Dear literally anyone who reads this,
If I disappear, don't freak out. Because I'm either dead, or in the hospital. Either of those I'd be rather accepting of. Death would mean I wouldn't be here to witness the selfishness of the world. Death would mean I'd finally shut up and stop being a bother to the people I care about. The hospital on the other hand means I get a free out of the world. The hospital keeps me alive, but keeps me away from everyone. So either way I'm not a bother to everyone I care ever so deeply about.
I guess you could call what I'm writing a suicide note. But you also could not call it that. I dont know, because I'm expecting by the end of this I'm either dead or hospitalized. Hopefully the one I end up with is okay... But I'll accept either one. Before anyone freaks out, let me explain why I'm saying this.
Lets go back to Friday, December 11, 2015. My BFFL disappeared. I got a text saying he died. Well I had promised myself that if he ever died early I'd go along with him. So I tried to commit suicide in the way that makes you suffer the most. Cutting. But I just ended up really hurting and getting in trouble. Stitches in my right arm as well. So then that night I went and got my best friend to spend the night for my birthday. We stayed up until 6:45 in the morning basically talking about tampons and drinking wine that we found in the fridge. He slept until 12am. I slept until 7:30am. Well when Pasha woke up, we went out... I had to go to the hospital that day, so Pasha went with me. I went and got stitched and we left the hospital at 2:45. So then we left from there and went to Dave and Busters. We spent all of the money I've been saving for a plane ticket.. And when we finished playing video games it was 7:00pm. He went home and never said the words happy birthday...
The next day comes and its my birthday I wake up and no ones home.. I call my family and my sister is at a sleepover, and everyone else is out playing mini golf. When I'm on the phone no one says happy birthday to me. I walk down to my highschool and get ready to take my drivers test. I get in the car and start driving. I go through the test and actually pass. On my way home I get into a car crash and I'm about 2,000 dollars back in debt. Well the day goes by and my boyfriend comes over. We go back to my room and I change my shirt quickly. We're going on about 5 months strong and he sees my cuts. The first words out of his mouth are "Woah woah woah I'm dating an attention whore?" I quickly put on a shirt and go "Excuse me?" He goes on and on about how he wont date someone like me because he doesnt want to have to deal with the drama they bring. So we start talking and it quickly turns into screaming. I end up losing control and pull up my sleeves and go "YOU SEE THIS ZACH? YEAH YOU DO THIS TO ME!" He gets so mad he throws a picture hanging on my wall at me. He says these words to me before he leaves "We're both straight Audrey. Because deep down I know you're kidding everyone. You have a vagina! Stop pretending to be a boy!" He breaks up with me and leaves. I get on my computer and start playing the sims. I get a text from a person who was once my best friend. The girl I trusted with my life... Well she texts me saying, "Lol pretty boy broke up with you? What a shame. Oh hows that 'eating disorder' going? Tell me when you really get one." We go back and forth a few times and then I shut down the computer. Im far too annoyed with her to deal with it anymore. The rest of the day goes by and no one says happy birthday to me. I fall asleep, blood stains on my clothes.
Well then I wake up this morning and realize that my BFFL Jayden has written something to me. I check it and realize its a list of everything I've been doing wrong. I'm crushed. Why hadn't he told me sooner? I didn't mean to do those things. If he would've only told me sooner.. God I'm such a horrible friend. I didn't know that calling you 'lovey' made you sick. You should've told me when I first started. I wouldn't have. I didn't know you didn't wanna get married! If you knew that why didn't you tell me when we first agreed on doing that? You know why I was so fucking focused on that? Because nobody has stuck with me as long as you have. I get security at night by thinking of that as my future. I don't believe anyone will love me one day, so I got stuck on that. I actually believed that you wanted that. The pokemon wedding! The fucking rings! We debated who got to fucking propose! If you didn't wanna do that, why'd you tell me all these things.Why'd you say I was the only one ypu wanted to kiss you? Why'd I have to agree to let you propose, why'd you remind me of the pokemon theme and pokemon rings. Why'd you do these things to me? Did you do this to play with my mind? What? Was I some toy of yours? Something to play with for a little while? I mean really, you were fueling this stupid ass fire with things you'd said. God this is just so dumb. I can't believe I cried over you. You fueled this, and then put it all on me. If you dont like something, say it. Dont wait and make a FUCKING LIST OF EVERY LITTLE THING I DO THAT IS WRONG. To make saying that you didn't want them even more crushing? And texting you at school, you never told me to stop! You texted me back... It just.. Jayden it just hurts that you had a list. A list of everything I've done wrong. A list of all the things I'm doing wrong. It just.. Really hurt because you had a list. A list of the things I'm doing wrong, with an explanation and an example of , what I did wrong. Jay, I'm really sorry. If anything of what I said was rude, then Im sorry. But just like you said, I needed to say it, and you needed to hear it.
Okay now that I'm done explaining that shit, lemme talk about something that needs to be said. This isnt being said because one person did something, for real dont do what I'm about to talk about. The world doesnt fucking revolve about you! If I do something, it isn't because you did something! I do things, and most of the time I have a reason. But ya know, its not about YOU!! If I self-harm, its not about you. I did it because I'm upset. Yes you may be a part of the reason, but the whole reason isnt just you. A series of things has to happen for me to self harm. I mean like I have my own life. You aren't what my world revolves around. I might said I did it because of something you did, but thats most likely just the biggest reason. There has to be two, three maybe even more. Anyways I gtg. Maybe I'll be here tomorrow. I've kinda cooled down.
