Teach Me How to Love Again (Sequel to Dirty Little Secret)

Chapter 62: We're Believers, I Believe Tonight

*~(The title of this chapter is from Save Yourself, I'll Hold Them Back by My Chemical Romance.)~*

"I bet the baby would have been beautiful just like its mother," Gerard said suddenly.

"Or handsome like its father," I chimed in.

"I wish we could have been parents, because now there's no way we'll ever have a baby together again," he sighed.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean there's no way you'd ever let me make love to you again, because we'll never be back together. No sex means no babies," he explained. I don't think he had slept in days, so some of this was delirium from his lack of sleep. That's one reason he was being weird.

"We'll worry about that later," I said, and he nodded.

"I just miss you. I've been a dick for months, and it's not right. We didn't even get to celebrate our relationship becoming legal, because we're not in a relationship anymore. It hurts me to see you doubt that I ever loved you, because I still love you more than anything. You're beautiful, and you still make my heart flutter. You're my world, but I just wish I could stop being a dick."

"We've put each other through a lot of shit lately, haven't we?" I asked, and now I switched to rubbing the back of his hand with my thumb. He nodded as best as he could with his head still resting on mine.

"Y-yeah, we have," he said after he had given up on nodding without moving his head from resting on top of mine.

"I miss you too. I'm just afraid we're gonna rush in, and it's not going to feel the same. I just want things to be like how they used to be."

"What if we kissed again? Wouldn't that be crazy?" he asked.

I chuckled slightly. "You're suggesting I kiss you right now, aren't you?"

"M-maybe. O-only if you want, of course. Like... N-no pressure, or whatever," he rambled, as his cheeks turned a dark shade of red. It was cute to see him so flustered.

I lifted my head off of his shoulder and looked at him, so he flashed me an awkward smile. "S-sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I-I was just kidding," he said defensively.

I placed both of my hands on his cheeks, which were covered with rough, scratchy stubble, and I pressed my lips against his. We both had chapped lips and bad breath, but it was good enough for me. I

We both pulled away after a little bit. I'll admit, it didn't feel as good as it used to, because there wasn't as much love behind it. Gerard seemed to enjoy it more than I did, because he flashed me a tiny smile. "Thank you," he whispered.

Another long silence of doing nothing but thinking passed, then I sighed and spoke up. "I don't like this. I'm not doing good."

"I'm not doing good either," he admitted.

"It doesn't feel the same anymore, does it?"

He shook his head. "You're right. It doesn't," he agreed. "What did we do to us? Where did we go so wrong? Two people who love each other so much shouldn't struggle this much."

"I don't know if it's ever going to be the same. We've hurt each other too many times. Throughout the relationship, we saw sides of each other nobody else has, and we saw sides of ourselves we didn't even know we had. Do you think it's possible that we're just lying to ourselves? What if it's never going to be the same?"

"I don't want to believe that. We can fix this. We can fix us."

"I'm not so sure we can, Gerard. What if we don't love each other the same way we used to?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, we love each other, but what if we're not in love with each other anymore?"

"I'm still in love with you."

"Then why did this kiss feel so wrong?"

He was silent for a little, but then he shook his head, grabbed both my hands, and looked into my eyes. "If you wanna give up, go ahead, but I'm not going to give up on us. I believe that we can fix us. I'm not going to give up this easily. If I could win you over as well as I did that first day, I would, because you were in love with me that day. I know I've hurt you bad since the days where you were in love with me, but we can get back there. I fucking believe in us," he explained.

I smiled slightly at this. "I believe in us too, but it's gonna take time. We're both not in a very good state of mind right now."

"I don't care how long it takes, as long as we both still believe in us. We'll get better again."

And at that moment, I really believed we could do this. I really believed Gerard and I could fix what we tore apart.