Random stuff.

Moving on.

*Possible Trigger Warning*

I sat there as still as could be, as if she would shatter like glass if moved at all. I absolutely hated seeing her like this. She was curled up in a hospital bed, tangled in a mess of tubes and IVs. I placed my hand gently on top of hers and closed my eyes to pretend that this was a nightmare; that I would just wake up and she would be there by my side, holding my face in her hands. She would tell me it was just a dream and that everything's okay. I felt tears roll down my cheek and then her gentle, soft hand against my face, gently pushing my hair out of my face like she used to. My eyes flickered open to see her soft brown eyes looking at me, filled with worry. I nestled my face against her arm and felt the scars against my nose. I began to cry again. Her hand slipped away and she began to bawl.

"I'm so sorry." She whispered.
I stared at her in shock. I bent down and kissed her forehead. I told her there was nothing to be sorry for. She instantly began to sob uncontrollably and her breathing became heavy. She sat up abruptly, gasping for oxygen. A few of the nurses ran in, desperately trying to get her to breathe in the oxygen mask, but she was overwhelmed and began to sputter and laid back down on her pillow in defeat. She looked at me and pulled me closer to her face.
"I love you. Forever and always." She said waiting patiently for my response.

"Forever and always." Her coughing flared up again as she was struggling to breathe. One of nurses had already run out of the room to retrieve a doctor. I placed a hand on her back and tried to comfort her. She covered her cough with her mouth and we both stared in horror. Crimson blood was spread out in tiny blotches covering her hands. The nurses all ran in the room and her doctor was following shortly behind. The doctor looked panicked. He murmured something to one of the nurses and looked back at me as the rest of them wheeled her out of the room. I began to follow them until the one nurse stopped me.
"Sir... Sir ... you need to calm down."
I asked what was going on and the nurse told me both her lungs were having difficulty, but they didn't understand the blood in her cough. I fell to my knees and curled into a ball. It felt like I had sat there for hours when the doctor walked in, her expression seemed as if she couldn't decide whether or not she was angry, guilty, or sad. She slowly walked over to me and kneeled on the floor.
" I am afraid to inform you, your girlfriend will not make it through tonight. I'm sorry." She said as gently as she could. I was wrecked into a fit of sobs. The doctor must have felt really bad, and she wrapped her arms around me.
"Would you like to go see her?"
I regained my composure the best I could and nodded.

The doctor left me alone with her. I held her hands tightly. Her eyes fluttered open and looked at me with that warm smile of hers as tears began to spill down her cheeks. She pointed at the notepad and pen on the table. I passed it to her and she began to scribble down what she wanted to say in her neat, elegant handwriting.

I know I won't make it through the night... Look through my bag, there should be an envelope in there addressed to you.

I rummaged through her bag and found the envelope. I began to carefully peel the flap and she grabbed my arm.

Don't read it until I'm gone. Please.

I nodded my head and put the note in my pocket, understanding that this was very important to her for whatever reason. She smiled and she scooted over for me to lay down next to her. I carefully made my way next to her and wrapped my arms around her in hopes that it would prevent her from being taken away from me. Before I knew it, we were both fast asleep.

The doctor sat in the chair with a tired expression in the corner of the room. I opened my eyes and had almost forgotten where I was and why I was here. I got up slowly out of the hospital bed, only to hear the doctor speak.

"Sir, I'm very sorry for your loss. She died around midnight last night."

I tried to be strong, held back my tears, and nodded my head. After the doctor left the room, I no longer had the desire to act okay. I cried, I cried so hard and held her hand. I remembered the note and pulled it out of my pocket. I slowly unfolded the note, slightly afraid of what would be inside. I took I deep breath and began to read:

Hi...Hey. Sorry, I don't really know how I would start this. Obviously, if you're reading this, you know I am no longer. I'm sorry I had to leave you like this. I felt so hopeless and I knew I couldn't talk to anyone, I didn't want you to worry.

I would have worried for you, I wouldn't have minded at all. I thought you knew that. Did I not seem to care enough?

Don't blame yourself, I promise you I'm in a better place...hopefully. You cared so much about me. I'm not sure I want to do this anymo-

Why did it stop? I begin to read down a bit farther and see more.

Hey. It's me again. I'm still alive. At the moment anyways. I wrote this paragraph when you had stepped out of the room. I just wanted to be sure you knew what had happened, if the worst happened. When I first woke up the nurses told me you were pacing in the halls and asked me if I was ready to see you. I had thought about it and a million and one things had raced through my mind. I had a panic attack and fainted. When I woke up, you were here. You didn't seem angry at all, just concerned. I want/wanted to stay here with you, I really did. This would have never happened if I hadn't fallen out of the window before I had previously planned to. I'm sorry for all of the pain I am probably putting you through right now, hopefully you won't have to see this. I love you forever and always.

I watched them cart her away, after I had said goodbye. I realized there were so many things she made in my life better, not as miserable. I didn't know what I'd do without her, or how I would face that pain. I began to sleep a lot more than I had used to, my subconscious was the only place that had felt sanctuary from reality.
I looked at my therapist with fresh tears rolling down my face, as he was scribbling his regular notes from our daily chats on his notepad. He looked up at me and asked, "How long has it been since she passed?"
"It's been seven years now. "

"How often do you think about her?"

"Honestly, there has not been a moment where I haven't been thinking of her. I don't think I'll ever forget her , but I... I think I'm ready to move on."