This Is My Song

The Cafe Girl

Connor Grayson - Tuesday midday

I'M SO glad we have today off. I need a day to myself for once. Especially after being up all night. After what happened.

I didn't see my mum this morning. I feel bad. She just doesn't understand that I don't want to hear of him. I don't want to have him come up in conversations. He's not a father to me.

I went to that cafe again to have lunch and believe it or not Claudia was there. She was sitting at a table next to the window. She looked like she was texting someone. Probably her boyfriend or something.

Instead of going to talk to her I went and ordered a chocolate milkshake.. because why not. I'm not much of a savory person honestly like I live off snickers and kit kats. I go to gym and do sports and all that but honestly I'll never be able to go on a diet.

After getting through half of my milkshake, Claudia got up and walked towards the door. I didn't know how to get her attention so I did the first thing that came to my head. I faked a sneeze and pretend I didn't notice her. Lamest thing I've ever done...

"Hey!"

"Oh hey! How are you?" Acting as if I didn't see her before.

I got up and went to take out her chair but as she stood she gave me a hug. I hugged her straight away so it's as if that was what I was meant to do.

"I could be better."

It was awkard for a bit until I spoke up.

"Uh... did you.. uh.. did you want to talk about it?"

She considered it for a while but changed ger mind.

"No I'm okay.."

We stood awkwardly again. Looking around, hands in pockets.

"Would you like to sit down with me for a bit?" I scratched the bank of my neck. I do that a lot when I'm nervous.

"I just had my coffee but maybe next time?"

"Right.. yeah... of course. Late notice. See you around then."

"See ya 'round."

She flashed a smile and left.

Idiot.

Idiot.
Idiot.
Idiot.

You don't know how to make a converstaion with a girl! You idiot! That was the worst conversation in history.

I sat down and finally finished that milkshake I got. It took me half an hour to finish it. My thoughts were on what just happened. Trying to imagine thousands of different ways it could have gone.

Realizing that I've stayed here for about an hour and a half drinking and overthinking, I left.

I walked along the road, on the white lines in the middle like I did when I was little with my mum. There were no cars since its such a small town.

A few people walked by. There was a couple holding hands. They were laughing and smiling. She had a nice smile. Her smile was wide and she squinted when she laughed. Her hair went in her face as she swung her head forwards from laughing so hard.

He looked at her the whole time she was laughing. He was admiring how beautiful she was. He realized how lucky he is in that moment. How lucky he is to be holding her hand, to be walking next to her and seeing her happy. He loves her, I can see it.

I turned a corner and they dissapeared from my vision.

I put my headphones on and listened to Ed Sheerans sounstrack.

I couldnt help but think about her. Her and her amazing, giant eyes and her button nose, her hands were soft and her fingers were long. She was my world. I loved playing with her hair and when she played with mine.

She was a beatiful person. She was generous and kind. She was adorably funny and made time for me. Always. My mum loved her. I loved her. But I hurt her. I was stupid and I hurt her. I hurt her and she's gone! Because I was an idiot and didn't give her everything I had! I didn't give her what she gave me. I used her and she tried her best. She was so hurt. So hurt. And because of me! I'm an idiot! I had to let her go. I can't get her out of my head. She's the reason I stayed away from girls. The reason I was so afraid to talk to a girl. Cause I knew that I'd stuff up. I knew I'd make a mistake and hurt someone! Everything I do is a mistake! I can't do anything right.. nothing.

I realized I was crying. I didn't know where I was but I didn't care. I sat down on the road and didn't move for at least 15 minutes. I cried for the whole 15 minutes because I felt crap. I hurt her. I hurt my Alexia and now she's no longer mine.

My phone buzzed. It was a message from my mum asking where I was. It was six all ready and I really needed to get home. I turned on the GPS and went home. I was only 20 minutes away.

"Where have you been? We need to talk. Sit next to me."

"I don't want to talk."
I kept walking.

"Please it's important."

"Later okay. Not now."

"Connor. Please!"

I shut the door to my room and lay in my bed until I fell asleep.

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