Changes

Sometimes life is hard

Today was the day my life changed forever.Me and my brother had always been best friends.He was the person I could trust to tell anything.I had no other friends.So everyday I would come home from school and tell him about my life.He would always make me feel like I'm not alone.I have a little sister but she's only a year old so we never talk.She sometimes makes me laugh,but not like my brother.My mom and dad got divorced a couple years ago.I remember when I thought that was bad.Now my happiness is gone,because my brother is gone.Today after school I went in my brothers room like I always do.He wasn't there,that wasn't normal,because he always goes in his room,and waits for me to get home.I looked for him everywhere he wasn't there.I asked my mom where he was,and she started bawling.Id never seen my mom cry.When my mom was crying I knew he was gone.Me and my mom just sat there for about 2 hours crying.My best friend,and my brother was gone forever.I went in my room and thought about how I had nothing left.My mom said his funeral was in 3 days.I asked her what happened,she said he was on the couch watching tv,she noticed that he was acting a little weird.She ask him what was wrong.But he just said nothing.However soon after that he had a heart attack.She said she tried to rush him to the ambulance,but it was to late he was gone.I was truly in shock.The next thing I remember was me waking up in the floor and my mom huddled over me.She cried honey I know,he was the greatest person ever.I said what happened.She told me I was crying really hard and then I passed out.I hugged her and went in my room.Then cried some more.Its was 9:00 in the morning,I didn't go to school today,I'm planning on never going to school again.Im going to hide in my room forever.When my parents got divorced I used to always hide in my dark creepy closet.I stopped doing that about a year after the divorce.Now I'm doing it again,but this time I'm never stopping,I'm always going to hide in my closet.My mom came in my room she didn't know where I was at.I heard her crying and she said now Paige is mad at me she hates me now.I came out of the closet mom I don't hate you.She didn't say anything she just left.I haven't ate anything since I've heard the news,it's like 4:00.Thats about the time yesterday when I found out my brother was dead.Im starving but I'm not going to eat.However soon after that my mom came in my room turned on my closet lights and told me I had to eat.Im not hungry leave me alone.Thats when my mom picked me up out of my closet and carried me into the dining room.I kicked and said put me down like a toddler,but I didn't care.She sat me down on the chairs in the dining room.She held me down with her hand,but it didn't hurt.She put a bowl of her whole made macaroni in front of me,which is my favorite food,and said please eat it.Fine I said with tears rolling down my eyes.I ate all of the macaroni and marched back in my room.But before I could make it to my room my mom said do you want anything else to eat. No.Then I continued marching in my room.But I kind've felt bad and said mom I'm sorry thanks for the macaroni it was really good.She said I know it wasn't my best batch but anytime.As soon as I actually got in my room I went back in my dark creepy closet.I wasn't kidding when I said I was going to stay there forever.It was the next day I slept in my closet.I didn't go to school today either.Today for me was even sadder than yesterday,because I knew I had to go to my brothers funeral tomorrow.I knew my mom would just come in my room and take me out of my closet and into the dining room,if I didn't do it myself.So I did.My mom just poured me a bowl of cereal .I've had better since it was wheat.I really didn't care though.I just wanted to go back to my closet.My mom asked if I wanted to go to school today.Really what do you think.I guess that's a no.yeah mom will you homeschool me.Honey I would love to but we can't afford all of the supplies you need to be homeschooled.Ok whatever.Of Course after that I went back in my closet.I really don't think my life could get any worse.Seriously the one thing that made me happy is now gone.I just couldn't take it anymore.I just wanted to hide in a dark creepy place where no one can ever find me.Sure my closet was super dark and creepy.But everyone knows where I am.Plus it's just not creepy and dark enough.I know some people say it's better if you just let everything out,and tell someone.But for me it's not.At this point I want to be alone hiding by myself.I need to stop wishing though,because that's never going to happen.My mom is always going to try and make me feel better.Not surprisingly I was right,my mom said She thinks I would feel better if I sign up for a sport,or just an after school activity.She said I would find friends that I can tell everything to,like I did with my brother."mom nobody's ever going to be like my brother nobody will make me happy like he did trust me".I Understand sweetheart,I love you"."I love you too".Its about 8:00 tonight.I ate some spaghetti,for dinner.Im not sleeping today.Im not even going to try.Ive had a lot of trouble sleeping the past 2 days.So I can't even imagine how bad it would be trying to go to sleep now,knowing that at 12:00 tomorrow I have to go to my brothers funeral.At about 10:00 this