The Man I Can NEVER Have (One Shot)

The Man I Can NEVER Have

You and I went to same school together for 8 years. We then became friends, really good friends. We made good memories together along with our other friends. You would always tease about me having a crush on one of our classmate because you found out that I used to have a crush on him.

You gave me manly nicknames because I have a manly body structure and because I act like a tomboy. You were the only person that never calls me by my real name. I know those nicknames should make me mad, but I didn't because I thought it was cute. That became 'our thing' because you're the only person I allowed to call me those nicknames.

You made me feel that there was something between us. We talk, we text, we share food and you even sing to me (Puso by Spongecola). After class we would always go to our tambayan with our friends just to talk about life in general. You would always offer me a ride home using your motorcycle. My lolo's and lola's and my tita's would tease us saying "oy mga bata pa kayo, wag muna mag aasawa" because we were always together. We would laugh about it and we always say "hindi po kami mag syota, mag kaibigan lang".

But there was one night I could never ever forget. You left your motorcycle at our house and we went to our teacher's funeral. After that we walked home and we were not talking. The silence was not awkward— it actually felt comforting. We stayed outside my house to chat and make jokes, but my dad told me go home because you know strict ang dad ko. I texted you a good night message and out of the blue you called my phone. You asked me to go outside my house because you have something to say. I told you just to text me because I can no longer go out because my dad was not pleased about what happened earlier. I remember you told me that "labas kana bilis, importante lang toh bawal sabihin sa text". But then I refused to go outside because #1: My dad is mad. #2: I'm scared to what I am about to hear. Let me tell you, I REGRET THE DECISION I MADE THAT NIGHT until now.

First year high school, one of my friend asked me about you. Of course, I told her everything about you which is probably the worst thing I've done to myself. 2 months later, me and my three other friends were doing some group projects when you came to her house. Both of you announced that you're officially a couple. My heart skipped a beat not because you've done something cheesy to me, but because you got yourself a girlfriend (and it wasn't me). I don't know where I got the courage to hug you both and congratulate you. I WAS BROKEN, I WAS HURT, I WAS MAD, BUT I DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE.

Past forward to 5 months, you guys broke up because she wanted to focus on her studies. I texted you immediately to ask you if you're okay. You said yes. I had no idea if I should be happy because you guys broke up or be sad because you are. After the break up, you started to change. You never reply to my texts, calls, or even say hi to me. I tried to be understanding. I told myself that "busy lang yun sa school kaya di ka nya ma-text".

Then our friends told me that you had an appendix removal surgery. Man, did I overreacted when I found out. He said that "dapat ikaw na lang yung girlfriend nya ngayon noh? Para may mag aalaga sa kanya kase yung ex tignan mo parang walang pake". How I wish I was. Your friends knew that I like love you. They would always tease me about it and they would always ask you about me (nilalakad nila ako syo). I would always tell them to ask you if there's a chance of me being your girlfriend. I sometimes text you "bakit hindi ako? Ano bang mali sa akin? Mukha ba talaga akong lalake? Mahirap ba talaga akong mahalin? Wala ba talaga akong chance?" and you'll reply "hindi ko alam. Ikaw talaga ang hilig mo mag jokes. Friends tayo diba?" I may sound desperate, but I really like love you that's why. My friends and cousins always tell me to stop because there are a lot of guys in the world. They will always say that "God has a better plan for you. He made someone just for you. Kung kayo talaga edi kahit anong mangyari, sa huli kayo pa rin pero kung hindi edi thank you, next person in line please". But damn I don't want anyone, I want you.

August 2010, when I found out that we're leaving the Philippines. I gave you hints about it because I don't have the guts to tell that I'm leaving. No one knows about us leaving not until 3 days before our flight. My last day at school (September 2010) I whispered to you that "uy aalis na'ko. I'll miss you and I love you" but I can tell that you didn't hear me because the teachers are shouting to fall in line and the flag ceremony is starting. I WISH I HUGGED YOU (even though I hate hugs), I WISH WE GOT A CHANCE TO TALK, BUT IT WAS TOO LATE.

3 months after I left, I found myself looking through your profile and luckily you were online. I asked you if we can Skype and thankfully you accepted my request. It was 5 in the morning here and it was 7 at night there. I was so happy when I saw your face and heard your voice again. We talked about school and reminisced. You were listening to music and suddenly "Marry your daughter by Brian McKnight" started playing. You were singing along and I was hoping and wishing that you were singing it to my dad. I was imagining things while you were singing. Flashback started playing on my mind. All the 'what if' questions started to arise. What if I went out that night when you told me you have something to say? What if? What if?

Years passed and we hardly talk. You were in fourth year high school and there is a tradition that all seniors will go to a retreat. This is the time when friends and families will give retreat letters to 4th year students. Even though I am far away from you and also busy with my life I managed to save some time to make you a letter. There I confessed everything. I told you about my feelings and all the what if questions I had. I wished you good luck to your new journey and f*ck I even told you that I can be a rebound girl if none of your relationship work out. I asked my friend to give it to you, but I didn't get any 'thank you' from you and that's okay because 'malakas ka sa akin eh!'

I remember my friend told me that you guys got back together (LDRelationship— she's outside the Philippines too). But your relationship didn't work out again because you don't have time for each other. Sometimes I find myself looking at your Facebook profile and checking if you're in a relationship. I message you once in a while to check up on you even though seen zoned ako sa'yo.

I know people might think that I'm "desperada, illusionada, assumera at martyr" because I keep pushing myself towards you. Pinag si-siksikan ko yung sarili ko sayo kahit alam ko na wala naman talagang mang yayari. Ilang beses kitang iniyakan kahit na alam kong wala naman mapapala yung mga luha ko. Maraming gabi akong nag i-imagine kung anong pwedeng mangyari sa atin kung nabigyan tayo ng pag kakataon na maging magka relasyon. Pero sa tingin ko sapat na ang mga oras na nailaan ko para sa relasyon natin na hindi totoo. I have been holding onto something that was never there in the first place. Kaya Gusto ko lang sabihin sa'yo na "Thank you for making me who am I today. F*CK YOU. GAGO. AT ANG TANGA mo kase hindi mo nakita lahat ng effort na binigay ko sa'yo na mas higit pa sa binigay ng mga nakarelasyon mo!" Alam ko din na mas tanga ako sa'yo kase hinayaan ko ang sarili ko mag aksaya ng oras sa taong kailanman hindi masusuklian ang pag mamahal na binigay ko.

I don't know why I wrote this to be honest. I don't know if I want you to read this or not. I don't know why I wasted so much time writing this instead of studying. BUT maybe I just want to let this out of my heart and my head. Maybe this is my goodbye to my wildest imagination of us being together. Maybe I didn't really love you because maybe I just fell in love with the idea of you and I being together. I think this is me moving on from our relationship that never really happened. You know it's hard to move on from a relationship that never really happen because our imagination blurs the reality of life. BUT I PROMISE this will be the LAST time and FINALLY after many f*cking years I AM LETTING YOU GO. WAIT NO, I AM LETTING GO OF 'THAT SOMETHING' THAT WAS NOT REALLY THERE. I can finally smell the flowers around the field and maybe & I hope my future partner will also be there waiting for me. So, good bye my past love, HELLO FUTURE LOVE— I can't wait to meet you.