" Maurice asked. "Your sign says you specialize in sandwiches."

"Honestly the sandwiches are kind of average at best. You know what's really good here? The chili. We grind up fresh snail and octopus brain and slow cook it overnight. People come from miles around to try it. Sometimes the lines go out the door and around the block."

Maurice glanced around. Nobody else was in the room. "That does sound like something worth lining up for, but I'll just take a sandwich to go. It doesn't really matter if it's any good or not. The boss man wants a sandwich and a sandwich he'll get."

"I'm sorry. We have a certain reputation to uphold here and I just can't sell you a sub-par sandwich and have you going around badmouthing my establishment. Especially when there are so many better things to be found on our menu. You like pasta? I got a nice pink sauce or yellow sauce."

"I don't understand how this place can be called the Sandwich King and you won't sell me a sandwich. Just slap something between a couple slices of bread and we'll call it a day."

"Look. About that. I'm afraid I don't have any bread so that's not going to be possible."

"That sign on the wall over there says you bake your own bread fresh daily," Maurice said. "It also says you guarantee you'll never run out."

"Okay, I'm going to level with you here. I have some bread. We do bake it every day, but I got to tell you it's kind of gross. I just really can't recommend a sandwich in good conscience."

Maurice rubbed his forehead. "I already told you I don't care if it tastes good. I just need a sandwich. Are you going to sell me a sandwich or not?"

"No," the armadillo said. "I will not sell you a sandwich."

"The Sandwich King isn't going to sell me a sandwich. That's just great. Well I guess I'll just have to take my business elsewhere."

"Have a nice day," the armadillo called out as Maurice walked out.

"Now what am I supposed to do?" Maurice asked himself as he looked around aimlessly.

He suddenly spotted another sign that read "Joe Bob's Really Good Sandwiches."

"Was that there before?" he said as he scratched his head. "Oh well, I guess it's my lucky day."

The entrance was some sort of revolving door. As soon he entered it began to spin around faster and faster. He didn't see any way to get out of it so he went around in circles more times than he could count. Eventually it started going so fast that he found himself stuck to the wall. Just when he thought he was going to be sick a panel opened up overhead. A powerful suction pulled him up into a tube. He felt himself propelled forwards at blinding speeds before he came to an abrupt halt and was deposited flat on his back in a small brightly lit room. There were lines of shelves on either side of him filled with strange objects. His eyes settled on a statue of a nose wearing a bow tie.

A cat with a long flowing mullet leaped off the shelf on his left and landed gracefully between Maurice's feet.

"Is this Joe Bob's Really Good Sandwiches?" Maurice asked groggily.

"No," the cat said with a confused look on his face. "This is Heisenberg's Uncertainty Shoppe. Welcome!"

"Do you guys have sandwiches?" Maurice asked.

"I don't know. We might. I never really know what's in stock at any given time. I think I might have seen a sandwich around here somewhere earlier."

"Your sign says you're Joe Bob's Really Good Sandwiches," Maurice said as he pulled himself unsteadily to his feet.

"It does?" the cat blinked a few times. "That sign says the strangest things. The other day a whole bridal party wandered in here looking for dresses. They told me the sign said I was some kind of wedding emporium. Imagine that. Come to think of it, the exit was difficult to locate that day. They might still be wandering around in here somewhere. I hope they found some suitable dresses along the way."

"That's interesting. Now about that sandwich."

"Oh yes," the cat said. "Let me see. Oh here's one. Appears to be egg salad. That work for you?"

"I'll take it," Maurice said.

"Just a word to the wise, I wouldn't eat it if I were you," the cat said. "It might not be a 'sandwich' if you know what I mean."

"No, I don't know what you mean," Maurice said as he pulled out some floss. "Truthfully I don't really care right now. How much do you want for it?"

"Give me two strands and we'll call it even. And if you hurry up I think I see the exit over there hiding behind that fire hydrant."