Struggle

Obsession

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I obsess over this little piece of metal? why? ugh I'm so stupid. I give in every time. I stood up and walked over to the bathroom mirror and looked at myself. My blonde hair was a mess, my makeup dragged down my pale face. I was skinny. Too skinny at that. My blue eyes glimmered in the light and my arms.. oh god my arms, the blood rolled down each arm as if it was water being poured down it. I needed to fix this so I went and grabbed my towel and started to rub the blood off, except this time the cuts wouldn't stop bleeding. I gave up after about 5 minutes and decided the blood would dry up on its own and stop bleeding so I went and laid in bed and put my headphones in. Joseph messaged me and right on time as usual.
Joseph- Hey em how you doin today?
me- I'm doin good today, not as much as yesterday!
why do I lie to myself ahaha this is worse than yesterday.
Joseph- Glad to hear beautiful, so happy you're doing better!
me- thanks joey, so thankful for you.
I looked at my arm. How could I lie to him? All he wants is for me to be better and I just lied! ugh. I threw my headphones on my bed and got up and decided I wanted to eat something, so I went downstairs to my kitchen and made some bacon and eggs. It may be 8 o'clock in the night but you can always bacon and eggs. I brought my food over to the table and started eating. Why is it that I can only eat so much? Who knows. I looked at the clock. It was 9:15 already. Jesus. I decided I wanted to go have a shower and wash away the pain from today, but my mind had other things planned. I walked back upstairs to the washroom and turned on the shower. I went to my room and grabbed my towel and blade. If I really wanted to stop I shouldn't be doing this, but it's a obsession.