"I never knew until that moment how bad it could hurt to lose something you never really had."
-The Wonder Years
_________
p r o l o g u e :
Hi. My name is Freya. This is the story of my death and everything that followed. I was nineteen, a college freshman, ready for the on-coming winter. I was young, not carefree, but something close to it. It was a really cold night in December and I was with my group of friends. We had just gotten dinner at the local campus hotspot.
"Okay, Frey, tell us the truth," Claudia, my roommate, slung her arm around my shoulder, "are you or are you not dating Kevin D'Louca from Chemistry?"
I laughed, pushing her face and foul-smelling mouth away from me, "No, I'm not and your breath stinks!"
"Does not!" She protested, holding back a smile, "All parts of me eternally smell like roses!"
Grey, her boyfriend, scoffed, "I beg to differ."
She shot him a glare and let go of me, falling in step beside him. Olivia, a girl from her World class who most of us had just met, took her place at the front of the group with me. I gave her a side-long glance. I didn't do well around strangers, especially ones who seemed to have a personal aversion to me. Liv, as Claudia had dubbed her, had been avoiding me all night. So you can imagine how surprising it was when she appeared out of nowhere at my side.
"Hey," she ventured over the chatter of the others, "Freya, right?"
I nodded silently, averting my gaze to the ground. What was I supposed to say?
"Sorry about earlier," she gave me a cautious smile, "I didn't mean to come off as stuck-up."
"Not at all," I shook my head, "I understand. Meeting new people is..."
"Hard?" Liv offered, chuckling.
"Yeah," I grinned, "something like that."
"So," she turned her eyes to the sky, "you and Kevin, huh?"
"Nope," I popped the p, "I went on one date with him and now Claudia finds it funny to bring him up at about every social event we go to together."
She nodded, readjusting her scarf, "Ah. How come it didn't work out between you two?"
"Well," I smiled ruefully, "his girlfriend didn't seem to pleased when she caught us having dinner."
Liv's eyes got wide as her head snapped towards me, "No way! Did you know?"
"Negative," I said, "if I had, I probably would've told his girlfriend that he asked me out. I can't stand people who take advantage of their significant other."
"Me, too," Dane, my long-time best friend, popped up between us, "it sucks when that happens."
I rolled my eyes, "Get over it, Dane. You and Jackie broke up like a year and a half ago."
He rubbed his chest, grinning, "That doesn't take away the sting, Frey."
When I looked over at Liv, she had a knowing smile on her face. She wiggled her eyebrows at me suggestively so I reached around Dane and smacked her shoulder. Claudia seemed to notice.
"Hey! Freya!" She bellowed in a very fake Brooklyn-style accent, "Don't beat on my friend, ya hear?"
I grinned back at her, "Wouldn't dream of it, Claud."
It took us half an hour to get back to the dorms because the guys started a snow ball fight halfway through the walk and then Gordon the Goofball lost his hat in a snowdrift. When we reached Claudia and I's building, I effectively found myself kicked out of my room because Grey wanted some "alone time."
"Great," I said, letting my arms flop to my sides as the two lovebirds walked away, "I'm homeless."
"C'mon," Dane laughed, pulling me into a side hug, "you can stay with me tonight."
I glanced at him warily, "Okay, but no funny business, clear?"
"When," he started, "in our thirteen years of friendship have I ever tried to make a move on you, Frey?"
"Uh, seventh grade," I scoffed, "you said you liked me and then tried to kiss me behind the gym. And then during sophomore year you asked me to homecoming."
He turned beet red, "Okay, in my defense, I was twelve."
"And the dance?" I asked, staring up at him.
"To be honest?" I nodded, "Well, I had a huge crush on you all through high school."
I stopped, causing him almost to fall. A middle school infatuation, I understood. But four years of liking me without so much as a word?
"Freya," he began, taking a step towards me, "listen—"
"What about now?" I blurted.
That caught him off-guard. "Wh-what?"
"What about now?" I repeated, gazing up at him, "How do you feel about me now?"
Without another word, we were on each other, our mouths fused together. My arms went up around his neck and his snaked around my waist, drawing me closer to him. It wasn't some firework-inducing explosion that you hear about in movies and books. No. It was a kiss between two people with a lot of pent up feelings for each other. And as soon as it was over, I ran.
I didn't hear him calling my name. I didn't hear the honk of the car horn. I didn't hear the screeching and crashing as the huge metal vehicle smashed into my body. All I heard was the erratic beating of my heart as I slipped away.
