My Inner Thoughts

Fucked up mindset

I've always delt with depression. Ever since my bunny died when I was 11. I've seen many therapists, tried many pills, nothing worked for me.

When I was around the age of 15 I started self harm. Before they were just simple thoughts, countless what if's. I would try and hide them, failed, but still tried.

My parents didn't think anything of it, they were still worried of course, but they thought it would just pass, like it did for them. They were wrong.

Now 18, I've developed anxiety, mix that with depression and insomnia, you got yourself a recipe for hell.

A short while back I attempted suicide. I decided my life wasn't worth the fresh air I took up for the rest of the world. I thought things would be better. My best friend wouldn't have to worry about me anymore, my family wouldn't have to pay so much for food or living expenses. It would be great.

After attempting and sitting in the hospital room with my parents, I hear quiet sobs coming from my dad. My 6"3 biker dad. He was telling me that he should just give my brother and I to the state because he thought he wasn't fit as a parent, then again he never understood mental illnesses, he thought I was being dramatic. I don't blame him for anything. I never could.

After being clean for so long, everything comes flooding back, the want, the need.

It's not that I cut for attention, I do it for the feeling, the sting. It lets me know that I'm still alive and breathing, that my blood is still pumping through my body. I cut because when they heal, it's oddly beautiful, the light pink flesh, the delicate lining..... The thoughts never leave. You just learn to push them to the back of your mind...