"ramona!"
she was no where to be found. i continue roaming the roads for her. she always does this. for all i know ramona's probably safe at home. i scream her name again, "ramona!"
but what if she's not? what if she's still out there? she could be dying somewhere. or being kidnapped.
i have to find her. what if it's too late?
"velvet."
"fuck off malcolm."
i push his hand away from my shoulder.
"velvet, i know where ramona is. come on with me. i'll show you."
i stare at him for a long few seconds and follow him. he looks down at my bare legs and feet. i was wearing one sock.
"where are the rest of your clothes?"
i shrug. but they're at kurt's house.
"oh."
i smell whisky under his breath. his scruffy brown hair bounces when he walks.
"why do you always think ramona's in trouble when you're high?"
is it really every time?
i shrug again.
"okay."
i feel a strong dizziness swarm over me. i ignore the blurring world around me and continue stumbling along the dark street. the rush was over. it doesn't feel good anymore. in fact, i feel like puking.
"what're you on, baby?" he tries saying as sweet as possible, despite the drunken slur in his voice. he puts his hand on the small of my back.
"none of your business."
"well, how am i supposed to help you if i don't know what the cause is?"
he pulls up the sleeve of my flannel revealing needle marks. i quickly pull away.
"what if i don't wanna be helped?"
he stares at me frustrated and sighs, taking out a silver flask. i know he's been in love with me since we were 15. we met at a bar and he would always flirt with me when I'd see him. i only let him get on once, but i never really loved him. he's a good friend but i love kurt is. and he knows that.
"where's ramona?" i say.
"at your house. she's fine."
"why is she at my house?"
he smiles at me and laughs, "did you really forget?"
i try thinking back as hard as i can but i can't seem to remember what i forgot.
"what--" he kisses me smiling. i let him do it. i know he's wanted to all night.
after a long slow kiss, he pulls away, still smiling his ass off, and says, "happy birthday velv."
no way. it's my birthday. today?
I laugh, "are you sure?"
he points to his watch reading 1:44 am and replies, "it's august 4th isn't it?"
we both start laughing, then i suddenly feel the need to hug him. so i do.
he stops laughing and hugs me back, tightly, like he's never hugged anyone in his life before.
"thank you for everything, malcolm."
"you know i would do anything for you." he says softly.
"don't. you'll get yourself in trouble."
"that's okay." he says in all seriousness.
"i'm so sorry i shut you out." he kisses me again. this time with more meaning. but i don't love him and i can't do this.
he gently pulls away and says what i'm thinking.
"i shouldn't do this. kurt would kill me if he found out."
"you're right."
"are you going to forget about this tomorrow?" he asks.
"i.... i don't know."
"okay."
"alright."
i take his hand and he looks surprised. he doesn't look at me, instead at his untied timberlands, with his intense bluish green eyes. he's not ugly. at all. but i can't love him.
i love kurt.
he clears his throat, breaking up the dangerous thoughts.
"so, how does it feel being 19?"
"scary. good luck next month on your birthday."
he grins, still not looking at me. we're almost at my apartment. only a few blocks left to walk.
i start to feel dizzy again. really dizzy. i try shaking myself out of it but it's not working.
"velvet, you okay?"
i shake my head and slowly sit on the cement. malcolm bends down and supports me. i can't see straight, so i close my eyes.
"c'mon baby. you can do this. two more blocks."
i take a few deep breaths and repeat in my head two more blocks, two more blocks. i open my eyes and steady myself. malcolm helps me up and holds my arm while i walk. we cross the street.
"one more block."
one more block, one more block. my breathing gets heavier and my head begins to throb.
"you a little better?"
i nod. i'm not.
"i gotta get smokes," he stops in front of the deli, "you stay here. i'll be right out."
"okay."
he lets go of my arm and walks through the glass door. i see my blurry apartment across the road. then, i see ramona smoking on the stoop.
"ramona!" i shout over the traffic. she sees me and waves.
"happy birthday!" she says beaming.
i smile and walk across the street. i hear a car honk and then
