In Between.

I'm not fine

     I'm heavily breathing, bawling my eyes out, trying to decide whether or not to take my own life. I get out the bottle of pills that I had been saving up.Attached to the bottle was a tag that said "Swallow me". On the back of the tag read "A huge dose of these will allow you to leave this world without the pain". Huge white ones, they were as white as my pale skin that just crawled onto me. Trying to believe what I'm about to do I fill with every kind of emotion there is. All of them bursting through the door like ravenous monsters. I lose thought and feeling of everything.. I take about 8 of the pale ivory pills. I cry, and gulp down both the water and pills.                             
       Unfortunately, I think, my mom catches me and calls the police. They enter my house and ask me all kinds of questions. Then they ask if it will be okay if I ride with my mom to the hospital. On my way to the hospital, again thoughts rush to my head. The evil monsters waiting to feast on every piece of happiness I have. Waiting to come out of the closet and surprise my mom. Anxiously I explain to the nurse why I tried to take my own life. From the hospital, I  get sent to a mental hospital. I arrive there are only two people here. So it didn't turn out to be a crazy psycho mental hospital. So far it's actually pretty nice here, it was better than home. I wish this was near home so I could just come here, like a hotel and just stay there for however much i want without paying. The schedule here is vitals, food selection, eat. In between we just sit around, watch tv, color, or play "outside". They didn't really have an facade, it was this cement room with a fenced roof-it was barely anything- I swear it was the size of my room. It also had painted murals as if we were to imagine that we were really outside-yeah, no, not going to work. It's kinda awkward here, I'm wearing paper clothes with nothing underneath. I feel so weird. So I enter the room and it's kind of, well I don't know what to say because what do you say about a mental hospital room? besides the fact that it was really clean and really cool? I guess.The room was nothing but pearly white, it had included two chocolate huge shelves, desks, and drawers. What was the point of the desks if there are no chairs? The whole room reminded me of a bleached, fair shirt with a coffee mess or other things I don't want to mention. I just lay on my white sheets, not fluffy pillow- I want a fluffy pillow!-  and just stare at the chalky ceiling. I turn to my side to find my roommate awake also. My roommate begins to ask me questions and I answer them like she would mine. I spend all night finding information about her and to find out that she's leaving tomorrow, which sucks by the way. Well it's a good thing though, Right? Next day was alright, another girl arrived. I finally get clothes. Two days no roommate. During the endurance of the two days I was just alone. Waiting for the insatiable monsters to come, and feast away at my happiness. I just stare up at the silvery ceiling wondering what would have happened if I had been successful? Would anyone have cared? Would anyone notice?.......
                           -~-~-~-
        I close my eyes and just think, I begin to imagine this place, this paradise, of beautiful waters and grass. There's someone reaching for my hand, it's someone. I can't necessarily see their face-Their face is too blurry for me to see- I ask what their name was. Nothing comes out of my mouth. I then realize that I can't breathe, and I open my eyes quick to get a grasp on breathing. Reality slowly creeps in, unfortunately, I wanted to cry my broken aching heart out because I knew that my situation will only ever get worse. The next night , finally, a roommate comes in. After all these humans crawling in and me not getting any of them-as a roommate. About 5 people have checked in since I have arrived.
    Over the days I have been considering coming out over the phone to my family. Everyone there supported me and told me that it would be a good idea to. At the time it seemed like everything was going to go great. Not till later I find out that it wasn't.
     Consequently, not knowing that it wasn't going to end satisfactorily,  I come out to my grandma, grandpa, and sister over the phone. I guess they could have taken it better but I know they are going to try to "change my mind" Everyone knows being bisexual is a choice(hint: sarcasm). They just said "well uh... we still love you and um we'll see you soon".
In the very back dim, cloudy, demented part of my mind was the idea that it wasn't going to go well. I still knew this and yet I still came out of the closet for some moronic reason.
     One late night my roommate and I were  delirious, insane, and erratic all at the same time. Just like a sugar high or something, I think it was because I just wanted to run and fly away,  It was weird but also sad. We said the craziest things, we talked about how one of the nurses here were cute, how he was like bacon and eggs! I ended up being the eggs- Dirty imagination is running, and remember we're delirious-, our relationships with everyone, school, and other things I can't seem to remember. I'm still hurting because I know that this year will not go well. Especially with everyone in the family being homophobes and religious. I hope they'll understand, I just hope...