Everyday Pain

7. Figuring it Out...

Brad:

It was so hard to believe how after everything Jessica decided to just back me off. The only thing i would think about was,"What was it that made her do this? Did i hurt her somehow without noticing?" I was pretty sure it never really was because of her studies, because, she had always been able to keep things alongside with justice. Then why?

I knew it was absurd for her since all of this was just really new to her but that did not mean she should let go. Let go ever so suddenly, leaving me lost in a labyrinth of questions.

I mean why did all of this even matter to her? If she was so scared of breaking then how did all of that confidence fit into her daring figure. It was just all too hard to figure out. There was nothing wrong with the way things were going. Every moment was just so fragile but beautiful and it all just flushed down in seconds.

I thought that at some point Jessica might contact me and share her problems. I was ready to listen too. But after a while when I realised that she wasn't in any way interested to talk to me, I started finding my own ways. It should've been obvious that I wasn't going to hang on the end of a string, waiting for her. I had to keep my routine straight instead of always trying to surround her, protect her. Clingy? Not really. Me and Jess never really did clingy.

Jessica probably thought that I no longer care but what she didn't know is that it was all an act. How was it even possible for me not to care? I did...but she was taking me for granted. I couldn't have just let her create distances whenever she wanted and let her come back again. She didn't even realise that maybe she didn't need me through that specific time period, but maybe I needed her. Maybe I was going through something that I really wanted to share with her. Maybe I needed a shoulder to cry on when she decided to keep silent for a while just because she had her midterms.

I get it that education comes first and I'd never tell her to give me all of her attention. I wanted her to be focused more than she did. But leaving me stranded for a few months and then deciding to come back to check on me, does that sound okay to you? Just a fraction of her attention is what I asked for. That is what commitment means. And I'm pretty sure the both of us were mature enough to understand this.

Not in any means or ways was I ready to let her go. She was the most uniquely enchanting creature I had ever come across and was going to. I used to think to myself way before making the nerve to talk to her- will this be safe for me? The answer never occurred to me though. I just couldn't stop myself from being insanely drawn towards her. People would often convince me that  Jessica was "Nothing but trouble", "Dull and hollowed", "Stubborn and bossy". But that was not how I saw her. I saw her to exist as an aesthetic mystery that I yearned to unravel. I coveted to be a part of  her world. To see everything with the sense that she did. If darkness was all she was, then I wanted her to colour me dark too. If she was struggling to see past her past, I wanted to be the one to assist her.

              .........................................

Days at college went pretty much the same. Me and my mates were all standing by the wall adjacent to the basketball court one day. It was quite a murky afternoon. The clouds looked as if they too had had enough of building everything within them- ready to storm on and let out, completely desolating during the process. We were all having a good laugh at how Mr.  Wilson, our Spanish teacher, ate a rotten sandwich that one of the boys had offered to him as a prank. Poor fella. He didn't finish it though, the good old stench of it kicked in and saved him from devouring it. Everything was pretty much fine until I overheard a few girls talking behind me from a distance. At this point I couldn't exactly catch what they were saying because they were too far down, but I heard my name twice through the minute. That was when I knew I just HAD to find out what all the tittle-tattle was about.