Thursday, two days before the day I said I will leave. I'm here embracing you on your back while you watch videos on youtube. I was silent. Just hugging you tight, and kissing you on your shoulder. My tears fell, for I am hurt. I am about to leave the man who I spent half of my life with.
Then suddenly, I see all those memories we shared from the time I met you until this very moment.
We have fought so many battles in our life. Until the last battle came, when I don't know if I still have to fight the battle. It was you that I am fighting for, against her, against me and against you.
I felt like I am fighting all alone. Then suddenly, when I told you I am leaving, you reintroduced me to the man I met and decided to live with. You reintroduced me to the man I love.
But then, I am hurting, because I don't know whether you are now choosing me, or this is just a farewell party.
I am at the end of my rope. I tied the knot and held on tight. Fighting anxiety and depression, sadness and pain, devastating and excruciating.
My tears fell, and I was silent. I mastered crying with no sound and no runny nose right after. I mastered smiling while bleeding inside.
It is just so hard to leave a man you still love. I wanted to fight for us, but I can't win the battle alone.
Alone, that's what I am now. It hurts me for I can see that we can still win but you're choosing not to. You're not choosing anything. You're not saying any word.
Letting me go is like stepping on my hand holding on that rope. Until now, I am still waiting for you to tell me not to leave because you are already here.
Two days...
Will I? Should I?