morning it's like I honestly couldn't stop crying.I didn't go in the dining room and eat breakfast today.Even my mom didn't make me eat today.I really didn't want to go.Its not that I don't want to honor his life,and say goodbye,its that I don't want everybody to be huddled over me saying I'm so sorry for your loss.Im just not the kind of person that likes hearing stuff like that.I wrote a speech last night.Im not reading it though.I might make somebody else read it for me,but I probably won't.At about 11:00 started getting ready.Im wearing this beautiful black dress.Its velvet with a rose on my right side,it has lase on it,I'm also wearing a head band with a black rose on it,I straightened my hair,My mom bought the whole outfit for me yesterday.My mom looks beautiful as well,she's wearing a black dress too but on the bottom hers has ruffles.She put on a lot of makeup,she applied it perfectly.She also curled her hair.My baby sister Cookie is coming.My mom just put her in a black onside with a black sparkly skirt over it.I will admit she looks adorable,but I don't want her crying the whole time,because if she is crying it won't be because of my brother.We finally got at the funeral I was so sad,I never imagined I would be at a funeral today for my sweet brother.Even before the funeral I was bawling.Everyone was telling me it's okay he's in a better place now.I didn't answer when they said that.When the funeral finally started the preacher got up on this stand and said such amazing and true things about my brother.After he finished talking Another guy from my church talked about how he will miss him a lot and how he made everyone laugh.I'm actually really glad I went because I knew he was sitting beside me the whole time.But I was really sad because he never got to experience love or having children.But I do know and will know FOREVER that he's in a better place.After the people from my church finished talking they said if anyone else would like to say something you may now come up.I thought at first I wasn't going to read my poem or even make someone else read it for me.But after hearing the other people say something I really wanted to so I went up there and read my poem,I tried super hard not to cry,I did cry a little bit but I held most of it in.My poem said Logan was an such an amazing person.He had always been my favorite person and always will be he was the only person that I could tell everything to,he was the person that never failed to make me happy I love him so much I am so thankful he was my brother. My mom was bawling after my speech,it's a good thing she wore water proof makeup.After my speech my cousin went up there she didn't say to much but I thought it was sweet that she went up there and said something.After the funeral we went to the cemetery we saw his precious body laying in a casket and then my preacher gave us a flag and his ashes.It was so sweet.I Really didn't think I'd have a good attitude about the funeral,but after it was over I changed my mind.It was great that we got to honor his life.After the funeral I was still kind've sad,so my mom asked if I wanted to go to McDonald's.My eyes started watering because that was my brothers favorite place to eat,but I refused to let myself cry again.So I just said yeah that sounds good.We went inside this time .I was going to order what I usually do,but in honor of my brother I ordered his favorite thing to get,large fries and a plain cheeseburger.I ate every bite of my food.Then my mom asked if I was finished.Yeah I'm finished are we stopping anywhere else.No not unless you want to.I actually did really want to go to justice a store right besides McDonald's but I didn't want to be rude so I said no I'm good.As soon as we got home I ran back in my closet.I know I said I had a good attitude after the funeral.But I just wanted to hide again I almost felt like my brother was closer to me if I was hiding.I just wanted to get the whole thing of my mind.I didn't want to think that my brother was gone.I was honestly pretty tired so I thought taking a nap would be the perfect solution to get my brother off my mind.I was trying to go to sleep,but it was really hard because my sister Cookie was screaming and crying.After a while I just gave up.I went to the kitchen to check on her,because I couldn't take it anymore.I tried to give her food but she didn't want that so I looked in her diaper and wanted to die
,because that did not smell good!Anyway I changed her diaper.But I was a little worried because my mom never just lets Cookie cry like that.So I went in my moms bedroom and sure enough she was sound asleep.After that incident I went back in my closet and finally went to sleep.But when I woke up all I could think about was my brother.I was hoping that taking a nap would help me get my mind off of Logan,but it didn't.I went in my moms bedroom and told her that I didn't know what to do because I couldn't stop thinking of him.She told me you never have to forget about him.Just don't think that he's gone because he's not. I love you mom thanks.Love you too sweetheart.My mom made me feel a lot better about it because I knew I didn't have to think negative thoughts I could just know that he is here and will be for the rest of my life.However lets just say being positive about a situation like that is really hard.But I was sure going to try.